Typical Blogger//Joe Sugg

Chapter 50

A/N- Just a quick one before you continue. This chapter is just going to be a blog post. It's going to summarise everything thats happened in the past few chapters and is also going to talk about what happened in the time Olivia was missing. Feel free to skip this chapter but some things may not make sense unless you read this one. Continue xx

Where have I been?

You could say I've been MIA for the past few months and I'm sorry about that. But I would like to think I've got a pretty reasonable excuse. A lot of you don't know me and you never will but then theres some of you that do and I would just like to say the biggest thank you to all of you.

Before I start explaining and what not I just want to say I don't want your sympathy, sorrow or pretending you understand. I'm only telling you because your a huge part of my life and I feel like telling someone will help me. To Z, I love you and I just hope you won't look at me differently and I'm sorry for not telling you and please don't tell J. Also mum, I'm sorry I haven't told you most of this but please don't worry I'm ok (I think), just give me a call once you've read this (all of it).

Okay here we go, I moved to London to have a new environment and to be different. I wanted to change the world around me. You all know I met a boy, let's call him TJ. TJ and I fell in love. Falling in love with him was something I loved so much. He made all my days better and he just cheered me up. I really loved him (and I still do now as he does for me).

But then something changed. Something shook us all up and changed how I saw the world and everything. I fell pregnant. And God did that make a difference. I was scared and nervous and anxious and knew I couldn't be a mother. The worst of it all, I didn't want to lose TJ just because of one mistake. I kept it quite until I confronted one of my friends C. C said I should tell him and if TJ wasn't happy he wasn't the one.

So that's what I did I told TJ. Some part of me wished I never told him but the other part of me thanks myself because now we are stronger than ever. Some of you may of guessed but TJ wasn't happy. He really wasn't happy. He called me names, insulted me and for a split second I thought he was going to hit me. Our love was no more. He didn't love or care for me so I felt like what was the point in being here. I was so far away from my mum and the one other person I loved dearly didn't love me no more.

So I tried to get rid of myself and my mistakes by cutting myself. It's a shame I can't get rid of that mistake though isn't it. I lost a lot of blood but thank god one of my friends found me because who knows what would of happened, I might not of being writing this chapter today. Although the baby shook my life up I loved it and the more I thought about it and the more I carried the baby I couldn't wait to be a mum.

Once I had recovered, I tried to avoid TJ as much as possible. Taking time to realise what I wanted and how much I loved him I eventually forgave him. I'm so glad that I did because I wouldn't be where I am without him and I love him so much. I was going to have a family a beautiful baby on the way with the one I loved. But effing hell did that change.

Things were going great between us, we loved each other and the pregnancy was going amazingly. Until one night, we had just got back from going ice skating up in London which was wonderful and beautiful. TJ was in the shower and I was making a cup of coffee. There was no milk so I told him I was going out to get some, leaving my whole world behind.

I was taken (kidnapped) by some sick people who need help. I was away from my life for 2 weeks. 2 weeks in a hell whole. I understand that some people have it so much worse than me and just being in that situation made me realise how lucky I am. But it doesn't mean that I'm not scarred. I was beaten, hit, cut and raped. I remember his fingers trailing up and down my body whilst I screamed for help. I remember being sexually abused. I remember being hit when I didn't do what he said and I remember being cut with a knife going so deep into my skin I thought I was going to die.

Again I don't want no sympathy. I just want you all to know. I did escape and I'm so grateful of the person who helped me. I don't know who it was but I am so grateful you don't understand. I was rushed to hospital and that's all I know. I remember waking up with TJ by my side with stitches on my thigh and a cast on my leg. I was so relieved that I was back in my own life and not with some sick people who don't know what it feels like to have someone who loves you or to have a family.

Once again everything was going great. I was back with TJ and ZA. What more could go wrong now. What happened now was I found out that I had miscarried my own child. I felt sick to the stomach. I had lost my one and only hope. I had lost my own baby. I was a terrible mother to my own child who wasn't even born yet. How was I ever going to look after a child again.

I got sympathy and sorrow. None of which I wanted. I just wanted my baby. Knowing I didn't have to look after my own body anymore because there was no one to care for, I stopped. I stopped talking. I didn't want to talk to anyone or be with anyone. I barely ate until I was just skin and bones. TJ knew how hard it was for me and he supported me in whatever I did. I think to some extent I pushed him away. But he and I knew he wasn't going to give up and he didn't.

Over time I confessed all my feeling to TJ and just saying what I felt inside helped me massively. I know I'm not 100% and I know that I might not ever be 100%. But I can try. I know I need to look after myself and not push away the ones that I love. I know that I need to start eating or otherwise I might die. I know that losing my baby wasn't my fault and I know that I have people that love me that are not going anywhere and will support me.

As for my experiences, TJ signed me up for some therapy which I'm grateful for. I need help or otherwise I won't get better and I'll be scared like mental for the rest of my life. I'm going to get better. I know I will. I just have to work for it whether I want to or not. What I realise now is that talking about it will help me rather keeping all my emotions inside of me until I expose one day removing everyone I love dearly, 'Thats the thing about pain, it demands to be felt'.

I want to thank all of you guys for the constant support and I hope you understand why there might not be as many updates as usual. Just remember be grateful for everything in life and remember how lucky you are because some people have it a lot worse

Your Typical New York Blogger xoxo

Word Count:1383

Ok so this chapter is literally just a summary of everything filled with all her thoughts and feelings. This chapter is probably boring for some of you but it needed to be done so people aren't confused. Some things in this chapter will probably go into more detail later on in the book so keep tuned for that. Thank you all so much xx

Don't be afraid to comment or vote and I'll see you soon with another update xxx