These Demons

Chapter Sixty-one

Going to dinner is a social activity here and people do it whilst gossiping in small groups, filling the dining room with loud chatter and laughter before the newer ones sit down quietly at their spots and the ones who've been here for a while behaving well grab plates and get their food themselves, visibly far less stressed and pressured than those with the prepared plates- those I belong to.

Determined not to throw a fit in front of hundreds that look like the most fucked up boarding school of all times in here, I fill my head with positive and calming thoughts I do not believe in in the slightest and remember some of the things I read in my folder earlier, things about the amounts I must eat, the time I have to do so, the ensure I will have to drink if I don't, the tube they will threaten to return to my throat, the stages in the program I will certainly never reach if any of these things happen.

I will have to eat, and that thought sickens me. I don't want the taste, the realization how much my body truly aches for food, how weak I am, how disgusting I will look whilst stuffing myself like a greedy pig, how my stomach will stretch and my weight will reach undefined high numbers.

I don't want to be reminded how human and fragile my body is, that it has needs and that giving in to them will make me that fragile and not superior, strong, disciplined or, to go further, it will make me far from anything that resembles perfection.

The control and the success will be gone with that first swallowed bite, and I know that and can do nothing about it.

From flashing eyes, I watch people pass by, plates filled with things I do no even want to touch, watch the ones nearby stare at me for a split second until they always realize I notice them staring and either drop their gaze or turn to the person they're accompanied by to pretend they're talking about something important when it's actually about me, something I am sure about although I can't hear it as long as it's this painfully loud.

Everyone at the tables around mine has noticed me by the time everyone has found their chair, and conversations come to a sudden halt, terrifying me for a moment I spend thinking it's because of me, but I remember the folder that explained that every person at the table is required to express their feelings and anticipation concerning the meal before the whole gathering begins to eat together like an extremely troubled family.

Caught up in my mind again, I don't realize I'm being talked to instead of just about and my heart makes a few rather concerning moves in my chest when I realize it.

"Andy, don't you want to tell us how you are? You have not spoken a word since you left the ward," the present therapist at the edge of the table observes and the nine other pairs of eyes sitting here with me are all on me and awaken the wish to run in dizzy head.

"I'm a bit overwhelmed, I guess," I try, voice hoarse, and the psychiatrist considers my response for a moment before deciding to let it be and give me one evening in peace. "Any thoughts about dinner?"

"I don't want to eat it," I let it slip, recognizing the dissatisfaction on the faces that clearly show I shouldn't have said this. "But I'm sure you're determined to do your best, won't you?" she tries, displeased but letting me pass because this is my first meal, and I nod as I continue to stare at the plate in front of me that I am absolutely certain is fuller than everyone else's.

"Yeah, of course."

The eyes are on me for another moment before they all force themselves to focus on their own issues in front of themselves, and the whole hall is filled with the sounds of spoons clacking against the porcelain of the bowls as the collective slurping and gulping begins I'm sure not only I feel repulsed by.

"So," a girl next to me starts as I am busy with trying to guess how much fat might be in this one bowl. I was told there would not be butter or cream in any soups because they don't want to prepare separate soups for those with lactose intolerance, but nobody can tell me they make this stuff for people who need to gain weight without some sort of oil.