The Long Game (Joshaya)

Same Person

* Josh's POV *

I haven't seen Maya since the day her audition. Although that was only a few days ago, it feels like another few years have went by. I didn't do anything for my birthday. All I did was stare at Maya's beautiful drawing, and picturing  us on that stage together. Shawn called earlier and said that her mom's funeral is tomorrow. I thought I would tell her then, but she's already in so much pain with the loss. The guilt is still eating me up and Peyton won't even talk to me. I've tried, but he's only given me one-word answers.

I call up Andre and tell him I need to talk to him. Again, I tell him what happened from the beginning. It only relieves the guilt for a little bit, until I realize that I still need to tell Maya.

"What the hell, man? You screwed everything up," Andre replies.

"I know and I have no idea where to start."

"You have to tell her and Peyton. You hurt two people you care about very much."

"Yeah, I get it. It hurts enough already."

"I think I should tell you something, too---about why Peyton's...really hurt about all this."

"What? We're best friends. We tell each other everything...well, almost everything."

"He likes you...maybe even---loves you."

"What?" I can't believe what I'm hearing.

"Yeah."

"Wha...when did this happen?"

"Um, last year maybe. But who knows? It could've been going on for longer."

I sit down and cover my face with my hands. I feel so embarrassed now to even show my face to anyone. The fact that he likes me in that way isn't the problem, but the fact that he hid it from me this long.

"Then, why all the---"

"He was trying to get over you, but I guess nothing worked. He came over here in tears a few days ago."

I can't believe he didn't just tell me. He's been hiding it all this time. That means...I broke another loved one's heart. Damn, I'm incapable of having anyone love me that way. Whether it was all out there like Maya or hidden for so long like Peyton...I don't deserve either of them. All they've done is care about me and I did nothing but betray them, break their trust, and push them away.

"I'm such an idiot!" I exclaim, running my hands through my hair.

"Yeah, you are. You really need to talk to them."

"How?"

"C'mon, Josh! If I were you, I wouldn't want to lose either of them. So, I would do something about it before it's too late."

"You're right. Thanks for talking some sense into me."

"Anytime."

I catch the subway back to campus, praying the whole way that Peyton's where I need him to be. I run from the station to our dorm, pushing past anyone in my way. I really need to talk to him. Andre's words about being too late kept repeating in my head. I open the door to our dorm and find him laying in his bed, on his laptop. When he sees me, he closes his laptop and pulls the covers over himself.

"Hey, I need to talk to you," I say, walking over to his bedside.

"What?" He turns to face his back towards me and tries to cover his head with the covers, but I place my hand on his to stop him.

"Really, I need to talk to you. Please."

"What's there to talk about?"

"Andre told me everything."

He stays quiet for a moment, then turns around to face me. "How much?"

"Uh, enough?" The look on his face makes me feel terrible. "I'm sorry I did this to you."

"It doesn't matter now." He rolls over to face away from me again.

"No, it's not." I sit on his bed and shake his shoulder. "Why didn't you tell me?"

"I didn't think it mattered to you."

"Of course it does. You're my best friend."

"Well how was I supposed to tell you?" he asks, his voice cracking. He sits up and faces me.

"I...don't know, but...you're still you. You're still my best friend. You've kept me grounded all these years and...I don't want to lose you. I can't...lose you."

I see his eyes take a quick glance down, then back up at me. I don't think anything of it. He places his hand on my neck and kisses me, making my heart beat faster. I don't feel weirded out by it, but...I don't really feel anything. When he pulls back, I see fear in his eyes. Not knowing what else to do, I pull him in for a hug.

"I'm sorry," he says. "I don't know why..."

"It's ok," I reply. "I've missed you."

He chuckles and hugs me tighter. "Same here." He pulls back and smiles. "Have you talked to her yet?"

I look down at my lap. "No, I haven't."

"You should." He lays back down and looks up at me, waiting for an answer.

"I...don't know where to start," I reply, laying down next to him. "How do you tell someone this kind of thing?"

"Well, there's definitely no easy way to do it."

"I don't know what I've gotten myself into."

"You have no idea."

"You're right. I don't deserve her."

"I'm sorry I said that. She makes you a better person; I've seen it. You just...got lost along the way. You need her."

"I really do. I love her so much...I don't want to hurt her, but I know I will."

"Love's a bitch," he replies, rolling onto his back to face the ceiling. "When will you see her again?"

"Tomorrow hopefully, if she doesn't run away from me. It's her mother's funeral."

"Oh, I'm sorry. I hope you find her."

I prop myself up onto my elbow and look down at Peyton. "Why the change?"

"I guess at first, I was mad about you actually dating someone, not just like your normal hookups. Hence, the pictures, which I'm so sorry I did."

I nod in response.

"After that, I realized how much you care about her and I felt awful. From then on, I just...put your happiness before mine."

"Thank you...if only I knew, Pey. I'm sorry."

"It's ok---like I said, your happiness before mine, even though it's not with me."

I feel so terrible for the way I've treated him. I can't use having no knowledge about they way he felt as an excuse. How am I supposed to tell Maya? I would blame Kacey for the threatening, but I could've handled it differently. I look back at Peyton, the same look of fear still on his face. Fear? Could fear be used as an excuse? Fear of hurting someone---doing the wrong thing for the right reasons.

I bite my lip, still deep in thought and sit back up. "Thanks...for everything."

"You're welcome. I'll be here for you."

A small smile forms on my face. "I know you will."