Fragments

4.5

            4.5

            Roman said everything is good in moderation, but I didn’t even have the ability to not get high before entering my house.

            My anxiety and nerves and overall depression were suffocating me on the days leading up to coming home, and when I saw my mother’s face waiting for me in the airport, it was even worse. I told her I needed air when we pulled into the driveway and she left me alone.

            And now I’m high, wondering if I can just walk away instead of going inside where my father is for the first time in months and my welcome-back dinner is waiting to get into full swing. But I don’t think the guest of honor can bail.

            Especially when the celebratory dinner is kind of like a welcome home! This means you’re not dead party for my family.

            I wonder whose inside, waiting for me. Grandparents? Aunts and Uncles? If I had time to pray, I would have prayed that no one came and when I walk inside, it’s just an empty house with my hovering, disappointed mother.

            But I have no such luck.

            Inside, I’m bombarded with hugs and hellos and how are you’s. I don’t even have a moment to myself as I move though the house, eager to get out of my plane clothes and maybe brush my teeth. And then I see her.

            At the end of the dining table, setting down the plates, is Lane. We catch each other’s gazes, her eyes big and full of surprise and cruelty all at once. I didn’t expect her to be here. I didn’t think my mother would invite her, but then again, she mistakenly thought we were just on the outs, like friends who have small fights, and would reunite at her request.

            But even though I’ve been gone, I still hate Lane.

            I purposely turn in the opposite direction, offering polite smiles as I head up the stairs to my room to get changed. My buzz ruined, I wonder what the chances are of me able to smoke up outside again, or in the bathroom adjacent to my room with the fan on. But with Lane here tonight, the game has changed, and despite how much I want to just hide out all night and disappear with Roman’s stash, I need to be sober to face Lane.

            After all, she is the girl who Trevor was seeing while he was telling me he loved me.