A funny word called Love

Chapter 27

"I didn't know her for too much of my life. I was only seven when she left me. It was never quiet when she was around, though. She wouldn't stop yelling. Sometimes it was just yelling at the world, but most of the time it was at me. Me because I broke something. Me because I distracted her from something important. Me because I wanted to invite an acquaintance over and she didn't have time for this. Me because I had started figure skating and wouldn't shut up about it. Me because I couldn't do one goddamn thing right. She would occasionally take out her anger in a more violent form, shoving me or hitting me, or throwing something across the room. I was never sure when her next outburst would be, which was partly why I became so devoted to skating so quickly. It was an escape. Maybe she used to be kind. Maybe she used to be a wonderful person. I think that she must've been, because there are a few memories that stick out in my head of her being kind. Like when she let me help her make pirozhkis, gently guiding my hands to help her knead the dough. Or the time that she and I went on a brief trip to St. Petersburg to see the city. Or the time that she tried helping me learn how to read, and her eyes glistened with pride when I started to get the hang of it. But regardless, the pleasant memories of her are few and far between. She always seemed to hate me. It always felt like I was nothing but a bother, a useless piece of junk that was unnecessary and unwanted."

Yuri paused for a moment, noticing how distressed Otabek looked at hearing this, but Yuri continued, now rocking back forwards a little bit on the chair he was sitting on, "When I was seven, she left. I don't know why, though I imagine that it was probably because she didn't want a child, or that she wanted a child and then had me, and maybe she would've liked having a different child, and just didn't like having me. But, it's best not to dwell on it. The day that she had left me had actually been a pretty pleasant one. It was close to christmas and she let me help her make cookies, and then we played a few card games. I suppose that she must've wanted my last memories of her to be pleasant ones. After that she suddenly got up, and pulled me with her. She told me to pack up my things, and that we were going to visit Grandfather and bring him cookies. She told me to pack everything in my room that I could fit into a suitcase, and meet her in the kitchen as soon as I was done, and told me to hurry."

As Yuri was walking Otabek through these memories, he noticed that he was crying and continued nonetheless, "I was extremely confused as to what was going on, but didn't ask any questions, seeing as I was only seven. We were soon at Grandfather's house and she gave me the cookies and said that she was going out to the store to pick up some items. She then suddenly pulled me in for a hug and said, 'I'll always love you Yuri.' That was the last time I saw her. For a while I thought that she was going to come back. But by the third day of her absence I had given up hope. I think Grandfather had realized when I got there that I was being left in his care. I'm still perplexed by her last words to me. I still don't understand how she could say that she'll always love me before abandoning me. It's because of that, I think, that the word love made me fearful and confused up until pretty recently. Once it finally hit me that my mother wasn't coming back, I started crying. I didn't stop until I passed out from exhaustion about a day and a half later. I was so upset after realizing that that had been my last time seeing my mother. I blamed myself for her leaving. I thought it was my fault. I still do actually, but it's less raw and painful now. Grandfather tried to comfort me, tried to persuade me off the ground with pirozhkis and sweets, but it was not until I had woken up after passing out that I was able to function again."

Yuri tried to ignore how horrified Otabek looked and continued, "Ever since then I've lived with my grandfather. I still have no clue what happened to my mother. Around the time I turned ten, I would ask him every single day what had happened to her. I don't know if he truthfully didn't know or just didn't want to tell me, but I never found out, and eventually pretended that I didn't care. After the breakdown after it hit me that she would never return, I learned to harden myself to the world, or at least I tried. I learned that the world was a terrible place where mothers and fathers, the people who are supposed to love you unconditionally, leave you for no apparent reason. I tried not to let my emotions show, knowing that if I released a little bit of what I was feeling, all of it would come flooding through."

"I stopped showing any emotions besides anger and slowly became more bitter, resentful, and angry at the world who had only proved to cause me pain. I didn't try to make friends because I was afraid that they would end up leaving me. It wasn't until I was 15 and met you that I began to allow myself to show emotions. To open up bit by bit. It wasn't until then that I began to realize that it's not a bad thing to open up to people. It wasn't until then that I allowed myself to try and make a friend. And it wasn't until recently that I realized that love wasn't always a fake word, and it wasn't until recently that I learned that love wasn't a word to be afraid of. So, yeah, ever since my mother left, Grandfather was my parental figure. He's always been so kind and loving and nurturing. He's always supported my skating and been there in any way that I've needed and I'm so afraid to lose him. He's the last family member that I have that's left. I don't want to lose him as well," Yuri finished, and by now it's not silently crying, but full on sobbing. He hadn't thought about it in so long. He had shoved it so far in the back of his mind and telling Otabek felt like he had just relived it.