Love is enough- Les Mis fanfic/Enjolras

Chapter 25

"You're good-for-nothing!"

"Nobody wants you"

"Worthless whore"

I clenched my jaw tightly and placed my hands tightly over my ears, trying to block out the evil words. They got louder and louder however and I shook my head as the Thenardiers, and Grantaire rose above me, letting me cower in the corner with no escape. They formed a barricade, making the space tighter. I tried to breathe deeply however the oxygen was starting to go, and the air felt like it was being sucked away by a vacuum.

"No!" I repeatedly begged. "Please! Enjolras?!"

I woke up with my hair over my face and in a sweat. I shook with despair, clinging onto the sheets to calm myself down. The world was spinning and it felt like I was under water, fumbling around for air. I had to escape, before Enjolras saw what was happening to me. I looked over where he looked peaceful, his face pressed against the pillow. Thankfully, I had not awoken him.

I ran out of the room on my tiptoes, carrying a candle that I had lit in the hurry to conceal the darkness that surrounded me. My shaking form almost extinguished the single flame as I ran to the living room window. I had to open it. I had to breathe.

Struggling, I dragged open the heavy window and the still nighttime air hit my warm face. It didn't calm me like usual though and I carefully lifted my leg over the open window until both legs were dangling above the Parisian streets.

I closed my eyes, desperate to relax. I had failed myself. I was doing so well, showing that I could control myself. I couldn't tell anyone about this. They would judge me. They would see me weak and no matter what happened, I was not weak.

All it took was one jump. One jump and my suffering was over. I wouldn't have to deal with losing the love of my life and my best friends. I wouldn't have to deal with my nightmares. I wouldn't have to deal with being lonely once again. Enjolras could find anyone, it wasn't hard for him.

I was tired. Exhausted. I couldn't physically deal with another distrupted night. I needed to sleep and let go of everything. And there was only one way to do that.

I forcefully wiped my eyes and tried to pluck some courage.

"Stop" I heard a familiar voice say comfortingly yet sternly behind me as I stood up, with one leg hovering out of the window.

"Please Enjolras" I said quietly, unable to produce a louder sound. I didn't even know what I was asking him for.

"Don't do this to me" he said, sounding broken. That sound alone made me turn around to where he was standing, his jaw wobbling. Looking into my eyes, I had lost the courage I had gained and I let him run over and carry me away from the window. My limp body couldn't find the energy to fight against it so I collapsed into him.

"I'm sorry" I kept whispering against his bare chest.

He took me back into his bedroom and placed me gently on the bed as he light some candles so we could see properly. It was probably the middle of the night, yet he still made sure that I would tell him what happened.

My paled face was placid, staring at the wall and not focusing on his lingering eyes as he sank next to me. He sat with his back straight and firmly took my hands. I couldn't stare into his eyes because I would break down. I would end up telling him the one thing I wanted to keep private. And then he'd leave me.

"Don't do this to me" his voice cracked and I forced myself to tear my gaze away and look at him. He looked rough, like he had been running his hands through his hair and rubbing his eyes.

I couldn't bring myself to answer. I knew exactly what I was doing.

"I'm sorry" I said again.

"Stop. Just stop. I need to know absolutely everything and you're going to tell me." He said and I shook my head sadly.

"I can't do that" I said closing my eyes.

"Why?! Tell me why you can't!" He almost shouted, making me flinch at his sudden harshness.

"Because you'll leave" I said simply, as if it was easy enough to guess.

I notice his expression shift in an instant. I couldn't explain how he looked but it was as if he had regretted everything up to that moment.

"If you think I'll leave you, you are wrong. So wrong" he said quietly yet quite convincingly.

"Why? You could have anyone yet you choose the broken, used and worthless one. The one that can't even go a night without breaking down. The one who was suicidal at 14. Who almost died. The one who nobody wants" I said, gradually getting louder.

I couldn't even finish what I was meant to say as he kissed me suddenly. I wasn't feeling in the mood but his lips were attacking mine, like it was the last time he was going to kiss me.

"I love you. With every fibre of my body. I can't express how sorry I am that you had to go through that alone. But I'm here now, and I don't care about anyone else but you. If you are suffering, I'm not going to stand there and watch you if that what you think. You are not broken, you are the strongest little soldier I know. You've been given the hard path but you have been the brave girl you always are. And worthless? You are beautiful, inspiring, strong, annoying. Everyone who is lucky enough to meet you, can't help loving you. And I can't help falling in love with you. Please don't shut me out. I can find out another way but I don't want to do that. I want you to trust me, to rely on me to help you. And I can't do that if you don't tell me. I don't care what is happening to you, but you are so so wrong if you think I will leave you." He said. The silent room deafened me.

"I have nightmares. Every night for as long as I can remember. They are always the same. Cosette leaves the inn and they turn and grow, shrinking me into the corner until I can't escape. And they say things too... it got so bad that when I was about 14, I tried so hard to get rid of them. So hard. But it wouldn't work. And then one time I fell unconscious. I overdosed and Marius saved my life. That's why I was talking to him yesterday." I said. Once I started speaking, everything poured out without me thinking about what I was saying.

"How can I stop them? How?!" I said loudly, anger laced in my voice. I pathetically flopped down and stared at the ceiling, the white walls hurting my eyes.

"You will stop them. I will make sure of it."

"You have enough to deal with Enjolras" I muttered under my breath.

"You are my priority" he said as if it was the most obvious thing in the world.

"You have to lead the revolution, make sure you are safe out there, plan rallies, sort out the funeral. I can't expect you to-"

"Right, you're going to follow me and I'm going to make you a drink of tea. You're going to calm down and going to sit with me and tell me whatever you want and how I can help in any way at all" he said, helping me up off the bed and leading me into the kitchen. He seemed to have woken up a bit now and I was no longer tired. I was too worked up to go to sleep now. Seeing Enjolras bustling around the kitchen, lighting a fire and boiling the water made my heart swell. What did I do to deserve him? Yet he was going to be ripped away from me as soon as I found happiness with him.

Why did it have to be this way?