Redemption

Chapter Nine

Song: Secrets-One Republic

Karen and I decided to go for a walk so I could explain everything to her; she had a right to know. I hated myself for keeping it from her this long. The air was slightly chilly; the sun was setting just below a few houses. It felt good to get out of the house for the first time all day, I was enjoying it. I hated that we were talking because of the big secret I kept from everyone for so long. She was calm though, she only wanted to listen and to understand. I hated myself. I couldn't believe I never mentioned it before.

"I found out I was pregnant after we were engaged. I was scared to tell him at first, but I did eventually. I didn't think he could be any happier, really. He was through the roof. It was the second time I've ever watched him cry. He even wanted to move the wedding up a few months, but I begged him not to. We were already stressing out about things and I really didn't want to worry even more. I knew we should have told everyone, I wanted to. Even Lucas was begging me to, but I wasn't sure I was ready. I wanted to give it time to sink in, I wasn't entirely sure what was going to happen.

"I was happy, though. God was I happy," I smiled, a few tears sliding down my cheeks. "I cried and cried for days when I found out. I knew my life was coming together and I couldn't have been happier. Lucas and I started thinking of names; Levi, Abby, Noah, Emma... We couldn't stop talking about it, I didn't even know how we kept it a secret. We searched through dozens of furniture sites, trying to find the perfect setup for our baby. We didn't even look at prices, we didn't care. We were doing things so fast because we were so damn excited. Then, in only a matter of twelve weeks, it was over. My life was flipped upside down in weeks. Lucas was at work and I was cleaning our bedroom when I noticed the blood. I rushed to the bathroom and I knew. I lost the baby and I didn't how I was going to tell him.

"He found me sitting against the bathtub in the bathroom, my head resting on my knees. I couldn't look up at him, knowing he was going to be so heartbroken. I didn't want to crush his dreams, Karen. He's always wanted kids, he wanted a big family and a big house to hold them in," I was crying now, unable to stop the tears from falling. 

She wrapped her arm around me as we continued to walk down the street. "We looked at each other and he knew, he knew we had lost it. I couldn't begin to describe the look in his eyes as I watched him. I was hysterical because I wanted the baby as much as he did. I guess after that, things began to fall apart. We fought over small details but it was never anything big. Until one day he decided he didn't want to marry me. His exact words were, "I can't do this, Andy. We can't do this. I don't want to get married,". And that was it, after that, I left. I knew he didn't want to be with me, I could see it in his eyes. I think because of the fact that I lost our baby, it destroyed our chances of being together. It was my fault."

I was barely holding myself together as I told Karen the story, her own tears falling down her face. I didn't tell her because I wanted her to hate her son, I couldn't blame him. We both gave up hope when I lost the baby, he figured that I wasn't able to have children and that was all he ever wanted. So, I left. Why stay with someone if they didn't want you? Why hope for something to turn around when you knew it wasn't going to?

"Oh, Andy. I'm so sorry," She pulled me into her, holding me tightly. We were both crying in the middle of the sidewalk but we didn't seem to care. "Have you told anyone?" I shook my head. "I'm sorry you had to go through that alone. I can't believe he didn't fight for you. He loved you, you know."

"I know, and I loved him. I spent many years with him and I still continue to cherish them. But I realized awhile ago that it was over for us, I knew it wasn't going to happen. We weren't meant to be. I just didn't want to believe it. I'm sorry I said those things to him in the kitchen, I let my anger get to me."