ஜ Capricious & Evanescent ஜ Assorted and Mainly Frerard One-Shots ஜ

I Know This Hurts, It Was Meant To

Get Busy Living Or Get Busy Dying (Do Your Part To Save The Scene And Stop Going To Shows)//Fall Out Boy

Gerard was shivering, curled up in my lap, crying. He was like a frightened animal seeking shelter and I was terrified of not being able to provide that for him for longer than just today. I couldn't guarantee that I'd be here forever. You can never predict where the road goes. You can never make eternal promises, because by nature, everything is capricious.

"You shouldn't love me." He whimpered softly against my chest. "I've done so much shit, and I just fell into it again, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I... I didn't mean to, I... I hate myself Frank, I hate myself so much..."

"Don't you dare fucking blame yourself." I whispered into his hair. "I'm... I can't believe you haven't told me about this before but that's not the point, I don't care because it's not your fault, he fucking knew you were susceptible to it... I just... I can't believe he'd slip you something like that without your consent..." I knew Bert was dumb, Gerard told me that, but the idea that he would give cocaine to anyone as a joke, especially Gerard, it just pissed me off. "I swear to god, I'm gonna fucking kill him for doing this to you..."

"N-no, please... He didn't know I'm more straightedge now Frank, it's not his fault—"

"Of course it's his fucking fault—

"Please." Gerard looked up at me with pleading eyes. "It's my fault Frank. I know that. Just put the blame on me, I'm so used to that. That way I can promise to be more careful. That way I can change, because I'll feel guilty, I'll wanna stop using. Frank, I don't wanna do this anymore." His eyes were spilling tears, as if they would fix the problem, as if they were a bandaid on his old addictions. "As long as I love you I swear I won't use it, I swear I won't let myself, I'll stop being friends with Bert if I have to cuz I know he's toxic... So please, just blame me, just hold me to it. Because I know it's my fault. I know." I put my hand under his chin, stroking his jawline, my own eyes tearing up. Maybe he was right. Maybe he would hold himself to it if I blamed him, even if it wasn't his fault, not really. Maybe that was for the best.

"I..." My voice was feeble, because it was just so hard to speak when Gerard was this mess, all tears and a runny nose and greasy and just so fucking ugly in the most beautiful possible way. "I can't blame you."

***

I shivered as I pulled the sheets over the bed, just thinking about it. The thought of him going back to that. We never really made the promise but I had always assumed he wouldn't go back to using... Even if we never made the promise, and if we had, even if he didn't love me. Shit, everything was a mess, everything hurt now. I didn't fucking want Gerard to be hurting like this.

I rubbed my eyes, letting go of the pillowcase in my hand to keep any tears from spilling down my cheek. My former boyfriend, the beautiful piece of shit I still loved, he was here. He was in my house, hurting me even more than he ever had in the past few months just by being drunk, by being honest, by existing so close to me... I sniffed, shakily huffed out a loud, upset breath, and then took away my hands, hugging my torso. No crying. Not in front of him. He wasn't obligated to love me, and I wouldn't guilt trip him into it with waterworks.

I picked up the pillowcase again, shoved the pillow into it, and went out into the other room. Some cheesy horror movie involving some cult and a chick with blonde hair that was obviously gonna get slaughtered was playing on low volume, and Gerard was curled up on the couch. Eyes closed, breath slow and relaxed, as if he was finally sleeping. I bit my lip and a little melancholy smile was drawn onto my face whilst I sat down on the edge of the couch and brushed his arm. His eyes squinted shut, he pressed his lips together tightly, and then his face relaxed a little bit before his eyes fluttered open. My smile faltered.

"Frankie..." He mumbled, his eyes widening a little and his mouth parting.

"Gerard," I said, softly, but not affectionately. He scooted closer, placing a palm on my thigh and using it to sit up. He let his head fall into the crook of my neck and I had trouble stopping him. I missed feeling him this close all the time. I missed it when he whined at me. I missed taking care of him. But I'd already lost that, hadn't I? I skated my fingers down the fabric covering his spine and he shivered.

"You need to go to bed," I whispered, biting my tongue before I added a "honey" to the end of that sentence. Gerard rubbed his cheek against the fabric of my shirt as he nodded. "Why don't we stand up and I'll take you to your room?"

"Mmkay," he slurred, and he placed flat hands against my chest as he separated himself from me. I grabbed his shoulder as we stood up, and then wrapped an arm around his torso as he stumbled. He was so far gone at this point I didn't think he could walk.

"C'mon Gee..." I sighed. I led him into the bedroom and Gerard immediately dropped down onto the bed, falling sideways with his head on a pillow while his legs still hung off the bed.

"Legs, Gerard," I ordered. "And turn on your side... if you throw up in the middle of the night and you're too passed out to wake up, I don't want you to choke to death." Gerard blinked up at me innocently, and surprisingly, followed my demands without hesitation.

"Why?" Gerard asked. I tilted my head to the side.

"What? 'Why' what?" I asked.

"Why are you helping me?" He whispered. My eyebrows drew together in concern and I knelt down on the floor to be eye level with Gerard. "Why do you still... care about me... when you have Jamia? You care about me, don't you?"

I looked away.

"Yeah."

"Then why do you care about me when all I ever did was hurt you?"

My eyes shot up at him, suddenly watering.

"What?"

That wasn't true. That wasn't true in the slightest.

"I was jealous, I said shit about Jamia... I got mad at you for hanging out with her... I loved you too much. I still do... I don't wanna love you, because I'm jealous, I'm still jealous of her, I can't stand the thought of not being the perfect boyfriend, the better boyfriend, I just love you so fucking much." Gerard hiccuped. "I hurt you so fucking much Frank. I yelled at you. I said that... You cared more about her than me." He reached out and touched the scorpion mark on my neck. My breath shortened.

"Yeah, you did," I whispered, but placed my hand over his. "That's not who you are though. I know that. But you didn't wanna be with me, and I understand why... you'd feel that..."

"No," he whimpered, shaking his head. My eyebrows drew together. "I didn't wanna lose you. I was really dumb. I didn't wanna let you go. I miss you. I miss you every day."

My lips trembled and I let go of Gerard's hand. He slowly did the same, fingers trailing against the skin on my neck

"Go to sleep, Gerard." I whispered. I was going to start crying, really crying if he kept going.

"Frank," he croaked, but I stood up and walked out of the room. I wasn't going to listen. I couldn't.

Wow, two updates in one week? Who am I?  (A person who doesn't edit their work, that's who)

Anyhow, I'm kinda tired of always writing angst so if I can get my act together and actually finish it I might start posting some smut for you sinners out there ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°). I don't think I've published smut since my prison story, which I should take down to be honest... yeah. I'm gonna stop talking about that because this author's note is getting far too long when I didn't even plan to leave one on this chapter.

Lastly, I'd like you guys to know that this isn't the end of this chronicle of one shots, I have at least one more planned out. Worry not if you don't like this ending.

-Alex🌹