At My Worst ( a Nicholas Matthews story)

After all this pain you won't see me

I can't do this. What's the point anymore. I'm done.

I took a paper and a pen. "I'm sorry. I Let all of you done. I lied. I faked a smile I'm sorry. Lloyd i'm sorry that I've worried you so much. I appreciate that you let me stay with you for this month and you never let me alone. Your friendship means the world to me. You were the only person who talk to me when everyone else called me weird and fucked up. It meant a lot to me when you sat with me during lunch for the first time that i didn't try to end it that day even if i was planning to. Thank you for everything. To Johnny, You've been there for me. You continuously told me that i wasn't alone and tried to push me to be a better me. It was nice of you and i thank you for it. I'm sorry that it wasn't completely helpful. Don't feel bad that i'm going to kill myself, it's not your fault. It's all on me, i'm the one who is messed up. Dan, I'm sorry for not talking to you in these few months. I always felt like you didn't like me. But then again i thought everyone hated me so you probably didn't actually. You're a pretty cool person. Keep Johnny and Lloyd happy. Make them continue the band. Jess, i'm sorry i didn't keep my promise. I'm sorry for dragging you into this. I really liked you. You we're always so nice and never left my side. Thanks for trying i guess. Please don't waste tears on me. I'm not worth being cried over. You'll find someone better than me, literally anyone is better than me.

If you guys want to find me, I'll be at the lake close by here. Bye i guess. Take care. God I'm even awkward in my suicide note."

I snuck out the front door and walked quickly to the lake. Christmas lights let up the neighborhood. Cars drove past me. The drivers would always stare at me, making me feel anxious and awkward. The cold air almost numbed my face.

I took about ten minutes to get there. I sat in the freezing cold water. I took a deep breath. Am i really doing this? I am really going to end it?