The Long Game (Joshaya)

Explanation

Song of the Chapter: Issues by Julia Michaels

* Josh's POV *

The last thing I remember is Maya's worried face looking at me. Everything else after that felt distant and blurry. Maya took me back to her apartment and we both laid down on her bed like we've done many times before. Only this time, there was tension. Maya fell asleep, but I could tell that she didn't want to talk to me. I couldn't fall asleep. I wish I knew what she's thinking. I feel my phone buzz and pull in out of my pocket.

Peyton: Hey, Kamryn told me what happened...are you ok?

I shake my head and look over my shoulder at Maya, who's still sleeping.

I don't know, I reply. I shut my phone off and place it on the nightstand. I hear Maya moan and roll over to face her.

"Hey," she whispers, slowly opening her eyes.

"Hi."

She takes a deep breath and places her hand on the side of my face. "What happened back there?"

I place my hand over hers and hold it against me. "Don't worry about it. I'm fine."

"Josh, how can I not worry about it? You and Lucas almost got hurt today." She looks up at her ceiling and takes another deep breath. "If someone gets hurt because of me...I wouldn't be able to live with myself."

"I know you'll never hurt me."

"I hope not."

I kiss her forehead for reassurance. However, I don't know if I'm reassuring her or myself. If she ever broke my heart, I'll know that I deserve it.

"Are you okay though? After Lucas left, you kinda...scared me."

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to scare you."

"It's fine. Can you at least tell me what happened?"

I take a deep breath to calm myself. "I have...an anxiety disorder. I've had anxiety attacks and Peyton is the only person who knows about it. It's something I'd prefer to not think about, to the point where I forget about it." I look over at her and she gives me a small smile, which makes me relax a little more.

"When did it start?"

"Not long after I left you." She shakes her head and looks away. "But don't think for a second that it's your fault."

"How could I not?" she asks, her voice cracking.

"The only way you could hurt me is if you break my heart, and I know for a fact that will never happen."

"Is that supposed to be a compliment?" she asks, raising an eyebrow at me.

"Up to you."

She smiles and closes her eyes as she turns her head to face the ceiling. We lay there in silence until we hear the door of the apartment open. Maya jumps out of bed and goes to greet Shawn. Before I join her outside, I look at myself in the mirror. My clothes are all wrinkled and the top two buttons of my shirt are undone. My eyes are still a little red and puffy from this afternoon, so I shake my head at my reflection.

"I'd be fucked up without Maya," I say to myself. I walk out into the living room to find Shawn and Maya getting food out of the fridge.

"Josh, you staying for dinner?" Shawn asks me. Maya looks at me with a sad face in response.

"Actually, I was planning to stop by the Matthews' before heading back to campus," I lie. I feel like him seeing Maya and I together would only remind him of Katy. But now that I think about it, I should stop by.