And Through It All

02.

Earca in the mm .

My story begins from when I was a little girl. An innocent child at the hands of a cruel grandfather. About twice a year my family would fly out to where my grandparents lived. Thats how my young life started, being violently raped and abused over and over again. And thats how the sexual abuse continued throughout my entire childhood.

When I reached 6th grade, I was sent away to an all girls boarding school. I had been in and out of schools every year of middle school and when I was in 11th grade (in yet again, a new school ) thats where I met perp #2. She was my teacher, and I confided in her, the secret that I had been holding in all those years. She responded with kindness and compassion. But soon after, she went on to take advantage of my vulnerability, and continued the horrid pattern that my life had claimed. She would crawl into my bed at night and exploit and shatter whatever human part of me my grandfather had left behind. She stole any innocence that had been forgotten, she tore me apart once again- leaving me more broken than I had ever been.

The next two years went by, filled with numbness and unbearable pain. Filled with emotions I had never known existed. Filled with an emptiness that was so hollow , I was a walking dead person. The endless amount of sleepless nights became a ritual in my twisted schedule. The daily confusion and absolute loss that consumed me is indescribable. This torturous hell was my life as I had come to know it.

Who am I?
That was a question I asked myself repetitively at seventeen, clicking website after website in a haze. I felt something... nothing seemed ok or right; there were no words so I was just searching. On-line, the search I was doing was for songs. Songs that matched my feelings inside, things I didn't yet have the words to explain or describe. I would listen to songs that matched my loneliness, desperation, anger, and lack of hope trying to understand myself through my own tears.

I wanted to become free...I wanted to become safe, I was so numb, scared, and felt really alone. I want to become free, I want to become clean, I want to become safe, I want to become lovable.

The seventeen years I had on this earth were violent and full of pain. I was raped at four years old, before I could even write my own name, by some adolescent teenage boy that was a babysitter. I told no one for fear of him coming back. Then less than two years later, my father began sexually abusing me. He stopped when I hit puberty, but the pain lasted much much longer. My house was an ongoing domestic violence situation, and fear gripped my life.

And every single time, I was believed. I was told I was loved. I was told it was not my fault, that the blame laid elsewhere. I was told how strong I was, how funny I was, how courageous I was. I was told I was intelligent. I was told I had support. And most importantly, God put me in this situation for a reason .

I was told those things because I let my abuser brain wash me make me believe into something that wasn't true , letting me know I wasn't loved , letting me know everything was my fault and still is .

I was on my way to work , I was doing part time at a clothing store and another part time at a book store .

I wore a simple outfit plus it was hot out and I had on my olive two piece set and my nude sandals , it was simple and I Loved it .

I only had one friend before and that was Saje but she stopped coming to school , her mutha said she moved schools and she was my everything . I am currently living by myself in a small house , I had got me a job and left my family behind . I wanted nothing to do with them and they twisted ass minds .