Pearlmethyst fluff all the way

Pearlmethyst 18

I woke up from my usual nap. Me needing some time to myself, sleep is the best way as Steven says, but he thinks that really makes me feel relief is writing. I mean like I'm not one to do anything that involves Something responsible but writing can just let my hand do the work while my mind helps take it out.

I got up from my pile of junk and headed to a secret location.

Another pile of junk... but this time. Its my secret pile... ohhhh.

I started think of bad thoughts. Mostly when i express my anger. Its like I'm leaving all my bad memories into this book. To save room for good ones.

My hand starts to move as i let it do what it needs to do. This is what i came up with.

'I am under your foot
Below the gravel of dirt
I am what is nothing.

I start to remember the time. I first came out of my hole. I was alone. Didnt know what to do. Never really thought that. I wouldnt be alone for much longer.

Sink into my level
Comfort and sorrow
Yet you lash out
I await my gem cracked tomorrow

Memories of the fight with pearl. I was so angry. I know what i am! You dont have to remind me of what im supossed to be! A parasite, mistake, unwanted, runt. I remember hurting her. I've hurt my own teammate. And i loved it. As she looked at me in pain. It felt great!! Something ive never experienced before. Now.... i regret it. I cant seem to see what will become of me by tomorrow. This smart talk is giving me a head ache.

Despised you are
Scowl at me
I will never be the same
I wont even remember my name

One time. I thought shattering myself would be the solution. When rose brought me back. Pearl hated me. Yet i idolized her, rose and garnet. I loved them so much, yet she still insists to rose that i should be bubbled. No. Sometimes i meant my gem would be cracked. I would hope the fall would have shattered me, but no. Still the same. As it is. Im not her. Im just me.

Time and time again
You nag to me without end
My guts scrunch up in a knot
Leaving the ashes to be blown away 

I hate being told what to do. Even in the most simplest things. It makes me feel like a slave instead of a partner. A sidekick instead of a hero. She always tells me everything should be her way. But i dont want her way! I want her in general but i just. Is it so wrong. What im doing. Is it wrong? Am i wrong? I dont want to think about it any longer. Ive hurt myself before but shes been hurting me ever since.

Like a petal fallen from a rose
My crystal blue tears fall
Cheek to chin
My patients were's thin

She still loves her. I've confessed before, my feelings for her. She told me to wait. So i did. I waited and waited and even waited for her. I cant keep this up. Eventually. I would be the first crystal gem to die. But i would still wait for you. Even if i fall my last tear. Even if i fight my last battle. I will wait. Even if it shatters me.

I end this with a jab
My pen and paper is what i grab
To hurt my insides
And to tune my song
trash of a body
Sweet sweet melody.'

Sometimes. I dont even understand my words. Yet it tells me a story.

I hate it. Hate her. Hate me. Hate the fact that i hate her. Yet i want to. If i dont........ she'd hate me to.

Ive like pearl for so long. I forgot what its like to be close with her again. She loved rose. Now. She still does. I can never forget the fact that she will never love me. Maybe moving on is the right thing to do.

I saw on tv. An advertisement for liquor. Ive been drinking ever since. It tastes like expired milk, but with more flavor or less. I dont know. Ive been surrounding myself with the others. Vidalia, lapis, gregg, peridot......

I think peridot likes me. Im not sure but i will give it a shot. She saved me once and that was the time she hated me.

Cant wait to finish the book. Ive written 4 more in the past year. They were all filled up with everything i got. Im kinda proud of it to. No ones found out about it and i plan to keep it that way.

/ pearl closed the book and the cover of the title (amethyst's, dont touch or open. Or else)  filled her vision as tears feel from her eyes as she choked her words. "She hates me....."

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Omg its been so long. I had so much stuff. I have finished the hardest grade level of my school thus far.!!!!! More stories yet to come.