A Walk In The Park

19 - Is It Me?

On the very short walk, I remember that my time with Calum is probably coming to an end soon. My parents expect me to move back in with them until I get a job and am financially stable to live on my own. Well, they expect it, but it's not like I have to. It's just always been the plan, and I'd never thought about it otherwise, until recently. Calum has been the best friend I've ever had. Maybe he wouldn't be so bothered by me moving away. But I don't want to lose contact with him. And, inevitably, that's what will happen.

Anyway, I have to stop over-thinking before I start getting depressed. It's not like I'm moving hours away or anything. It'll be okay. It has to be.

We spread the food out on the table and dig in. We silently stuff our faces for the longest time, pretty much the whole meal. Basically the only thing we talk about is how I haven't gone out with Calum and his friends again. I blame it on school, which is an honest excuse. He says that they've all been asking about me, especially Megan, of course.

"I told her," he says, finishing off his eggroll and wiping his lips with his napkin. God, they look so smooth and smooshy and I just wanna bite them.

"Told her what?"

"That you're not into girls."

Oh, that. I've gotten so used to being open with Calum now that I haven't given much thought to his friends not knowing. I chuckle and ask, "How'd she take it?"

"She said something like, 'Oh, thank God. I thought I'd lost my touch.'" 

His imitation of Megan's dramatic voice cracks me up. "Well, if it makes her feel any better, I was flattered. It's not like I've had many people, of any gender, pay much attention to me in that manner."

Calum is quiet for a moment and stares at me while I take the last few bites of my chicken.

"What?" I ask with a mouthful of food, feeling paranoid.

"Nothing. I was just wondering if you were also flattered that Ashton didn't shut up about you for days, until I asked him to."

"Um, wut? What do you mean?"

"I mean just what I said: Ashton was a little smitten with you. What, you couldn't tell?"

He can't be serious. I don't even know what to think about this information.

"Well... no. I had no idea he was remotely attracted to me. I just assumed he was hetero, I guess. I've seen him here a couple times since then, and he's never said anything. He's hardly spoken to me, actually."

"Well, he doesn't discriminate. Men, women, he's not picky in that sense. And he's hardly spoken to you because I told him I'd kick his ass if he tried anything with you."

I laugh at the idea of Ashton - gorgeous, perfect Ashton - wanting anything at all to do with me. I also laugh at Calum for threatening him. "Why, though?"

Calum shrugs his shoulders. "I don't know. I was kind of joking around, but not really. I told him you were too good for him. I love Ashton and all. He's a good friend. But because he travels so much, he's more of a hit and run type of guy. You don't need to get involved with someone like that. You deserve better."

I mean, I'm so into Calum that I can hardly see straight (pun not intended), but I wouldn't exactly tell Ashton to take a hike.

"Well then, okay, I guess." Now I get to look forward to being awkward around Ashton. I kind of wish Calum hadn't told me. My face is on fire and I know Calum notices.

"It's really none of my business, so maybe I shouldn't have said that to him. But I feel a little, I don't know... protective of you for some reason, MJ. That's the best I can describe it."

"No worries. I guess I should thank you for looking out for me." I'm so flushed now that I've started to sweat. Can we just end this conversation, please?

Calum leans back in his chair and puts his hands behind his head. There he goes looking at me with squinty eyes again. He gives me a half serious, half amused look. I find my eyes drawn to his armpits, biceps, elbows, everything. There's literally not a single part of his body that doesn't turn me on. A fucking armpit is making me hard. And that makes me look down at the center of Calum's widely spread legs. It's as though he's saying, "Come and get it." Except, he's not. Jesus. I need Jesus.

"What now? Good grief. Stop," I say with an embarrassed laugh. I know he saw me looking at his crotch.

Calum slowly leans toward me and rests his elbows on his knees, clasping his hands together, nearly touching me. He looks me directly in the eyes and asks, "Is it me?"

"Is what you?" I'm not positive what he's asking, but I have a feeling that whatever it is, it's going to send me over the edge in just a second. I take a long gulp of water because my mouth is comparable to the Sahara Desert right now.

He bites his lower lip and the corners of his mouth curl up into a grin before he asks, "Am I the '100% straight' man that you have a thing for?"

I choke on my water. Like, legitimately choke and can't breathe. I stand up and bend over and Calum pats my back.

"Jesus, MJ. Are you okay?"

I nod, still bent over, barely able to take in a deep enough breath to cough and clear my airway. As if I wasn't already embarrassed enough.

I finally recover and sit down, taking several drinks of water between coughs. Calum is chuckling and I'm trying not to laugh so that I don't choke again. I know I'm busted, so I may as well come clean. Here goes nothing.

"You've known all along, haven't you?"

"No, not really. But I caught on. I put two and two together. Why have you never told me?"

The serious look on his face has changed the tone of the conversation. He doesn't seem repulsed, as I was afraid he'd be. He seems concerned. But maybe that's because I just almost died in front of him.

I'm shaking a little on the inside, but it's actually not as hard to talk about this as I thought it would be. "I knew nothing would ever come of it, so what was the point? Just like me not telling you right away that I'm gay. I was afraid you'd feel weird about being my friend. If you knew I had feelings for you..." FUCK. There I go again, saying too much. Being attracted to someone is one thing; having feelings for them is another. "Anyway," I say, rolling my eyes at myself, "I didn't tell you because I don't want you to be uncomfortable around me. I know I may cross the line sometimes, so I'll be more cognizant of that from now on. I'm sorry."

Calum shakes his head and looks down at the ground for a moment, then back at me. To my surprise, he takes one of my hands in his for a moment. It has an instant calming effect on me.

"No, you don't. You're just being you, and that's what I want you to be. MJ, don't you think if I had a problem with who you are that I'd have ended our friendship by now? I'm not uncomfortable at all. I'm still hanging out with you, usually alone, all the time, aren't I?"

I nod in agreement. God, I think I just fell a little deeper. I'm getting emotional, so I don't offer to speak right now.

Calum continues, "To be honest, - "

We're interrupted by a knock on the door and I notice Calum scoots back in his chair, putting some distance between us. Then he tells the intruder to come in. It's one of his clients, a gorgeous fit brunette, here for her 1:00 session.

Great timing, lady. We were having a perfectly good conversation. And now it's not likely to be finished. I need to know what he was getting ready to say. Maybe he's realized that he's attracted to me, too? Okay, not likely, but a boy can dream. It was probably more along the lines of, "I'm flattered, but sorry about your luck, kid." But now I'll never know because I'll be too chicken shit to ask him about it later. Why is this my life?