The Repents

Chapter 16: Tick-Tock

I felt the smooth wooden floor beneath my knees, and the palms of my hands, and then it was pressed against to the skin of my cheek. I hoped that I was fainting, but to my disappointment, I didn't lose consciousness. The wave of pain that had only lapped at me before now reared high up and washed over my head, pulling me under.
I did not resurface.

JANUARY

FEBRUARY

MARCH

APRIL

MAY

Time passes. Even when it seems impossible. Even when each tick of the second hand aches like the pulse of blood behind a bruise. It passes evenly, in strange lurches and dragging lulls, but pass it does. Even for me.

A broken heart

She took out old pictures of him; one by one.
Stared at them for hours, going through every detail
His deep dark brown eyes looking at her
And his thick brown hair, which took her breath away
His delicate hands, how much she loved them
And his lips, her gateway to heaven
She sighed putting the pictures away in an old trunk
She realised, he was long gone now, never to return.

"That's it! You're going to your aunt's in Perth."
Dad broke the silence. He watched with exasperation as I slowly grasped the meanings of his words.
"What did I do?"
I felt my face crumpled. It was so unfair.
My behaviour had been above reproach for the past five months. After the first month, which no one talks about, I hadn't missed a day of college or work. My grades were perfect. I never broke curfew - I never went anywhere from which to break curfew in the first place.
Dad was scowling.
"You didn't do anything. That's the problem. You don't do anything at all anymore."
"You want me to get in trouble? " I wondered, my eyebrows pulling together in mystification. I made an effort to pay attention. It wasn't easy. I was so used to tuning everything out, my ears felt stooped up.
"Trouble would be better than this.... This moping around all the time."
That stung a bit. I'd been careful to avoid all forms of moroseness, moping included.
"I'm not mopping around."
"Wrong word," he grudgingly conceded. "Moping would be better - that would actually be doing something. You're just... Lifeless, Mavis. I think that's the word I want."
This accusation struck home. I sighed and tried to put some animation into my response.

"I'm sorry, Dad." My response sounded flat and dull, even to me. I'd thought I'd been fooling everyone. Keeping my family from suffering was the whole point of this traumatic effort. How depressing to think that the effort was none to any good.
"I don't want your apology."
I sighed. " Then tell me what you want me to do."
"Mavis," he hesitated, scrutinizing my reaction to his next words. " Honey, life goes on you know. Maybe someone else is suffering more than you are, you know."
" I know that." My accompanying grimace was limp and unimpressive.
"Listen , honey. I think that - maybe - you need some help."
" Help? "
" Honey, you're not handling it. I waited, I hoped it would get better." He stared at me and I looked down quickly. "I think we both know it's not working."
"I'm fine."
He ignored me. " Maybe, well, if you talked to someone about it. A professional."
" You want me to see a shrink?" My voice was shade sharper as I realized what he was getting at.
" Maybe, the pain would go away."
" And maybe it wouldn't help a wee-bit."
He examined my obstinate expression, and switched to another line of attack.
"It's beyond me, Mavis."
"Look," I said said in a flat voice. "I'll go out tonight, if you want. I'll call Gloria or Amy."
" That's not what I want," he argued, frustrated. " I don't think I can live through seeing you try so hard. I've never seen anyone trying this hard. It hurts to watch."
I pretended to be dense. " I don't understand, Dad. First you're mad because I'm not doing anything, then you say you don't want me to go out."
" I want you to be happy- no, not even that much. I just want you not to be miserable. I think you'll just have a better chance if you get out of Bunol."
My eyes flashed up with the first small spark of feeling I'd had it too long to contemplate.
"I'm not leaving," I said
" Why not?" He demanded
" It's too hot, and I'm in my last semester."
" We both know what's really going on here, Mavis, it's not good for you. Did you talk to Harry? "
I glowered at him. The heat almost, but not quiet reached my face. This subject was utterly forbidden, as he was well aware. And also he meant nothing to me now.
" I'm not waiting for anything. I don't expect anything. No miracles." I said in a low monotone.
" Mavis-" Dad began, his voice thick.
" I have to reach college." I was out the front door before he could react.
Trying to avoid dad, I ended up being the first one at college, best part that I found free parking another that I was left with myself and my enemy "Time"
Love is the wellspring of life. Without love, life is cold, barren, and unforgiving, as sterile as a crater on the moon. Every heart must have love, and every heart seeks love in a different way.

" And hearts that we broke long ago
Have long been breaking other."
-W.H.Auden

Time ticked by as I sat in my car, the crowd was now like ants in the crowd. I had to return with a news of company back home or I'll end up in Perth, Australia.
I picked up my things and walked to class. Mr. Veron had already started his English lecture, he stared at me as I took my seat next to Gloria. She didn't look up as I sat. I was like totally invisible to everyone nowadays. I was glad that I had fifty minutes to mentally prepare myself.
This class flew by faster. A small part of that speed was die to my "goody-goody" preparation this morning in the car but mostly it stemmed from the fact that time always sped up when I was looking forward to something unpleasant.
I grimaced when Mr. Veron dismissed the class five minutes early. He smiled like he was being nice.
"Gloria?" My nose wrinkled as I cringed, waiting for her to turn. She twisted in her seat to face me, eyeing me incredulously. "Are you talking to me, Mavis?"
" Umm... Yeah. Of Course." I widened my eyes to suggest innocence.
" What? Do you need help with Calculus?" Her tone was a tad sour.
" No." I shook my head. "Actually, I wanted to know if you wanna hang out.... Like movies or anything. I need some time out." The words sounded stiff, like lines badly delivered and she looked suspicious.
" Why are you asking me?" She asked, still unfriendly.
"You're the first person I think of when I want to hang out." I smiled, and hoped that It looked genuine. It was probably true.
She seemed a little mollified. "Well, I don't know."
" Do you have plans?"
" Well we were planing a trip to Santiago." She hesitated.
"We?" I asked.
" Well; Eric, Daniel, Cesar, Anna, Oliver, Mia and James. And not forgetting myself." She reported. "You can come if you like."
" Okay..... When do you leave?"
"Tomorrow at 6," she informed. "Don't be late, I'll let the others know." She smiled finally and we walked to our next class together.
It was hard but yet normal.....