Living With Jared Padalecki

28/ unsteady

You got it.

I still cannot believe that I got a part in my favorite show. This is so unreal. I must be dreaming. I must be.

It is currently ten-thirty in the pm and I am lying in bed, trying not to think about all the ways I could ruin this, all the ways I could get kicked off the set as someone else gets my part.

I cannot do that. I absolutely have to do this right. Starring in an episode of this show, or any show for that matter, has been a life long dream of mine, and now that I got it, I will not let it slip away from me.

When I was nine years old, I still had not uttered my first words. It was the autism, forcing me not to think about using my mouth to make noises, to form words. My mom desperately awaited the first sound of my voice, but it never came.

Until one day, when I was sitting in front of the television screen playing with one of my many multi-colored toys, which were supposedly going to help with my brain development.

I had gotten a hold of the remote, and started pressing buttons on it, flipping through many channels. I stopped on Supernatural, and my eyes locked on the screen.

I had no idea at the time, but that moment would impact my life forever. I kept my eyes glued on the screen as Bela slipped away with Dean's winning lottery tickets. It was season three, I now know.

When Dean noticed the lotto tickets were missing, he realized that Bela had taken them, and he yelled his catch phrase, 'son of a bitch!' I'm sure you are familiar with it.

I thought that this phrase was funny, not just the words, but the way he said it. Mocking his tone, I shook my head in a spazzy way and repeated it, my first words taking my mother by surprise.

She went to turn it off, since she did not want me to view the gore and violence and swearing that came with this show, but I held the remote away from her in a childlike way. She shrugged it off and let me finish watching it.

I kept on watching it from that day on, learning about human interactions by observing the way Sam and Dean communicate. I eventually learned how to strike up a conversation, and a year later, it was very common for me to blabber daily. My mother was very proud.

But as I continued to watch it, my personality developed into one that was oddly similar to Dean and Sam's. Occasionally, I would mouth off like the elder Winchester but I was also very understanding and perspective about situations like Sam is.

Now, my ways have sort of derailed and I have become something else.

An anxious wreck.

I suppose the Winchesters get stressed out, too, but probably not about every single thing, like me. It's very irrational and unnecessary. Also, I now tend to keep my crude comments to myself rather than blurt them out like I used to.

Jason has noticed a drastic change in my attitude. It's there, I know. Earning a spot on a show has turned me into twice the shaky, nervous person I was before. Now, I feel like I have this pressure on my shoulders, like everyone is expecting me to fail. Like I am here simply for their amusement.

Jared said that I will get the script in a few days. I will be starring in the fourth episode of season twelve, and I was very happy to find out that Sam is fine, but he was kidnapped. I was very relieved to find that out, because it wasn't exactly a comfort to end the eleventh season with Sam getting shot.

It's eleven now, and my phone is vibrating. I feel for it in the dark, the glowing screen helping me end my search quickly. Recognizing the picture on the cover, I answer it and push it to my ear.