At My Worst ( a Nicholas Matthews story)

I'm so Badly Broken.

I went it to the bathroom, locking the door behind me. I stared into the mirror, pretty much hating what stared back. My jet black hair, that i can't keep under control. The huge circles under my eyes. The ugly bruise Lloyd gave me by accident. My dull green eyes, even if they're the my best feature. No wonder Lexus cheated on me. That guy is probably 1000 times more attractive than me. Then again, who isn't. I lifted my shirt. Scars, reminders of the hell in my past. Am i skinny enough? Am i too skinny? My arms, tattooed and cut up. What have i become? Why can't i just leave this all behind. Why do i bring it up on myself again and again and again? I slid on the wall till i was sitting on the floor. I feel like crying but no tears are coming. I heard a knock on the door, reminding me, that this isn't exactly my bathroom.

"Nick, you doing ok?" Johnny asked. Yeah right he's actually concerned about me. He probably hates me just like everyone else.

"Yeah i'm fine."

"Tell that to the shake in your voice. Come out, you're making get worried." he told me.

"Why" There's probably something in here that i can use to hurt myself. But what where? And what?

"Just come out" he demanded.

I got up from the floor. "Fine" i opened the door.

"If you want some alone time, go to my room. There's nothing harmful in there and no one needs to use it." Lloyd explained.

"Thanks, Lloyd." I made my way to his room, the plopped on the bed. I laid on my side to get a view out the window.

Birds flying, clouds drifting, i watched the hours pass by. I decided i couldn't just lay here forever, so i got up.

"Are you feeling better?" Lloyd asked me. I shrugged as a response. I didn't see Johnny. He must've gone home.

"Where's Johnny?"

"He went home to take a shower and change." he replied.

"Oh"

"You need to clothes, right."

"I mean i guess. I don't really feel like going home at the moment." i explained, "I'll just stay in these clothes for today. I didn't change till like mid day yesterday anyways so." I probably sound disgusting but oh well. I've done on it on tour, i can do it now. He chuckled a little.

"I have eyeliner in the bottom drawer of the bathroom, if you want it" he told me.

"Since when do you have eyeliner?" i questioned.

"Since you left it here." he teased.

Of course i want to cover up my face, so i applied dark circle liner. Still look like crap, but good enough. I brushed my hair, pushing it over to the right. I hate looking into the mirror. It just reminds me of how ugly i am.

"Hey, Johnny and I were thinking about going to this arcade place. Do you wanna come?" Lloyd asked.

"Sure" i answered unsurely.

"You don't have to if you don't want to."

"No, No it's fine. I'll go" i stated. I honestly don't want to go, but if i don't go i'll pretty much ruin their plans. I seriously doubt they would leave me behind, because of my display of suicidal tendencies. The fact that Johnny slept on the floor just to make sure i wouldn't slit my own throat, pretty much says i'm not being felt unsupervised for a bit.

We met up there. At the back of the arcade, is the booth where you get your prizes. My eyes locked on the stuffed bat on the wall. I know i'm not technically supposed to want to get stuffed animals, but it was the only appealing thing here, and i want something to just hug without making it weird.It's worth a thousand tickets, so i probably won't be able to win it. I put around 40 dollars on my game card. For the first ten minutes i only got about ten tickets per game, which sucks because i only played three games. I sat down on chair for a bit, while the other two had a blast shooting baskets. The feeling in me is so undescribable, it frustrates me. I hate not being able to know how i feel. It's like feeling empty, but it's not emptiness. I'm not sad angry or nervous, and i'm definitely not happy. Urgh. I laid my head down on the table. I lifted my head, to the song playing in the background. 'Talk to me now while I'm sober, the way that you look i know it's almost over.' It's "Mess." That's awesome! I quietly sang along to my own song. A woman with her kid gave me a weird look, and i wanted to do is yell "I WROTE THIS SONG!" But of course that would draw a lot of attention to me, unwanted attention that would make me panic.

This is my favorite song off of Best Kind of Mess. But... I'm not even part of Get Scared anymore. I threw away a part of me for another part of me. With both parts gone, i'm nothing. The song ended, just like my will to do anything. I feel terrible taking back my spot as lead singer, i mean Joel is so much better, and he doesn't deserve to just be kicked out. It was my mistake to leave the band, i should have to pay the consequences.