A Walk In The Park

30 - The Struggle

That ended up being the longest workout ever. I had quite a few emotions to get out of my system, so I took advantage of the situation. Plus, I was buying time, still putting off talking to Calum.

It kind of sucks that I had to find out the way I did that Calum does indeed have romantic feelings for me. Or lust, curiosity, or whatever the fuck it is. I mean, there was that kiss, but I didn't know what to think of it at the time. It certainly felt sincere, but the way he acted afterwards made me question it. I guess I'm just a bit of a romantic, and it would've been nice if Calum had told me about his feelings himself. Either way, I'm just thankful that I know now. There will be plenty of time for romantic moments later, if I can gather the courage to pick up the phone and do something about it.

I do pick up my phone and stare at it for the longest time, debating whether to call versus text. Texting would be much safer, but it's so impersonal and difficult to get your true feelings across. But if I call, what in the world would I even say? This is one of those "the struggle is real" moments for sure.

In the end, I decide to text. That way, if he doesn't want to talk to me, then he can simply ignore it. But I still have no idea what to say. I type out a few words and delete them over and over because nothing sounds right. Finally, I simply type, "If you want to talk about it, I'm here to listen." My heart is pounding and I'm shaking as I press the send button. Please let him answer.

He doesn't. I'm obsessively checking my phone every few minutes the rest of the day. I feel so disheartened.

I try to keep myself busy by packing up things I won't be using between now and when I move. I never have told Calum that I'd be leaving because I was never positive that I would be until now. I officially have no reason to stay. My parents have told me that there's someone interested in renting the townhouse, so I have almost a month before I have to move, no matter the case.

My plan is still to move back in with my parents temporarily, until I get a job. It's just the smart thing to do so that I don't have to use my savings. Working full time at The Disney Store simply isn't an option. Not only would I not make enough money to live on my own and pay rent anywhere decent around here, but I can't imagine having to be there five or more days a week. I'd rather live in a box. So, once again, I'll be taking advantage of my parents' kindness. They don't see it that way, but I'm just so ready to move on with my life and be totally independent. The sooner that happens, the better.

I have two job interviews scheduled for the first of next week and I'm dying to get them over with. One is something that would be a good starting point in my career path. It's close to where my parents live, so that would be convenient. The other is my dream job. I don't have much hope that I'll get it, but I'm going to try my best to impress them during the phone interview. It's actually a work from home deal, which would be the best thing ever. And if Calum and I work out, it would be perfect because I could live wherever I wanted without worrying about commuting to see him all the time. But right now that looks like it's not even going to be an option, so I need to get my head out of my ass and get to packing.
.......

I'm a little sore when I get out of bed the next morning. Shit, I mean afternoon. I'd intended to fill up three or four boxes, but I ended up packing into the wee hours of the morning to keep my mind busy. All that bending, reaching, squatting, and lifting - on top of the two hour workout yesterday - has me in pain. It's 12:15 and I cant believe Harley has let me sleep this late. But as soon as he notices I'm awake, he's ready to go.

Since I missed breakfast, I throw a frozen pizza in the oven for lunch. I don't have much of an appetite and end up giving a lot of it to Harley. I really shouldn't, but I owe him. He's been such a good boy these past couple of days, making sure to cheer me up when he senses that I'm getting sad. I promise him a long walk in the park tonight. Hopefully, my legs will feel better by then.

I clean up after myself, then start up the stairs to brush my teeth and shower. Right now I'm in a ratty pair of sweatpants and a Twenty One Pilots t-shirt that's seen better days.

Before I reach the top of the stairs, there's a knock on the door. I freeze, and Harley runs back down. I'm not expecting a visitor, so it can only be Calum. He's the only person who ever knocks on my door.

I glance down at myself and wish I had time to change, or at least do something about this stench exuding from my mouth. Shit. Why now?

I take my time descending the stairs, breathing deeply and slowly. "You can do this. You like him; he likes you. There's nothing to be nervous about," I coach myself, but it doesn't really help.

I look through the peephole, and my heart jumps up into my throat when I confirm it's who I thought it was. I'm so anxious I could puke.

I open the door and I have to force my eyes to meet his, because everything in me is telling me to run. I don't know why, other than I don't want Calum to see me cry, because that's what's about to happen. So I put up an invisible shield and brace for the worst, just in case.

"Hi, MJ."

I try to smile, but my lips start to tremble. I can see lots of sorrow and regret in his face when he greets me. Whether it's because of his actions the other day, or because he's getting ready to tell me that he never wants to see me again, I don't know. But I guess I'm about to find out.