These Demons

Chapter Thirty-nine

**Side note: The lyrics in this chapter were written by me, but I'm definitely not a songwriter and they are therefore solely a combination of my and the character's thoughts within the context of the story and not a real song.**

With terrible headaches, bleeding gums and a racing heart, I lean my head against the cold tiles of my bathroom walls and take a moment to regain all of my senses and figure out what to do.
I know for sure that I can't stay at home because every corner of this house seems to present me all of my guilt and shame, but the last thing I want is to do is go out and see people, and as sick as I feel, I can't go for a run either, but there is one place that comes to my mind.

Positive that nobody will be there because literally everyone who could be is celebrating tonight, I grab my stuff, get back into my car and drive to the studio to have a familiar place without food or negative distractions all to myself where I can have privacy and might even get creative. Maybe.
West Hollywood isn't far from my home, but traffic is always terrible on early evenings on weekdays and the sky is already pitch black when I finally unlock the door and get inside keeping my coat on because it always takes ages for this place to warm up.

The Damned playing from the speakers in the background to drown my thoughts out, I boot the programs and computers, turn on the lights and heaters and make some coffee to end my exhaustion and jittery feeling.
My plan for the night isn't exactly precise, but I'll probably hang out here, distract myself and at least try to turn some of my thoughts into new ideas for songs so I can pretend that I'm still an artist who puts effort into his work.

Not that it surprises me, when I sit down and my brain is a blank slate that's absolutely incapable of coming up with anything useful, I already know this will be a long night. Everything going through my head is either about Zoe, the record or all of my pathetic nonsense concerning my body image, remorse, hatred and doubts, and none of these things are useful for the kind of song I usually write.
But since I'm alone and with nothing to lose on my hands at a desk inside of a studio that practically forces me to do something revolving around music to not sit around like a total dork, I open one of the notebooks I left here as usual because I'm one of those people who still prefer to write on paper, and I start to scribble around without any plan or structure.

Time is irrelevant in this place, so I don't know how much of it fades, but when my eyelids begin to get heavier, I have something.
It's total nonsense I certainly will never show to anyone because it's nothing but a ridiculous expression of my whiny feelings, but I'll keep it- for myself.
Not to serve a purpose, but because it doesn't make a difference whether this page stays in my notebook or ends up in the trash.

Well, I guess we should have known just what would happen
Cause it was always doomed to fail
The moment I saw you
The first time our fingers touched
It was always too fragile to ever be real
Blurred was my view, vacant my eyes
Empty thoughts deadly like a loaded shotgun
You said you believed, but did you ever?
I was always too broken to ever be healed
They said they'd rip up my head
You said there'd be salvation
But this insanity was always there
Yet you chose not to see
An illusion of redemption
Dismantled clarity, my lies and deceit
No one else put up with it
The lonely nights with this hunger couldn't fade
With you I felt complete
Yet the hole in my soul couldn't be filled
A reflection, a mirror, a picture
I couldn't escape
They say perfection is a myth
But I'm still chasing after it
Just hoping that some day
I'll find something to make me feel
Like the spark behind your eyes did
Give me a reason to believe
Draw this venom from my veins
Can you kill the monster
Without killing me?
Like a fire blazing through this darkness
Take away everything I feel
But still I'm too broken to heal
And all my hope is an illusion
And all my scars I create
I'll disappear, vanish
No way to track me down
Through all of these masks
To only let this pool of blood on the floor prove
That before this ends
I was ever even real

Wishing I could call her, my eyes fall shut despite the caffeine in my system and I fall asleep at the desk.

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The Offspring - Self Esteem