These Demons

Chapter Ten

I don't know how much time I spend wandering around, but I somehow end up not knowing where I am in the middle of nowhere in a rundown part of the city where addicts and homeless people live, and a mild depression comes through and brings a sense of loneliness along when I look at the shabby houses and decayed gardens, surrounded by nothing but garbage and street cats searching for food.
The roads are deserted and I feel so dizzy that I can barely walk, but there is no place for me to go or at least sit down. The need to call someone awakes in me because of how helpless I am here in my mentally and physically fragile state, so I pull out my phone, but hesitate when I look at my by far too many contacts.

I can't let my band worry about me right now and I don't know anyone else I trust enough with this to tell them. Except... I know it's a horrible idea, but at least she'll be there for me.
Convincing me this is the right thing to do because I don't have any other options, I wait for her to pick up.

"Andy?" My heartbeat goes faster when I hear Zoe's voice, but the fear lacing it makes me feel uncertain.
"I..." What can I tell her?
"Are you alright?"
Am I?
"I don't think so," I quietly respond to her and shake my head when I realize how dumb I sound. "You know what, it was stupid to call you anyways. I'll just..."
"Why did you call me after throwing me out like that the last time?" Zoe asks, but she doesn't sound angry or like she accuses me of anything.
She never seems to blame me, and even though that's relieving, I don't know if it's a good thing.
"I didn't know who else to call," I bluntly admit, making her chuckle on the other end of the line.
The sound of that shouldn't make me happy, but it does.
"I'll take that as a compliment," she lets me know. "Are you at home? Are you safe?"
"From what?" I frown and can already feel the anger boiling in my veins because of this stupid question.
The warm feeling in my chest that came up at some point begins to fade quickly.
Is she now judging me too?
"Your health is at risk, Andy," Zoe believes she's supposed to inform me, and I regret calling her.
"I guess I'll just hang..." I begin, but she interrupts me.
"You're not home, are you?"
How does she know? "No," I confess and the dizziness worsens, but I'm standing with trembling feet. "Are you alone or is someone with you?"

"Why?" I want to know and want to end the conversation, but can't get myself to.
"Because you're not safe alone." I refuse to respond to that crap, but she continues anyway. "You know what? I got a day off, I'll get you. Text me where you are."
"What if I don't?" I ask even though I'm not entirely sure why.
"There is a reason why you called after all. Don't fool yourself. You're not that stupid. You don't want to be alone and that's okay."

I hate her for the compassion and a part of me wants to refuse to listen to anything coming out of her mouth and just throw a temper tantrum instead, but the other part of me is so exhausted that it doesn't really care anymore.
Combined with my depressed mood that makes it feel like I'm carrying a huge invisible weight on my shoulders pulling me down, I don't have enough energy to pick any fights, and not enough space in my heart for other emotions than this special form of emptiness I've been feeling lately- this strange combination of sadness, hopelessness, pain and simple numbness that makes it impossible to care.

So I just agree, shrugging at my own stupidity.
I have absolutely no clue what I'm getting myself into yet again, but I probably shouldn't do it.
Not that I care, though.
I just want to get away from whatever this place is and find my car and then my bed.

The fantastic 21st century gives me the opportunity to let Google Maps locate me, so I do that and send Zoe the screenshot.
When I sit down on the cold curb, I drift away into a strange form of daydreaming that actually makes me feel like I'm no longer here and somewhere far away from everything, and I don't snap out of it until Zoe approaches me.

Heavily blinking, I wonder what on earth just happened and stare at her in disbelief.
"You look awful," she informs me. "Thank you very much," I somehow manage to sarcastically reply and in my ears, my voice sounds like it's no longer coming from my own body.
"Sorry. Get into the car before I change my mind and let you run around like a scallywag."

When I stand up, I notice that my feet are numb and lose my balance, but before I can fall, Zoe roughly grabs my arm. "Sure you can walk?" She gives me a very doubtful look and I narrow my eyes at her. "Of course I can. I'm a fucking adult."

"Sure you are." She rolls her eyes and drags me to the vehicle.
Black and white spots dance in front of me, but I don't mention it.
It would only confirm her doubts and worries.
Besides, I'm sure it's nothing.
My body just thinks it can trick me into eating by making my limbs feel like jelly, but that won't work because I've been staying strong for so long now.
Despite my arms and legs being more miserable than they've ever been, my mind is broad awake and it's almost like the starvation brought me a clarity and purity I never had.
The emptiness inside my heart hurts like a gaping wound, but somehow the one in my stomach is like a drug that causes a constant high, making it possible for me to keep going no matter how tired and weak I may feel.
A strange yet fascinating phenomenon.

While we drive through the streets of L.A. that all look the exact same to me which I think makes it relatable that I got lost, I keep drifting away in a way that barely keeps me awake, but it's not that I'm close to sleeping, but more like I'm close to passing out.
When you fall asleep, you're tired and groggy, but I have a head that spins like crazy and just wants to shut down so bad that blackness constantly comes over me and knocks me out for a split second before I snap out again and remind my eyes to stay open.
The last thing I need right now is a Zoe that drives crazy because I pass out and look like someone in a coma.

My conscience tries to break through by reminding me what a horrible sign it must be that I feel like this and that I should tell someone and accept that there has to be something wrong with my health, but I sure as hell won't listen.
If I keep going, I'll not just feel, but really see my bones soon when I look into the mirror.
This success is all I need and nothing else matters. I just have to have the perfect body again and everything else will be perfect too. It's the ultimate solution, even though nobody gets that.

"Andy, I asked you a question!" Zoe suddenly shouts.
"What?"
"I think this is the fucking tenth time I'm asking you. What is going on with you?"
That's a good question, but I shrug, ignore it and shut up for the rest of the ride, floating away inside like a heroin addict after his fix.

**First of all, thanks for the votes, reads and comments. Keep those coming, they make me incredibly happy. Also, I always appreciate feedback and opinions. Oh, and I must excuse myself for not using an Andy picture, but it's Kurt's 50th today, so I had to. He'll always be one of my greatest inspirations.**