These Demons

Chapter Fifty

As expected, everyone wants to know how the interview went, but it's easy to avoid that because we have a strict schedule to follow and I have to make sure the venue's manager receives our input list with our equipment and insurance because my crew isn't too reliable when it comes to that.

The afternoon passes by way too slowly and my body aches for ten additional hours of sleep, ten more sweaters and ten gallons of hot coffee, but because I can't get any of these things, I keep my paper cup with my single black coffee close to my frozen hands and focus on my tasks so I don't have to think about the constant cramps in my stomach and the relentless shaking that's getting difficult to hide, but the medication Jinxx got me contains so many painkillers tranquilizers that I not only have an alibi, but can also stay calm and even a bit dazed.

A pass out several times because the cold is disrupting the few functions my body has left, but I manage to conceal it because it doesn't happen for longer than maximal three or five seconds.

Driven by the pressure the others put on me, the fans relying on my abilities and the money involved in this, I force myself through everything while repeating I'm okay over and over in my head, but the mantra keeps getting torn apart by endless repetitions of Zoe's screams despite my knowledge of none of it having been real.

Resisting my need to just crash on the floor and never get up is a real challenge, but my overwhelming fear of failing and showing everyone the truth pushes me to my limits until I'm finally in my dressing room to pretend I'm warming up for our set, the supporting act's show audible in the background. 

It almost makes me want to cry that my biggest wish is to jump from a tall building at this very moment, but it's a habit of mine to keep it all inside and walk out into the world pretending it's alright instead, so I do what I always do and make up a story about how much better I'm feeling when the whole band meets behind the side of the stage while the fans already chant our names out there.

Despite my reassurances, I get the awful worried looks people must have perfectioned for me and they all handle me like a porcelain doll, but I zip my hooded jacket and let the thundering applause drown out my mind as I face the crowd and start the first song once the others have joined me with their instruments, but this time is different from New York.

That show was really hard for me, but this time seems impossible.
The cheering people seem to scream curses at me, the bright spotlights expose and humiliate me while making my view blurry and unclear, and all of this noise is suddenly crushing my brain. 

I somehow make it through the track and begin the next one, but I know this isn't right.

Something is wrong and it's breaking me, making every breath suffocating and every word from my mouth venomous, and while I keep going like everything is fine, panic starts to rise because I'm horrified by what might happen to me.

Never have I ever been in a situation like this one and I have absolutely no plan how to handle it, so all I can do is keep pushing myself to make it through, but my heart is pounding in my ears at a rate too fast for anyone to bear and I can barely feel my body, let alone move it. 

I blink repeatedly to clear my view and dig my nails into my flesh to be able to feel myself again, but nothing works.
The shows always filled me with adrenaline and joy and made me feel alive, but right now, I don't think I can survive this. The familiar cold sweat is running down my skin, my clothes are crushing me though they're only made of cotton, I can't decide whether I'm hot or cold and the dizziness has reached a level where it surprises me that I can still stand on my shaking feet.

I keep asking myself what's happening to me and what's wrong, every cell in my body screaming and panicking to its very core, but nothing changes anything and right in the middle of a chorus and thundering applause and lights everywhere around me, a split second passes by when I realize that the ground has started to come way too close, but before I can understand what's going on, it's too late and it all goes dark.

My ears can't hear anymore, my mouth doesn't taste and I don't know if my heart beats, but before I lose consciousness completely, Zoe's voice repeats the words in my head again, their agony and misery hurting more than dying ever could.
There is no fear anymore, no pain, no sound or thought, not even my worries. Just her words. All I have left.

I could have saved you.

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Ozzy Osbourne - Mama, I'm Coming Home