These Demons

Chapter Twenty-four

Once the conversation between Kellin and me has ended which only heated up because of me, we don't really talk for the rest of the afternoon and when the lights are off in our room, I don't want our last night to end with a fight I caused.

"I'm sorry," I quietly say and turn around in my bed to at least pretend we're facing each other despite it being pitch black in here.
"It's fine, dude," Kellin just mumbles sleepily.
"I'll miss you," I continue and he mutters ununderstandable agreements. "I'll call you," he then adds softly, "Just write your number down on a note before you leave tomorrow..."
The last few words turn into a heavy yawn.
"Cool," I say. "I'm glad we'll stay in touch. Oh, and Kellin?"
But he's fallen asleep already.

----

Words can't express how glad I am to get out of this place without having put on another gram, but what surprises me is that I actually feel a light sense of sadness when I say goodbye to the others.
Doctor Warner didn't help me with anything since I didn't need any help, but he was nice and understanding, so I decide to thank both him and the nurses from my commitment, Chad and Tommy.
They're compassionate, good at their jobs and are there for their patients after all.
I'm still not entirely sure why Steven is here, but I liked hanging around with him, so he gets a few words from me too.

The hardest farewell is the one I saved to be the last one: Kellin.
Hugging people is something I've grown to deeply despise, but for him, I do it.
"Promise we'll stay in touch," I tell him with my chin on his shoulder. "You got my number."
Kellin nods smiling. "And I promise I'll check out your band."
"Definitely," I agree.
We let go of each other and after a few seconds of awkward silence we spend at the front door being watched by the staff, he adds:
"I wish you could stay until I leave too."

With a small laugh, I point to the outfit I'm wearing: "Three days in these clothes were gross enough, don't you think?"
That almost makes him laugh too.
"Yeah, right. I'll still miss you, though."
"Surprisingly, I think I'll miss you too," I joke while making sure once more I really have all of my valuables.
Kellin opens his mouth to say something, but is being cut off by Chad. "Andy, I think your cab is here."
That snaps us both out of our sentimental talking and I quickly nod and head for the door.
"Thank you," I tell the nurses and Kellin once again.
"And see you soon," I say to Kellin again before giving him another smile.
The door opens with its usual loud annoying electronic sound I fortunately won't have to hear again and I step through, looking around the ward one more time before leaving for good.
Being here didn't change anything about my mindset and opinions, but I found a new friend I greatly appreciate because of our honest, relaxed and supportive relationship, and I value the experience of meeting so many people who are even weirder than me.

What I also didn't expect is that I'm a little sad when I unlock my door and enter my apartment.
Crow immediately runs up to me and wants me to pick him up and even Femme comes to say hi, but besides them, the place is quiet and deserted and after three days I spent surrounded by people, it makes me feel lonely.

Uncertain what to do, I habitually pull a cigarette from my pack, grab my lighter and head for the glass door in my living room that leads to the patio with the cats following me closely.
"You missed me, didn't you?" I notice and reach for them once I'm sitting outside, but Femme immediately scratches my arm and hisses at me.
I roll my eyes at her typical attitude and pull my sweet Crow onto my lap instead who starts to suck on my shirt like a baby. He's always been a strange cat.
Smoking my cancer stick, I cuddle with my little boy and check my phone for the first time.
It's flooding with messages and notifications.

The fans fortunately don't seem to know anything because there is none of the usual drama happening in the BVB army, but all kinds of people I know personally have been trying to reach me, most of them angry, worried or both.
John seems to have kept his promise to tell everyone I'm taking a little time off, but since nobody knows why and where, that couldn't really calm anyone down.

What the fuck?
That's all the latest message from CC says.
I check the other texts from him and the rest of the band.
What the hell is going on?
Where are you?
What is wrong with you?
Come back
We have a hell load of stuff to do here
You can't just leave
Why didn't you say anything?
Pick up your fucking phone
Can't you at least talk to us?
Are you sick?
Why won't you talk to us?
Are you quitting BVB?
Why now?
You could at least respond ONCE
We're really fucking worried bro
What the fuck are you even doing?

I don't read the rest. They all essentially mean the same and make me feel terrible, but I didn't have a choice. I couldn't tell them and I won't be able to tell them now either.
What would I say?
Sorry, but it had to be made sure that I haven't lost my mind?
Not happening.
All the questions that would come up if I said anything, all the rumors and the worries... I can't and don't want to handle that, so I'll keep my mouth shut.

I needed time for myself before the stress with the new record starts.
A legit break from everything without any connections to the world, just me on my own without anybody joining me.
Where did I go? Another city.
Time to think and to relax, turn my head off for once and just sit back without caring about anything.
I should have said something, but I don't regret that I took this time out.
Is that a good excuse?
I hope so because I don't have another one.

With trembling fingers and a tremendous amount of fear, I send a group text to arrange a meeting at the studio tomorrow and it doesn't even take them a minute to overwhelm me with the same reactions I already received during my absence, but once again I ignore them all and hope I'll somehow be able to deal with all of this tomorrow.

But the biggest obstacle is yet to come: Zoe.
She knows I've been discharged, so I can't just ignore her. That will only cause another one of her surprise visits which I want to avoid at all costs.

Bracing myself for the storm, I slowly exhale the last bit of smoke in my body and dial her number, a part of me hoping she won't pick up- but she does.

----

KISS - Spit