Living With Jared Padalecki

36/ fly again

     After being in the hospital for nearly two weeks, it is sooooo great to be back home and into my regular clothes. My mood has also slightly improved from the lack of talking about my feelings. Everyone has sort of backed off and let me be by myself since I got out of the hospital.

     Jared seems very cautious around me, though. It scares me, because I hate it when he worries. I am pretty sure that I am not going to try anything like that again, at least not for a long while.

     In a way, I feel like everyone is waiting for me to try again. Judging by the way they are watching me, it seems like it. I hate it.

     The kids are kind of clueless as to what happened. They still act the same way around me as they did before. Thomas still talks to me all the time and even sleeps in my room some nights.

     On this day, my second day out of the hospital, I am with Thomas in the kitchen showing him how to make Jello. We are currently making the blue raspberry flavor, which is my all-time favorite.

     "Then, you mix the powder stuff in with the water," I explain, not-so-smartly. "And the water will turn blue." I let Thomas hold the spoon and mix, since he seems to be enjoying it a lot more than I would.

     "What are you guys doing?" I hear Jared ask from the door. I freeze and let out a sigh of relief when Thomas answers. Since we talked in the hospital, I have not said one word to Jared, or anyone else, besides the kids.

     "Making blue Jello," Thomas replies. I pretty much ignore Jared as I hear him walk across the room and get something out of the fridge, and then sit down at the table behind us. "Charlie?" Thomas asks.

     "Yeah, bub?" He keeps his eyes on the spoon in his hand as he asks the next question.

     "Why were you in the hospital?" I can practically feel Jared's eyes on me. I really wish he had not asked that, because now I have to talk about it in front of Jared.

     "I was tired," I reply, because quite frankly, I was tired. Tired of waking up everyday and feeling like complete crap. Tired of second guessing everything I do and say.

     "Then, why didn't you just sleep?" I chuckle softly.

     "Not that kind of tired," I say, ruffling his hair a little. He frowns, still slightly confused, so I explain about as much as I can without going into the crappy details.

     "I just hate worrying about everything," I start, and I can still feel Jared's eyes on me. Instead, I just focus on Thomas, who is still looking confused. "And I just figured that things would be better if I was gone."

     It isn't like I'm lying to him, but he probably is not going to know what that really means.

     "No!" He argues immediately, holding the spoon still for a moment as he looks up to scold me. "You can't leave! You're like my sister."

     Well, there goes my fucking heart.

     Feeling guilty for making him feel this way, I move around the small table and hug him. He returns it.

     "I'm not going anywhere," I say quietly, stroking his hair and feeling my eyes tearing up for the millionth time this week.