I'm just going to put a very, very tiny trigger warning right here.
“I’m not riding,” I said adamantly. Dad was now standing in front of us with a very antsy Flash in hand.
“You are riding. I brushed him down. I tacked him up. You’re riding,” he said firmly.
“Well you wasted your time then because there is no way in hell I would ever ride again,” I challenged. This was fucking ridiculous. The very idea of getting back on after the things I’ve seen was just nonexistent.
“Elena, listen to yourself,” he reasoned. “What happened to that little girl who used to sneak out to the barn at night? Remember when we found you asleep inside one of the mare’s stalls? This was your life. What happened to that girl?”
I raised my eyes to meet his and if looks could kill, he probably would have dropped right then. I made sure everyone could hear the venom in my words as I spoke once more.
“That girl died with her sister.”
I hopped off the rail and walked away from the ring without so much as a glance to anyone. I intended to walk off to the barn, probably kick a bucket or five and break something, but I was stopped by my dad’s voice behind me.
“Don’t you dare take one more step away from here.”
I stopped and turned around, mostly because I was shocked that he used that tone with me. I hadn’t heard that tone since I was a teenager. When I turned, he was still standing there while Jess and my mom were both looking at me with the same worried expression.
“Come back here so we can talk about this, Elena. You’re not just storming off like you always did,” he said. I didn’t argue. I don’t think I could with the firmness in his voice. To be honest, I felt like a child again.
“Dad, I don’t want to ride him,” I insisted.
“Why not?” he asked. “Give me one good reason and I’ll take him back to the barn right now.”
That’s just it. I didn’t have a good reason. Yeah, the very idea of getting back on terrified me to no end, but that wasn’t a good reason. It really wasn’t. Hell, I‘ve cussed out countless girls for giving me that excuse when I taught lessons for my parents. I was literally the biggest hypocrite ever. After my few minutes of silence while staring at the ground I heard my dad sigh, causing me to look back up again.
“Just get on the horse for five minutes. That’s all I’m asking you,” he said gently this time. Flash was now quite a bit calmer once he realized nothing was happening right this second. I ran my hand through my hair nervously and sighed in defeat.
“Give me a leg-up, dad,” I said as I walked over to Flash’s side.
As I was hoisted up into the saddle the first thing I felt was that unpleasant fluttering in my stomach from pure fear. I was feeling a bit dizzy as my hands shakily gathered the reins and my feet found the stirrup irons. I could feel Flash’s muscles bunch up underneath me as I closed my eyes and attempted to collect my thoughts. This was something I needed to power through. This is what I did every day of my life and I enjoyed it. Flash pulled impatiently at the reins and at that last push, I opened my eyes and urged him forward.
Flash broke into his usual energetic trot but I didn’t stop him. Much to my surprise I relished it. The pure power that I felt in his strides only encouraged me and all my negative thoughts were pushed back as I focused on what I was doing. That’s thing about being on a large animal that could kill you at any moment. It makes all your other problems seem almost insignificant, if only for a little while.
