The Azkaban Kid

Realisation

I hadn't spoken to anyone in three weeks. School had been finished for a week. I had gone to my lessons with Snape, eaten my meals, bathed and slept. All of my spare time was spent in my room.

Before you wonder, no, I'm not feeling sorry for myself. My time is spent in a sort of depression. All of the aftermath of my actions is weighing heavily on me. All of the regret is now claiming me. The families I have ruined, the lives I have ruined, the lives that I have cut short.

I am a monster, and I can't get over it. I deserve Azkaban. The people I have met are so nice. Sirius, Remus, Bill. They are all nice people and I realise that the light side is the better side.

If only I had been found by someone like that when I had ran away. I would never had murdered all those people. All it took was one year to change and ruin my life forever.

I just know that by the end of my seventh year, I'll be chucked back in Azkaban again. I just know it. There is no reason why I can't just go back now.

I have no family, friends, life. I just want to pay for my actions and be done.

"Poppy?" A quiet voice came from the other side of the door. I sighed and got up to open the door. I looked at Bill expectantly. "Hey." He smiled. "Dinners ready, and I would like you to talk today." I nodded and waked out of the room

I went to the table and sat down. I frowned slightly, Snape, Remus, Tonks, Scarface and then Bill, were all sat at the table. I looked at each of them and then back down to my plate.

"Look at me Poppy." I reluctantly looked up at Snape. "Good. Now we want to know what in Merlin's name is going on." His obsydian eyes bore into mine but I just looked past them at the wall.

I knew this would happen. They would eventually want to know about the sudden depression.

"Please Poppy." Remus sighed. I looked into his honey eyes and internally groaned. He was so honest and nice. I just shook my head and looked down again. I heard the chairs move and they were whispering with each other, Scareface and Remus.

I didn't bother to move or look up. After a while my chair was spun around and, in shock, I looked up to the person looming over me. Scarface had his hands on either side of the chair and was about 10 inches from my face.

"Now listen here Dustan!" He growled. My eyes widened and I shrunk back slightly. I had never really seen how scary his face can look. "I don't know what you are playing at, but you can stop right now!" He spat.

"I'm not playing at anything." I whispered. I looked down again but he grabbed my chin roughly and made me look at him.

"Alastair!" Remus protested.

"Hold on Lupin!" He growled. "Now tell me right now! One minute your a silly sarcastic death eater and the next, a sissy little girl." I looked anywhere but his face. It's true, I had suddenly changed, but I had suddenly realised my actions. "Look at me!" He raised his voice.

"It's nothing." I mumbled. He let go of me but didn't move back or anything.

"Tell me Dustan." He said, somewhat calmly.

"I said its nothing." I muttered again.

"Tell. Me." He insisted. It was nothing! Why couldn't he just leave me alone?

"Please, it really is nothing." I mumbled.

"TELL ME!" He yelled. I jumped back in terror and my chair fell backwards and hit the floor. I jumped out of the chair and stood up. He advanced on me still.

This situation had not happened to me since before I had run away. The situation of me being cornered and in danger. I just did what I always used to.

I kept walking backwards as he walked forwards. My back hit something hard and I could hear Remus and Bill asking Scarface to leave me alone, but he didn't.

I couldn't go back anymore but he didn't stop so I slid down the wall and just pulled my knees to my chest and covered my head. I heard him stop.

"What is she doing?" He hissed. I heard some more footsteps.

"I don't know MadEye. Just walk away a minute." I heard Remus say. Then I felt someone kneel in front of me. I looked up and saw Remus' face.

"Poppy?" I nodded and fully looked at him. "What are you doing?"

"Protecting myself. I did it at the orphanage." I whispered. Remus nodded and looked solemn.

"He wouldn't hurt you Poppy. We were worried about your actions over the past three weeks. Ever since we had that chat, you haven't done anything but work, sleep and eat." Remus explained. I understood.

"I'm just so sorry Remus." I went up onto my knees and wrapped my arms around his neck and hurried my face in his shoulder. I was really surprised at my actions actually. "So so sorry. I didn't mean to. All of the families, the lives, everything. I'm sorry, I really am sorry." I mumbled. My voice quivered and I realise I was crying again, for the second time in one month.

