:( everything's so hectic, up there. I can't concentrate, i'm constantly feeling tired, but not because i can't sleep. It's because i can't control my feelings. The thing with me is i prioritize my feelings. I order them and i try to forget the ones that are most important. my mind is so messy and chaotic; it's like a silent library but there's a paintball party and everyone's distracting you and you try to concentrate but you just can't. I'm mentally tired. I'm sick of feeling like i'm not allowed to feel the way i do, i'm sick of staying up at night fucking terrified that i'm incapable of loving and i'll never have someone to make me happy.
I've done a good job with dealing with all this, i keep telling myself. Except i'm not dealing with it. I have such strong feelings for someone but my brain tells me not to worry about it. I'll be okay, i think.
I know that when i'm at my peak, and i'm happy, i'll only ever waiting for the time when it all stops being happy and warm, and that's my problem. But that's okay.
