The Darkest Pleasures

Chapter 37

Chapter 37

-265 Days Later

It pisses me off knowing that in the next 24 hours I will be officially locked up in some rehabilitation center. I won’t know anyone. I will be starting from ground zero. I won’t be able to use my fame to get away with things. I won’t be able to use my charm and wit to be able to get out of there. People will try to sympathize with me. Something I don’t want. I don’t want anyone to feel sorry for me. There is nothing for them really to be sorry about to begin with. Yes, I did use my fame for unfair advantages. I slept with random women, I abused the use of alcohol, and I did drugs to ease my pain. 

I guess the true reason why I am being locked away is because of her. I shouldn’t really be mad at Liam, Louis, Niall or Zayn for forcing me to spend some of my precious time at a place to try to heal me. I should be blaming those Hazel eyes that I happened to fall for all those months ago. It’s her fault I’m in this state. 

I was doing just fine until she came into my life, so what if I was still abusing alcohol to numb the pain, and sleep with different women each night to ease my loneliness. All because of her I went off the radar. She was a chase that I thought would take my mind to a more of an ecstasy based state. I should have stopped the first time she ran away, but no I didn’t. I kept digging myself into a deeper hole. 

Then when she finally left, what I thought for good I was stuck in that hole. I don’t think I wanted to get out of that hole, because there was this feeling that continued to tell me that she just might be the one. The one you’ve been looking for all your entire life. She would be the one to help me out of that hole in the ground I’ve done, and the hole in my aching heart.  But, she never came.

I was stuck in that hole for I don’t know how many days, only being to self-medicate myself with animosity and strong liquor.

 Then over time the hole I was stuck in either got gradually shorter or I got taller because at one point I thought I had gotten out. Then once I was out I was only taunted for my behavior for getting stuck where I was. So I fell back in that hole again. Now this time filled with regret and sadness. It made me think about all the things that were going on in my life. However, eventually I started to forget those things and tried to climb out. At first I struggled, there was no doubt about that.  I thought I could just see myself over the edge; I was one arm’s length away. Then she came to help. In a sense Avery was both the angel and the devil on my shoulder. 

There was no doubt about it; she did help me move on from Hazel. But she also helped me that in the long run weren’t so beneficial for the both of us. Having sex with her was great. I’m not going to lie she was great in the sack for being a lesbian. But, I think us continuously having a no strings attached relationship started to mess with me on the emotional factor. This never happened before with my casual flings. I think deep down I started to develop actually romantic feeling towards her. I don’t know why I did this, because my brain knew that this would never work out because I wasn’t her specific gender of sex. Maybe that’s why I didn’t act really on those emotions. 

Then doing cocaine with her continuously was not one of my best decisions of my life.  The drugs only took away my deep rooted emotional pain temporarily, I wish I would have understood that sooner. But, I guess maybe that’s why I’m going where I’m going. Maybe this place will fix me, those chances are slim now. Because I only saw Hazel’s the other day when she said sorry. 

Was she actually sorry that I was sitting against that alley wall blood covered along my face while clutching my side trying to capture a normal breathing pattern again? Or was she sorry that I she had such a high influence on my emotional life? Was she sorry that both of us just witnessed one our friends being stabbed to her eminent death by Hazel’s new lover? Or was she sorry for being in my life all together.