I could say that a month later I was completely better. I could tell you that I’m off the medication and my life was completely normal. Sunshine and rainbows. But then I’d be lying, wouldn’t I? No, things haven’t been better. I would even say they’ve gotten worse but then again I’ve developed this bad habit of not caring about anything.
Because of my “medical illness” I was given extended leave from work. My new boss had assured me that I could take as much time off as I needed and come back with my vacation days still intact. To be honest, I think they were just more concerned about me suing them or some shit like that.
So as of right now I was currently laid in my bed, under my blankets, just as I have been doing for the last four weeks. The only reason I had a sense of time anymore was because of my weekly appointments still with Dr. Ward. Jess took me to every single appointment just as she’d promised but that was the extent of me leaving my bedroom. I don’t really know what it was but I just had no will to do anything.
Jess came over every single day after work and stayed the night some nights but not always. She’d cook for me and made sure I was taking my medication like I was supposed to. I became accustomed to hearing that annoyed sigh whenever I’d tell her I wasn’t hungry and that I didn’t want to get up and go somewhere. She never said anything though which surprised me. She would sit quietly with me in bed or sometimes nap next to me, but we never really strike up any conversation. Jess had given up on that pretty quick. I felt like shit for pushing her away but I just couldn’t find the strength to express any kind of emotion. Sure, the panic attacks and nightmares had slowed down for the most part, but now I just felt dead inside.
So today was just like any other day. Jess was at work and I just continued to stare blankly at the wall. There were some cards and such from people at work who were wishing me well. I just kept them thrown carelessly on the table, not bothering to really look at them much. I wasn’t really sure what time it was since I kept the drapes shut at all times. The room was dim and the only light came from the small digital clock next to my bed. I closed my eyes in an attempt to force myself to fall asleep again. Time didn’t seem to go by so slow when I slept.
Just as I felt myself begin to drift off I faintly heard the sound of my front door opening. I didn’t think anything of it until I heard my bedroom door suddenly open violently causing me to jump.
“Get up!” I heard Jess yell as she came furiously into the room. I opened my eyes and watched her as she moved around the room, opening the curtains to let the bright sun through. “Move your ass, Elena. Now!”
“What?” I croaked, slightly shocked at her sudden outburst. I saw Jess go through my closet and start pulling out random articles of clothing, tossing some them on the bed.
“I said, get up! It’s time to stop laying here and wasting away. I’m sick of it and I’m not letting you do this to yourself,” she said firmly. I suddenly felt the blankets being ripped off of my body, exposing my skin to the cold air. “Up. Now. Get in the shower and get dressed. We’re going somewhere.”
I sat up slowly and made my way into the bathroom as Jess ordered me to do. I didn’t dare argue with her since she seemed pretty angry with me. About fifteen minutes into my shower I heard the bathroom door open and shut. When I glanced out I saw that Jess had brought me a change of clothes and left. I sighed as I finished rinsing my hair. I really hoped she wouldn’t be in a mood with me the whole day. Though, I probably deserved it considering the way I’ve checked out the last month.
I quickly dried off and got dressed so that I wouldn’t keep Jess waiting much longer than she already would be. My hair took forever to dry even with the hair dryer, especially since I haven’t had it cut much. It was starting to pass my waist and even though it was annoying as hell, I just couldn’t bring myself to cut it off.
