A funny word called Love

Chapter 37

It was almost time for Yuri's short program to start and he began to try and shut his brain off, because really, that was the only way that Yuri was going to get through this program. 'I can deal with everything after the competition. When the competition is over, my problems will still be there. But for now I have to focus on the task at hand. One problem at a time. First, complete the competition. Then, deal with everything else. You can get through this skate, and then the next one. You just need to stop yourself from thinking about Grandfather and instead think about peace and tranquility and shit. How the hell did you even pick this fucking theme. What were you even thinking?' Yuri thought to himself.

He went out onto the ice and began skating. It went smoothly for a while. His mind was blank, and if there was anything running through it, it was just about what the next motions would be, or how to perfectly land that upcoming jump. For a while it was flawless. Yuri was halfway through the program and it began to feel like he might actually be able to get through his short program smoothly. Sure, he still wasn't getting any good performance points, but he at least was able to nail all his jumps thus far.

However, just as Yuri was entering the second half of his program, his mind flashed to the previous night. He remembered that that was the most that he had cried since his mother left him with his grandfather. He, conveniently enough, thought of this just as he was jumping, and he fell, but he immediately got up, so no real harm had been done. He continued with his program, thinking to himself, 'No, don't think about that. You can think all you fucking want in a few minutes, or preferably when this whole ordeal is done, but right now please actually be quiet for once!'

Otabek was watching from the audience and was holding his breath. He was honestly quite surprised that Yuri had managed to land his jumps in the first half. Yuri looked like he hadn't slept at all, and most skaters would barely be able to skate without sleep, let alone do complicated jumps. However, Yuri's theme was peace and tranquility and this performance was the opposite. Yuri was scowling, his eyes dark and confused looking, and instead of his usual relaxed and flowing motions, he was much more rigid and tense. Occasionally Yuri's face would screw up in concentration, as if he was willing himself not to think.

When Yuri fell, Otabek wasn't surprised, though he was quite relieved when Yuri automatically got up and continued, barely missing a beat in the music. However, Otabek was pretty sure that he knew what was going on, why Yuri was so stiff and his eyes so clouded. He was trying to force himself not to think. That tactic was not a wise one, in Otabek's opinion, because trying not to think about something normally makes you only manage to think about it more. It was more practical to try to convey all the emotions you were feeling into whatever you were performing. That way instead of blocking out your emotions you channeled them in a healthy fashion.

Yuri messes up once more, hand touching down while landing, before his short program is over and Yuri is just relieved. It definitely wasn't his best performance, but given the circumstances, Yuri had thought that he wouldn't even make it through the entire program. His score isn't terribly high, due to the falls and the poor performance, but Yuri was sure that he was going to score much lower, and Yakov told him, "You'll be able to close the gap with your free skate performance."