Fragments

8.6

8.6

I'm silent for a long time. Telling the story, saying the words out loud, is different than remembering. It becomes a statement. It becomes real. I'm making my bed, knowing very well I'll have to lie in it when I'm done talking.

"Trevor overdosed."

Roman's lips press together in a tight line. Though he isn't looking at me, he still holds my right hand firmly.

"I gave Trevor the drugs that made him overdose. Me." I look down at the bed and try to focus on the dark sheets, but my mind is too focused on the past. "And when I realized he was overdosing, I was too busy breaking his phone on the train tracks to get help."

I remember the sound it made as the screen broke in half like it was only hours ago. Something about stomping down on the phone, grinding it into the metal until it couldn't give, was satisfying. I could have just deleted the video, but that didn't feel like enough.

Even with the end of the story laid out, I still have to say the words. For me.

"I let him die."

The weight in my chest shifts. Even letting something out is just giving way to the next crisis on my list to share.

Roman opens his mouth, ready to respond, but I hold up my free hand to silence him. This wasn't the story about what happened the other night. It was the story of how Trevor died.

"When you left with your band for a few days, things were okay at first. Reesa and I were hanging out, getting along, and I felt like we were becoming fast friends." I pause, having to take a sip of the water bottle I set down on the nightstand. I swallow hard. "But then Reesa wanted to go out the night before you came home. So we did, and we ended up running into Adam. You know, the one from my school you don't like?"

Roman cocks his head to the side. "I never said I didn't like him."

"Do you like him?" I deadpan.

"Not particularly."

"Exactly. Anyways," I continue, "Reesa disappears for a while, comes back with a really sketchy looking guy, and disappears again, but this time into the back of the club. So I go after her."

"You shouldn't have," Roman says, frowning. "Reesa's always getting into trouble."

"I know. And I wouldn't have, except she had the apartment key and I had nowhere else to go."

In a way, as I start telling him about Nik and Reesa and what I saw today when I came inside, I feel like a traitor. Reesa told me to say nothing to Roman, but I can't leave her out of the story when she plays a vital part. However as I keep talking, I realize something - I'd rather have Reesa hate me and be alive, than like me and be killed by that scumbag Nik.

"This is the part that I'm unsure about," I say. "While I begged Reesa to leave, Nik made me a drink and I felt like if I didn't drink it, I wasn't going to get to leave, either. It was the only drink I had that night, and I think he put something in it."

"Like drugs?" he asks, his voice noticeably angrier.

I nod. "I really think he drugged me. I was okay on the way out, where I ran into Lionel, this friend of Adam's, but then things started getting hazy."

"And you only had one drink." It's not a question. "I'm going to fucking-"

I let go of his hand and gently touch his face. "I'm not done yet, Roman."

He looks worried. He should be.

"Because Reesa wouldn't leave, Adam arranged for us to stay at Lionel's house." I have to avert my eyes again, knowing that if I meet Roman's gaze, I'll start crying. On the way over I told myself I wouldn't cry. I had to be strong. But as I explain what happened that night the tears start forming. I feel like I'm not only breaking my own heart, but Roman's, too.

Without saying a word, Roman pulls me into him. He wraps his arms around me, cradling me firmly yet gently in his chest. I can tell he's scared I might break - it's too late, though. I've already been broken.

He holds me for a long time without saying a word. I can tell I've stunned him, that he doesn't know what to say. And what could he, that would make it any better?

Nothing.

It's a long time before either of us finally speaks. We move to the top of Roman's bed, leaning against the pillows as our fingers intertwine. I'm thankful that he doesn't leave to confront Reesa. If I were alone with my thoughts, I think I would leave.

"It's not your fault, Piper. None of it." Roman squeezes my hand until I look up at him. His forehead wrinkles in concern. "You know that, right?"

"I killed him," I whisper.

"No. No, you didn't. He killed himself." He takes my face in his hands. "Trevor was the one using the drugs that day. He was the one who killed himself."

My eyes well with tears. "I didn't try to help him when he overdosed. I didn't call an ambulance."

Roman's gaze turns hard. "What reason did you have to call?" He lets my face go and rests his hand on mine. I wonder if he will ever look at me the same. "He was threatening you, hurting you and blackmailing you. Why would anyone save someone doing that to them?"

I don't protest when Roman pulls me into him. My head finds its way to his collarbone and his arms wrap around me, protecting me.

"I don't know what to do." I'm not talking about Trevor anymore.

"What about talking to the police?"

"It's too late." I wish the words don't hit as hard as they do.

"Don't worry about him, Piper. Never even waste a thought in your pretty head on him. He doesn't deserve it. No one like that does." Roman kisses the top of my head and my chest suddenly fills with warmth. "I'll make sure he never does that ever again. Not to you. Not to anyone."

How calmly he says it is what worries me but I try to push it out of my mind as I snuggle into him. More weight is lifted off my shoulders and yet I don't feel any better. I still feel empty. Numb, even with that little spark in my heart. I'm finally starting to realize that no matter what happens to Lionel, whether he's arrested or hurt or even killed, doesn't change what happened. And nothing ever will.