These Demons

Chapter Thirty-five

Coming home feels like the entire world is crushing down on me, tearing me apart limb my limb only to rebuild me and start all over again.
My apartment is as messy as usual, but I can't clean up now and in fact, I don't feel like I can do anything anymore.
The hole in my chest makes me weak, fragile and pathetic, but I can't help but feel like this and I know there's no way out of it.
At least not tonight.
After I've turned off my phone to make sure mankind will leave me alone, I grab Crow, my pack of Marlboros and head for my porch because it's the only place of solitude I have in this life.

Comforting darkness, calming silence and air so cold not even a blanket I wrap around me can keep me from trembling like an old man with a bad case of Parkinson, I sit down all alone once more with nothing but my loyal, stupid cat that curls into a ball of purring fur in my lap and tilts its head away from the smoke coming from the cigarettes I smoke in disgust.
Once again, I'm left with nothing, and once again, I have to pull through on my own.

I try to take my mind off of what happened, but it's all I can think about. Why did we fight? Why do we always fight? And why always about this? And why is there this part of me that believes her every word?
I can't wrap my head around it, but I can't let it rest either, so I rack my brain and come up with nothing but sadness filling my mind. This shouldn't even bother me this much, should it?
We only fucked once and I had a thing for her; that's it, but my emotions are all over the top telling me otherwise. 

What is it about this girl? What makes her so compelling? She's just some girl, so why am I so attracted by everything she does?
Why do I feel like I'm losing the ground under my feet when we lock eyes and why could I spend all day admiring her beauty when my life as a musician causes me to constantly meet pretty girls?
I could have anyone at any time. There are more female fans of mine in love and willing to sleep with me than I'd be able to count, so why is Zoe the one that continues to cross my thoughts? I can't be falling for her, I just can't.
This must be a stupid crush I'm having because I'm failing at everything and desperately trying to get the affection of someone or some other sentimental nonsense. I'm pathetic and that's all.

Trying my hardest to convince myself, I spend the rest of the night on my couch with emptiness hanging like a cloud over my head so heavily that it's robbing me of the ability to even move my muscles, the unfounded sorrow weighing me down like stones and making me wish I could just disappear right here and right now without a word and never return.
I'm so sick and tired of everything and just want it to end, but it won't and I know I'll have to get up in a few hours and everything will start all over again like an endless nightmare nobody can wake me up from.

----

"You can't be serious," Jake says, the shock on his face clear enough for a blind man to see.
"That's way too soon!" Jinxx supports him and looks like he's almost freaking out, his eyes widened and his hands trembling almost as bad as mine.
"I wish we weren't," the man whose name I could never remember concedes, "but there is no other way."
The entire band is sitting at one of those stereotypical long glass tables inside of a lifeless plain office that's only additionally furnished with the expensive leather chairs we're sitting on, a few pricey-looking shelves with folders and documents in the back and a bunch of vinyls, album covers, tour posters and awards on the wooden wall.
I've been feeling highly uncomfortable during the entire time and caused the band and our manager Blasko and tour manager Jon to constantly ask me annoying questions about whether I'm alright because I barely speak, but I shake them off and don't care too much about their worries.

The responsible representatives from Lava Records, Universal's stand-alone affiliate Republic Records' subsidiary label, have never been pleasant people to deal with, but as far as I'm concerned, agents from music labels rarely are and are only being portrayed as your best friends towards the fans of the licensed musicians. 
We have worked out profitable contracts with them which is why all of our records except our very first one have been published under their name, but apparently, they now believe we've been taking far too long for the production process and they want us to be done much faster than originally planned.
I'm not nearly as agitated as the others because I'm way too depressed and overtired to throw one of my tantrums, but I can't say I'm happy that I will have to go out into the world even sooner than I thought I'd have to.