These Demons

Chapter Nineteen

**I'm slowly dying from my headache**

The rest of the evening passes by much quicker than I thought it would and before I even realize it, it's already time for everyone to go back to their rooms. Sleeping is impossible, but because there are cameras watching me, I keep still in my bed because constant tossing and turning would only raise questions about what might have been going through my mind in the morning.

I actually don't even know what is going on in my head myself. It's all a great big mess. Thoughts of eating, starvation and binging rack my brains, and the question whether I'm crazy or sick keeps crossing them as well. There is nothing wrong with me, or is there? Everyone seems to think so, but they've always been wrong about me, haven't they? Before I came here, I was certain about everything, but now doubts keep coming up. 

Not that I'll change anything, though. There is no other way for me right now. Nothing frightens me more than the idea of gaining weight again.

What also worries me is that Zoe keeps popping up in my memories, and when she does, I get weird feelings in my chest. A combination of guilt, shame and some sort of cozy warmth and joy, which altogether is highly perplexing. Unsettled and upset, I stay awake in the dark and restlessly ponder for hours without even knowing when the sun comes up because I can neither see a clock, nor the sky in here.

Breakfast is another obstacle I must overcome, but I manage by making it through quickly and doing the same thing I did yesterday evening, soothing my sore throat with hot coffee and a cigarette afterwards.
Because the ward is on the top floor, the smoking area is on the roof, which is really cool because it provides you with a great view of sunny Los Angeles on a golden fall morning.

The accompanying nurse I haven't seen before doesn't appear to care very much and just sits in the corner on her phone waiting for me to finish, so I can openly chat with Kellin who spontaneously decided to join me. "How did you sleep?" he wants to know leaning against the metal handrail. A green safety net is stretched above, covering the entire area on the roof, securely attached to metal rods. It looks like someone worried about very suicidal cats that might mistake the abyss for a way to find mice, but of course that's not the case. 

"I didn't really," I admit and take a pull on my cigarette.
"Relatable in the first night," Kellin says and brushes back a loose strand of his long messy hair that doesn't seem to have any form of a haircut.

"How are you holding up besides that?" he then asks me and I take a moment to think about that.
"I'm not sure," I hear myself mumble. "My head is chaotic right now." He nods. "You're doing quite well, though. Everyone can see you're not perfectly fine, but if you continue like this, I'm sure you can easily leave." Hearing that from someone who seems to know so much relieves me greatly.
We stay silent for a few seconds and I continue to smoke when Kellin asks: "Did you throw up your meals?" I freeze. How does he know? "I..."

"It's fine," he quickly assures me and pats my shoulder which, again, makes me take a step away from him, but he obviously doesn't mind.

"I don't care. There are a lot of crazier people out there than those with eating disorders."
"I don't..." I begin, but he interrupts me. "Whatever. Seriously, as long as you don't consider it a problem yourself and want them to help you, it's none of their business, don't you think? Those doctors think they have the fucking right to cut up your brain and screw around with it, but guess what? They don't. Their degrees change nothing about that," Kellin explains to me and I'm really impressed by his words. 

"That's exactly what I think!" I exclaim happily. "Finally someone who understands me!"
He snickers. "I know the feeling, man."

"If you don't mind, why are you even here?" I curiously wonder because we get along so well, which is honestly surprising.

"Oh, you know. The usual." He holds up one of his arms to reveal several extremely prominent scars that run from the inside of his wrist half the way to the elbow.

"You tried to kill yourself?" I ask him wide-eyed and extremely shocked because I definitely didn't expect that. Not that I know that much about this kind of stuff, but he doesn't seem like the suicidal type.

I imagine those people to be... sadder. More desperate.

Kellin shyly looks away. "I couldn't really handle all the pressure and being away from my family all the time, and then my wife cheated, so I kind of... slipped, you know?"

"I don't," I confess, still baffled. "I mean, my marriage failed, so I get that, but we could never have kids. You have that family I never got, but you still..."

"I'm a horrible person, I know," he jokes and I shake my head. "That's not what I meant. I just figured... You wouldn't want to do that to them."

"That's what everyone says," Kellin tells me. "But I think about it differently. Instead of believing I'd abandon them, I think they'd be better off."

"I know the feeling," I concede, "But I don't think that applies to your family. I'm sure it would be horrible for them if you died." 

He just shrugs. "I'm being relocated in a few days anyway. They don't think I'm acutely suicidal anymore and that I'd do anything, so I'll continue my therapy at a treatment center."

"And are they right?" I wonder and earn another shrug. "I want to die, yeah, but I'm currently not going through a phase when I try to use anything in my way to off myself."

"Is that how your depression works?" I dig. "In phases?"

"For me it does," he tells me as calmly as if it were nothing too important.

"And do you want to recover?" That really seems to get him to think. "Well, I'm not sure. There's this side that wants things to go back to the way they were, but I don't really believe that's possible anymore. Do you get me?"

"Oh yes," I quietly admit. "I often think that too."

"The thing is," Kellin continues, "Right now, I don't really have anything to lose anymore because nobody at home trusts me with myself, so I can just try that therapy without taking any risks. If it works, then that's great, if not..."

He doesn't finish the sentence and this time, I don't dare to make him.