Fragments

7.9

7.9

"Last year," Adam starts, leaning his head back against the bookshelves, "A girl started going around saying that...well, she was saying Lionel took things too far. When I asked him about it he said it was a misunderstanding and he didn't know why she would lie about what happened. He said she wanted attention." His eyes close and I look away from him to the window of the library. A snowstorm is brewing outside. "I believed him," he whispers. "I thought he was telling the truth."

I hug my knees to my chest and rest my chin on top of them. After the crying quickly came the numbness.

"God, Piper. I'm so sorry I believed him."

I shake my head. "He's your friend, Adam. You can't blame yourself for trusting your friend to tell you the truth."

"I'm going to fucking kill him."

"Adam." I sit up again and rest my head against his shoulder. "No."

It's weird, how telling Adam without saying a word is so relieving. A small chip off the mountain I'm carrying on my shoulders. I'm a little less alone.

"There's something else I have to tell you," he says with a sigh.

"What?"

"Those guys from the bathroom earlier? They knew. Not the truth," he says quickly, "but what I thought happened, it was them who told me."

I close my eyes and try not choke. "He's telling people."

We're silent for a long time. Our thoughts are all-consuming with no room to share. So we sit, with me leaning against him in the middle of the library.

I can't imagine why on earth Lionel would tell people. Regardless of the lie being spread around, it baffles me how he would spread it. What good would it do for him? I'm the weird girl who doesn't talk to anybody, who meets with the older guy in the lobby before he takes me out into town. There's nothing to gain. Yet he took everything.

I wonder if I should tell someone. Someone important who could do something about it. In my head I imagine going to my doctor, explaining what had happened. But there would be questions, wouldn't there? And I'd have to lie about the alcohol, the club, everything that could even give me a chance of getting kicked out. Elizabeth Roe's wasn't a haven, but it did fair much better than going back home.

Adam swallows hard. "Does Roman know?"

"No," I mumble. "He knows something is really wrong though."

"Do you really like him?"

His question catches me off guard. I don't want to admit it but I know it hurts him a little to ask it. It puts everything between us as strictly friendship. And even though that's what I want, it's awkward.

"Yeah." It feels good to say it out loud and hurts at the same time. Things are so different because of one night. "I really like him."

"Then you have to tell him."

Suddenly I'm sitting up. "I can't."

I feel Adam's eyes on me, watching, waiting for me to say more but I close my lips tightly.

"Piper, it's spreading around and if he comes here he's going to find out the wrong version of what happened. That's not going to go over well, but if you get through that and explain the real truth, he's going to get mad. He's going to go rip Lionel to shreds and then he's going to have it hanging over his head that you didn't tell him. How do you think that makes a guy feel, especially when his girl can't tell him?"

"I'm not his girl."

"Oh fuck off, Piper, you are and you know it. Do you really think he's going to react badly towards you if you tell him?" He meets my eyes, his expression soft.

"That's not it," I mumble.

"Then what is it? I can't help you if you don't tell me what you're worried about."

I close my eyes and think back to sitting on the floor of Roman's bedroom, packing. The way he looked at me up from the bed. The sympathy was too much. I can only imagine how he'd look when I tell him. It would break my heart.

"I'm not the same, Adam," I start, the words coming out all too fast. "I'm used and broken and I'm not the same girl I was before. He's going to pity me and I don't think I can handle that."

"You're the same. You're just going through some really tough shit right now, Piper."

"I'm not."

"You are."

I push myself to my feet and grab the bookshelf for support. Outside, the blizzard has calmed slightly into big, fluffy snowflakes.

"Can you walk me to my room?" I ask. I'm avoiding his eyes again. "I don't want to run into those assholes from before." Or anyone else.

Adam rises to his feet. "I'm going to find them later." When he see's the look on my face he holds his hands up in front of him. "Hey, I'm only going to talk to them. I don't want them spreading that shit around."

We walk close together out of the library and into the empty halls. We're quiet for most of the walk to my hallway, until we stand outside of my bedroom door. I lean against it slightly, resting my hands together behind me at my lower back. I'm feeling a little guilty for hitting him earlier.

"Be good, Adam," I warn.

"I'll tell you what," he says with a smirk of his lips. "I won't be bad."

"I'll take it." I turn to grab my door handle but Adam grasps my arm first.

"Piper..." He looks down at the ground for a moment, and then his blue-green eyes meet mine before encasing me in his arms. I feel the warmth of him, with my face pressed to the front of his uniform. "What happened - it's not your fault."

I don't reply to his words but stay wrapped in his hug. I've often wondered since it happened if I could have done more to prevent it. But something was seriously wrong with me that night, and I can't deny that.

Stepping backwards, I push up the blue sleeve of my uniform. The bruises are starting to change from purple to a greenish-yellow. Adam reaches out and gingerly touches it. It's in the shape of a handprint.

"Sometimes," I say, "I think it might be easier to process if it was my fault."