These Demons

Chapter Twenty

When Kellin and I come back, one of the counselors is waiting to pick me up. I have the right to refuse, but choose to play along because of Kellin's advice.

"So, Mr. Biersack," the doctor begins once we've reached his office in the back of the ward. His name tag reads Psy.D. Warner.
"You've been with us for almost 24 hours. How are you?" He is probably in his forties, neatly shaved, wears a white shirt so clean that it could light up the dark and uses way too much hair gel.

"Good, I guess," I vaguely respond while fumbling around with my hands. "This leather chair is by far the most comfortable piece of furniture I've sat on so far."
Doctor Warner gives me a small smile. "You seem to be doing well. I heard you've been eating as well, though only one slice of bread for each meal. How is that going for you?"

"It's difficult." The ultimate understatement.
"I can imagine." You have no idea.
"Did you eat at all before you came here?"
"Um..." Should I tell him? "A little bit."
"But no carbs." I truthfully shake my head, not counting the binges I threw up.

"So this is a great step forward for you." I very highly doubt that. "Definitely."

"How did it come to that?" God, I wish Kellin had told me this guy would ask such detailed questions so I could have prepared some convincing lies.

"I realized that I need to change something about my life," I improvise.
"How?"
Oh god.

"Well, when you're involuntarily committed, you realize there has to be something wrong with you."
But Warner isn't that stupid. "You talked very differently when you came only yesterday."

Looking at my file, he reads out loud: "Patient repeatedly stated not to be crazy and tensed to a state of intense aggression and mania."
His brown eyes find mine. "How do you explain that?"

"I felt attacked," I admit. "So I lashed out." The only thing I don't tell is that I was right about it.
"I see," Warner nods and places the closed file on the small table between the two of us.
"But you've changed your mind and are willing to accept your help, aren't you?"

"Of course!" I eagerly confirm like a stupid schoolboy. Hopefully, I'm believable.
"So you will agree with our suggestions we make to begin your recovery while you're here?"

It's only two days left, I assure myself in my head, so I agree with the psychologist.
It's all nothing but a masquerade, but the mask I'm wearing is authentic enough to fool those around me into believing it's the real me.

"That's all for now, Mr. Biersack."

-----

"I thought he would do a whole counseling session with me, you know? The way I thought they do it. A full hour, or at least half of one.
But I left after less than five minutes," I inform Kellin after lunch, nervously chewing on my bottom lip with a cigarette between two fingers.
The sky is gray now and it's starting to get chilly, but I'm always cold anyways, regardless of the temperatures.

"And why does that upset you so much?" he asks, sitting completely relaxed on the cold cement while I pace like a lion in a cage.
A different nurse is with us, but he doesn't give a damn about what we talk about either and snapchats in the back of the roof area.
Additionally, science magazine guy tagged along this time, but he doesn't appear to be too interested in my dramatic behavior.

"Isn't it a bad sign?" I worry. "I mean, what if he doubts what I said? What if he thinks I might be lying?"
But Kellin just shakes it off. "You need to chill, man. I'm sure you were convincing. Just keep it down and pretend. You'll be good."
His words calm me down slightly, but not enough.
When I keep walking back and forth, science mag guy suddenly orders: "Get your ass over here and sit down. You're making me nervous."

Sighing, I follow his command and sit down next to the two of them. The freezing cold stone underneath me causes me to shiver.
"You should be glad you'll be gone soon instead of fretting like this," he tells me.
"Why are you even here?" I ask him and Kellin chuckles.
"Steven doesn't really talk about that either." Right. That was the science guy's name.

"Let's just say that medics are not too impressed when you throw glasses at them because you're high as a kite and don't even know on what drugs," Steven informs me and the way he says it without displaying any emotions makes his words even more shocking.

"You... what?" I exclaim wide-eyed and when Kellin and Steven witness my reaction, they burst out laughing. "See?" Kellin says to his friend. "Told you he wouldn't get it."
"Get what?" I want to know deeply confused, but Kellin waves his hand in a way that makes it clear it's not worth talking about.
"So, Andy," Kellin begins, "Tell us something about yourself."
"I already said I don't want-"
"I don't mean the sick stuff," he interrupts me. "More like... your life."
When I just glare at him, he continues: "Okay, let's start with an easy question. How do you pay your bills?"
"I'm a musician," I mumble as I feel guilt rising inside of me again because I didn't even have the guts to tell my best friends and band mates where I am. And because I let them down.
"Really?" Kellin and Steven both look surprised. "Like, in a legit band?"
Chuckling, I nod. "A rock band, yeah."
"Well, it was quite obvious that it's not a One Direction cover band," Steven comments pointing to the tattoos on my neck and hands because I covered the rest of them up with several thick layers of clothing.
Kellin rolls his eyes at him and returns his attention to me. "Are you any good?"

"I... I guess," I stutter and notice how much different I react now when compared to the way I used to. I was always so proud and confident when talking about my band, and so certain about everything I was doing and how great it was, but now I'm embarrassed because I feel like I just constantly screw it all up.
My self-esteem truly has vanished, and that's another reason to lose weight.
I explain the band name and records to them and when I have finished, Kellin sighs audibly.
"Damn, I always wanted to have a band too," he confesses.
"Then why don't you have one?" I want to know stubbing out my cigarette on the ground next to me, the tips of my fingers numb because they've been blue for so long now.
"I gave it up when I married," Kellin sighs sadly and I frown. "But why?"
"It wouldn't have worked. Constantly being on the road when you have kids... Nah."
"How many kids do you have?" I want to know curiously. Now I'm glad that Juliet always said she wanted to wait longer to have children, but back when I was still madly in love with her and we had a seemingly happy relationship, I couldn't wait to have a family with her. Thank god that never happened.
"Three," Kellin says, startling me because that's a lot. "Two sons and a lovely little girl." The way his eyes sparkle when he says that makes me believe that there is still hope for him and that he can get better- not just for himself, but also for the love for his children. "They're everything to me," he whispers, almost choking on his words, and the old me would have hugged him now, but the new one stays where it is. A warning look from Steven tells me not to bring it up, but when I understand that, it's already too late to take the words back.

"And what about your wife and... her cheating?" As a response, Kellin buries his face in his hands.
He doesn't cry, but I can tell he wants to. "Everything is fucked between us," I can hear his muffled voice say. "It was perfect... and now it's falling apart," he sobs without tears and I shift uncomfortably because I don't know how to react to this emotional outburst.
If I only hadn't started this. When Steven decides to put an end to it, I'm beyond glad.
"Hey man, how about you talk about that to one of the shrinks later? You ain't gonna get anywhere here except deeper into the shit in your own head, alright?"

His friend slowly nods and I sigh in relief when the pair of bright eyes focus on mine again. "How about you? Do you have... a significant other?"
Zoe appears in front of my inner eye.
"No."