These Demons

Chapter Twenty-six

**I went to my favorite restaurant (an awesome vegan one) with my family today to have a late birthday meal and I totally relapsed after almost 260 hours without any purging... It was just too much for me to handle. But I'll try again tomorrow and not give up.**

The familiar sense of anxiety fills me when I sit in my Dodge again the next day and drive to the studio.
I have no idea how the others will react to my return after the unplanned absence, and I'm rather certain they're angry.
Furthermore, I don't know if my excuse is believable in the first place.

I swallow hard while getting out of the car, the accustomed sight of the studio only a few feet away from me, and I honestly consider leaving for a moment before I manage to pull my shit together and open the unlocked front door to step inside.

Slowly and slightly trembling once again which makes me want to slap myself in the face, I walk past the empty tiny kitchen where the coffee breaks are usually taken and head for the second recording room because I know it's Feldy's favorite due to its new equipment.

Voices are audible, slightly muffled through the non-soundproof door that leads to the area in front of the actual recording room.
Maybe I should have eaten at least another baby apple, I realize, because I feel close to passing out. My exhausted body can't seem to handle adrenaline very well anymore.

"Good morning," I quietly say and everyone in the room immediately shuts up and stares at me.
Damn it. They're all here, sitting on the large black leather couches that truly are a very common thing in this industry.

Jake stops typing on his laptop, Jinxx and John quit their conversation and Ash and CC put their snacks down that are actually prohibited in here.
The rest of the studio staff such as the sound engineer aren't present because it's Saturday, but that definitely doesn't make things any easier for me.

"You're back!" CC points out the obvious and all jaws drop.
"Finally!" He jumps from his spot and hugs me and I let him, but I flinch.
Ashley does the same thing without the enthusiasm and pats my back mumbling: "Glad to have you back here." He doesn't look glad, though.
Jake looks a little uncertain and frowns, and Jinxx crosses his arms. "What on earth was going on with you?" he demands to know.
Here we go.

Feldy steps up to my side like my moral support and puts a hand on my shoulder as if he were here to protect me while I begin to speak.
I quietly lay out my prepared excuse about needing this time for myself without anyone around me laced with one too many apologies, but not everyone seems to believe me.
"Why didn't you just send a text message?" Jake wants to know, obviously annoyed, which is relatable.

"It was a spontaneous decision," I half lie, and Jinxx, who's always the reasonable one here, shakes his head.
"That's such bullshit. This is your band. You can't just leave without a word when the rock star life gets too much for you."

"What he's trying to say," Ash intervenes and tries to be nicer than his band mate, "is that we just need some sort of notice when you go somewhere. It's just what you're supposed to do."
"We're all best friends," Jake adds, "and working together. We have to be a team, you know?"
I just uncomfortably nod at everything and wait for it to be over. Even if I wanted to, I couldn't disagree because they're right with everything.

"We all know you're going through a rough time," CC says and his voice is laced with so much compassion that it makes me cringe internally even though he's just being kind.
"But we have work to do anyways," Jake finishes his statement.

They all make me feel worse with every second.

"It's awful for us too when you just leave us alone to handle everything on our own so you can take your time off," Ashley points out. "Because none of us get these time outs."

Jinxx opens his mouth again to probably tell me more things to make me feel more guilty, but John stops him before he has the chance to do so.

"We can't change what happened, can we, guys? Andy, I'm sure you learned something from it and won't do it again, so let's get back to the real topic here and not pick fights."
"We weren't-"
"Our bucket list for today is long, so let's not waste any time. Andy, you're okay?"
I nod feeling numb and dead inside with all the sounds drifting away from me like they're somewhere in the distance and I'm all alone somewhere in my head, stuck at a place I can't even locate.

"Good. Let's forget about everything that happened the last few days, then, and return to what this is actually about. Your new record."
He looks at one after another to awaken the team spirit and make us all participate cheerily, but his plan fails. Everyone nods and mutters agreements, but nobody looks thrilled or at least pleased doing so.
They all seem to be really done with me and I can't blame them.

This will be a long day, I realize while I sit down and try my hardest to smile, but don't succeed.

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Misfits - Static Age