Probitas | jicheol & meanie•

65 [special .10]

WONWOO waited, fingers fidgeting with anticipation and... fear, perhaps.

He feared this would be the day Seungcheol would tell him to stop. He feared the older would tell him everything was just merely a joke. That he never really meant to accept him again. That he could no longer accept Wonwoo anymore. That he was losing his last chance to turn everything back to the way it was.

But he was no time machine. Hell, he doesn't even have magic powers.

He's aware that he ruined everything for them. He ruined his and Seungcheol's relationship.

He ruined Seungcheol.

But that's a lie, isn' t it? Seungcheol's doing fine without him. He managed to be fine. He's happy. He's laughing with his friends. It almost looked like he didn't need Wonwoo anymore. Which is probably true. He doesn't need him, nor love him anymore. Wonwoo wasn't that dumb. It was obvious as if reality was slapping him on the back harshly, telling him 'Bro, open your goddamn eyes. He no longer needs you and it's your fault.' It was obvious that the love Seungcheol had for him for the past three years was gone... lost. He lost him.

He knows these thoughts aren't helping him, but he couldn't stop them from coming. Nasampal na nga siya ng katotohanan at nasaksak ng bilyon-bilyong beses, hindi pa nakuntento binabaril pa siya ng sandamakmak na mga hindi nakakatulong na bagay ang bumabagabag sa kanya.

It was his fault after all.

To be quite honest, he couldn't sleep when Seungcheol told him those comforting words. Not entirely becaus he was happy, it was because he kept questioning himself. Kung nagdala ako ng sobrang sakit sa puso niya, bakit binibigyan niya ako ng pagkakataon? Is this some kind of prank o revenge?

Gagantihan niya ba ako?

Of course he thought it was that. Kaya nga hinanda niya na sarili niya sa pagpapahirap na gagawin ni Cheol sa kanya. Sinabi niya na sa sarili, "Wonwoo, kailang maging matatag ka. Kailangan maiparamdam mo sa kanyang mahal mo siya."

However, the older evading him and rejecting his offers was something he did not expect. Nagmukha kasing yung pagtanggap niya ay isang malaking pagpapaasa. At first he thought, maybe he did deserve it. Yung paasahin siya, saktan siya, at iwanan siya sa ere ni Seungcheol. Those were the things he did to the man when he was with... w-when those events happened. It wasn't impossible. But the act continued, at hindi na talaga niya nakakasama si Cheol. It was just simple hi's and hello's now. Minsan hindi pa siya pinapansin. He never gave up though. Lagi niyang tinatanong sa mga kaibigan nila kung nasaan si Seungcheol. All he gets back from them are hesitant answers at mga 'Hindi ko alam hyung eh. Sorry.' Bihira siya makatanggap ng maayos-ayos na reply.

Doon lang din siya napaisip. Hindi lang relasyon nila ni Seungcheol ang nasira niya. Pati na rin tiwala ng mga kaibigan niya. Especially Seungkwan. The guy surely loathes him. He could almost feel his hatred and demise towards him. The only barrier left to protect him from Seungkwan's harsh words and actions was Vernon. Somehow, his friends still have that little sympathy and fondness for him. Napaka-thankful na niya para doon. Mostly for Seokmin. Seokmin was also there for him. He was always there for him. To the extent that he would bring foods for him; his three meals, and some snacks. Para lang hindi siya magutom, hindi malipasan. Para kahit sira siya ay hindi siya mamamatay. The usual things the lad would say to him as excuses para kumain lang siya. He barely takes in two spoonfuls, minsan isa lang.

Yung mga gusto niyang maranasan kay Seungcheol ulit, si Seok ang nagawa. He was thankful for that matter, he found a wall to lean on. He at least had someone who cares for him after everything that happened. Despite being thankful, naisip niya rin nhe was stealing Seokmin from Hoshi. Kahit hindi niya inuutusan si Seok na gawin lahat yon, nagui-guilty padin siya. What if..?