Remus put his arms around me. "I understand Poppy. I really do. But you need to think about the future, unfortunately, there is nothing you can do for them now. I know you are a good person Poppy. Just remember, Sarai was not such a good person, but you are." I nodded into his shoulder and I pulled away from him.

I forgot that everyone was there and went slightly red. My years were still streaming slightly as I stood up. Remus stood up and put a hand on my shoulder. I turned to the other four people in the room and coughed slightly.

"I'm really really sorry." I started. My voice sounded choked but I carried on. "I'm sorry for everything. It won't help but I am sorry." I looked up and Bills and Tonks' eyes looked pained. Snape looked emotionless as usual but Scarface still looked livid.

"Are you really buying this crap?" He growled. "It's obviously an act. She could pounce at any moment." Seriously, what have I ever done to him.

"Come now Alastair. Just accept that she is sorry for her actions. Like she said, it doesn't take it away but she seems depressed and inward at the moment."

"Who cares Remus! She is still a worthless murderer." That cut me hard. I may be recoiling but that hasn't changed my anger issues yet. I shrugged Remus' arm off my shoulder and walked towards Scarface.

"What is your problem?" I asked kind of quietly. "What have I don't to you?" I stared into his eyes and then he grabbed the front of my shirt and pulled me towards him. I gasped as he became inches from my face.

"You. Ruined. My. Life!" He spat. I gasped and went wide eyed.

"H-how?" I stuttered. He laughed cruelly and somehow pulled me closer.

"You. Killed. My. Sister!" He hissed and then pushed me to the ground. That hurt!

"Wh-what?" I stuttered again. I looked up at him and my eyes were probably wide as saucers. He advanced on me but I didn't move as I lay on the floor.

"You killed my beautiful Flora." He growled and he bent low towards me. "Don't you remember? She was found in her green shirt and blue jeans. She had the most beautiful blonde hair and bright blue eyes." He whispered. He had a crazed look in his eye.

"I rem-remember." I whispered. That wasn't me! But I was there, Rowle killed the girl. I understand now, god it's disgusting! What have I done! "B-but it wasn't m-me!" I argued. It still felt wrong though, I was there.

"Yes it was! It was all your fault! You killed her in cold blood after she had gone insane." I shook my head.

"It was-snt me b-but I was th-there! I'm so s-sorry!" I muttered.

"THAT WILL NOT BRING HER BACK!" He yelled. I flinched back slightly.

"ALASTAIR LEAVE HER ALONE!" Bill yelled. I looked over and they all looked apprehensive. He seemed to ignore Bill and Remus as he said the same thing.

"What if I killed you right now? Would that be ok? If you were an innocent young girl?" He whispered in a deadly voice. I shook my head. He pulled out his wand and stood up fully. He pointed it straight at me and I gasped but just lay there. I deserved this, I deserved everything I got.

The others, even Snape, was yelling in protest but Scarface easily deflected the disarming spells.

"I'm sorry! Just do it! I deserve it, please just do it!" I moaned.

"What? You really think it's that easy? I'm not going to kill you, that's too easy." He growled.

"I don't care! I don't want to live with this anymore." I closed my eyes tight and waited. Then I heard a thump on the floor and someone pulled me up and pulled me back.

I opened my eyes shocked and panted heavily. Scarface was out cold with Remus and Bill leaning over him. Tonks was not far from Bill so Snape must be holding me.

"Merlin." I whispered. Remus looked up and came towards me.

"Are you ok Poppy?" He asked me holding the tops of my arms after Snape let go. I nodded but looked away.

"I deserved it Remus. I watched his sister be killed by Rowle." I felt a stray tear slip from my eye.

"You didn't killer her?" He questioned softly.

"No but I watched and she went insane Remus. She really was beautiful as well, just like my...mom." I choked. "I let it happen." Remus nodded and guided me over to my room.

"Now listen to me." He bent down in front of me. "Wake up tomorrow and it's a normal day. Act normal and just try to forget for a while. Act like a normal young girl and we will eventually get over it but for now think forward. No more of this nonsense. Now get to bed." He smiled to me. I nodded and gave him a quick hug and then went back into my room.