The Long Game (Joshaya)

Why Do You Care About What I Feel?

* Maya's POV *

"I promise I won't let anything bad happen to you," I hear Josh whisper in my ear. I smile and the thought of him being around more often, protecting me. But I know that won't last forever; he won't always be there, especially for me. I never thought anything good would ever happen to me. I believe that with everything good in the world, there would be something bad. And I was on the bad side of the scale, while people like Riley were on the good side.

When I wake up, Josh is on his phone. "Hey, beautiful," he says, kissing the top of my head. "I have to head back to school," he adds, sitting up.

"Thanks for being here. It means a lot to me."

"I'd cross the world for you."

"You're so cheesy, you know that?" I laugh at him.

"I know," he replies, kissing my cheek. "I'll see you later." I get up and walk him to the door, giving him a hug before he leaves. I turn around to see my mom and Shaun smiling at me.

"What?" I ask them.

"Oh, nothing," Shaun replies as my mom giggles and covers her mouth. I roll my eyes and sit back in the chair, wrapping the blanket around my shoulders. My phone screen is covered with messages, the most recent one from Josh.

Josh: Miss you already, maybe we can do something this weekend?

Sure, I reply. Miss you too, Boing :)

The rest of the messages are from the gang, asking about how we're doing. I scroll through our group text and notice that there were none from Lucas, so I decide to text him.

Hey, can we talk tomorrow?

Almost immediately, he responds. Lucas: Ok.

I spend the rest of the day watching movies on my phone. Around the afternoon, Shaun says that I should go home at that he'll be back later in the evening. I decide that I can't wait to talk to Lucas; it was really bugging me.

Meet me at Topanga's in 15?

Lucas: Ok.

Why was he being so blunt? It wasn't like him. I want to to know why he seemed so uptight when I was with Josh. I walk to Topanga's and see Lucas is sitting at a table.

"Hey," he says, looking up at me. I join him at the table as a waitress brings two shakes.

"I need to talk to you."

"I thought that's why we're here?"

"Why have you been so...uptight lately, especially around Josh?"

"Because, Maya, he hurts you. And I hate seeing you get hurt."

"Why? I can take care of myself."

"Not around him you can't! You practically melt into a puddle at the sight of him."

"I know my own feelings," I shout at him. "And why do you care?"

He opens his mouth, then forms a straight line with his lips. He gets out of his chair and walks over to me. I feel like he's going to shout at me, but instead, he grabs my face and kisses me. When he pulls away, he drops his hands to his side.

"I just wanted to see if I felt anything," he says, his hands turning into fists. "And I don't." He walks out without saying anything else, just as Riley walks in with Farkle and Zay.

"Where's he going?" Zay asks me, throwing a cookie into his mouth.

"I...don't know," I reply. Did that really just happen? I haven't thought of being with Lucas since what felt like forever, and now he works up the nerve to kiss me?

"I'll go talk to him," Riley says, turning around.

"No!" I shout at her. "I need you here."

"Okay, Peaches," she replies. "You're above all."

He said he wanted to see if he felt something, so I replay the kiss in my head a million times to see if I felt anything. Riley smiles at me, then I think of Lucas cheating on her with that kiss. Should I tell her? The last time I tried to tell her about something between me and Lucas, things didn't go very well. She would immediately give him up for me, putting my happiness above hers. I try to forget about it and join in on the conversation about the senior flash mob rehearsals, but Lucas' words continue to repeat in my head.

I just wanted to see if I felt anything. And I don't.

***

* Josh's POV *

"Mr. Matthews?" I hear my professor ask, snapping me out of my daydreaming.

"What?" I hear classmates chuckle behind me, causing my cheeks to grow hot. I hate being called on in class and not knowing the answer.

"Never mind," he responds. "Ms. Feldman?" Another girl answers the question about the abilities of antibodies, so I pull out my phone to check my messages.

Maya: i need to see you. tonight.

I smile at the thought of being with her again so soon, so I text her back.

Of course, do you need anything?

Maya: no, just you

Her response makes me smile even more. "I'm glad you're enjoying yourself, Mr. Matthews," my professor says, looking up at me. This causes the entire class to laugh, so I sink down into my seat. You know how they say you find yourself in college and become more confident? The exact opposite happened to me. I didn't have a strong group of friends like Maya in high school, so transferring into college was tough. And having people to keep me grounded was practically non-existent after my best friend moved away. After class, my professor pulls me on the side.

"Josh, are you alright? My freshmen have been telling me that you're not showing up to tutoring sessions as frequently."

"Sorry, sir. I've just been having a lot going on lately."

"Is it a girl?"

"Why is that always everyone's first guess?"

My professor drapes his arm over my shoulders and pats me on the back. "Love defies description, but it can show itself in many ways. It makes people do things they never thought they'd do, but they do it for the sake and happiness of someone else."

"Thanks, professor." I begin to walk towards the door, but he stops me again.

"However, there is a difference between loving someone and being in love. You can choose to love someone, but you can't choose being in love."

"Why are you telling me this?" I ask him.

"I just want to make sure you know what you're doing. Josh, you're going to be out of here in a year, and I just want to help my students understand that out there is the big world. The people you choose to keep around you are the one's who will be your shield, but when they're not strong enough to shield you, they'll become your sword."

It sounds like something Cory would say to me, which makes me recall my first memory of him.

You know what's out there? The world. You're gonna be a part of it someday. You're gonna learn something from it every day. You're gonna make mistakes. You're gonna make good friends. Mr. Feeny will probably teach you every grade you're ever in. And maybe, you'll meet a woman as wonderful as Topanga. How'd you like that?

"Thank you, sir," I reply. "I needed to hear that." As I walk back to my dorm, I think about what he said about the difference between loving someone and being in love. I still don't understand it, but it made me question what I said to Maya on the roof of the hospital. Did I or did I not choose to love her?