These Demons

Chapter Forty-one

Ignoring what happened in my dream and between me and Jake is hard, but denial has been working great lately and this time, I manage too.
I spend my Christmas home alone with the cats and completely ignoring the entire holiday as well, only texting everyone to wish them a great time and calling my parents to inform them I won't visit them for the first time ever since I moved to California.
I don't text Zoe, though, and spend the days with Netflix, lettuce, yogurt, carrots, cigarettes and a lot of sleep because I'm so depressed, cold and tired, and my weight even goes down a bit, but it's been a very slow process for weeks despite my diet getting even stricter, and that's infuriating, but if I quit eating completely for longer than twenty-four hours, my weak body begins suffering from a larger number of blackouts, and I really don't need that.

The day after Christmas morning, I unfortunately can't change anything about the fact that it's my birthday, and considering the thousands of tweets, posts, texts and other kinds of messages I receive, the world is determined not to let me pretend this isn't happening.

I spend all day debating whether I should go to the party because I feel like I owe this to those who care about me, especially now that they've put so much effort into the organization, and they do matter to me after all. I can't really feel it anymore, but I know they do.
Besides, if I go, I might be able to convince the world that I'm fine and won't have to attend any further social gathering because I will have been to this one, and at least I know the location where it's happening because of the personal history I associate with it.

On the other hand, I have the huge problem that I'm depressed, don't want to go, don't want to see people or make them see me and definitely don't want to have to pretend to be happy. And who knows what might happen?
What if something goes wrong?
What if I make a mistake?
I can't risk that, but I can't decline again either and could use this chance to prove I'm okay.

My inner indecisiveness drives me to a point where I can't even stand still anymore and pace around the house like a tiger who has lost his mind, and when the night approaches, I have to make a choice.

Since it doesn't matter anyway, I'm already screwed, it's my birthday and I might get something good out of it, I spontaneously choose to go to the party when the night approaches, so I put on another baggy shirt, jeans and several jackets and drive to the club where I can already see the party happening from outside.

Memories of spending so much time here flood back into my mind and take over my every thought, so I allow myself a moment to dive into reminiscence before breathing deeply, trying to regain all of my senses and ignoring my racing heart and light head to enter the location.

The first weird thing is getting past the bouncer because he wants to know if I'm on the guest list, but when I make it clear who I am, he steps back and lets me get inside where I have struggles to orient myself at first.

One of my favorite Black Flag songs is blasting from the speakers, the place is crammed with people I might or might not know and it's so hot that I'm glad I left all but one jacket in my car.
Only spotlights on the dance floor light up the dark of the mass, but the bar in the back is decorated with many LED spots and makes it easy to get there- at least compared to the rest of this mess.
Not having been to a club in a while, I feel lost and uncomfortable and wish I had never come, but it's too late to turn back now, so I force myself through to the bar to get a diet coke.
The bartender looks confused by my choice of drink, but doesn't dare to question it, so I sit down and wonder what the hell I'll do next.

This is my party, so I should do something, shouldn't I?
The last few months have turned me into an anxious and awkward walking chaos that feels completely misplaced in social situations, so while I still wonder what to do, I don't even notice someone coming up to me until my shoulder is being touched and I almost fall from the barstool.
"Oh my god, I knew it was you! You're here!" Rick shouts to drown out the music. I knew he'd be here because he's one of our sound engineers and always present at parties, but he took me by surprise anyway.