These Demons

Chapter Twenty-one

**In case someone cares: I realized how much I love it when writers add the title of a song that inspired them during the creative process at the end of their works, so I figured I'd do that too. If you don't like it, just ignore it at the end of the following chapters. Love y'all!**

I expected an asylum to scare me and the people to freak me out, but after my first 24 hours, I'm nothing but bored. You occasionally hear someone screaming from one of the time out rooms in the back where people are locked up and watched during 'acutely dangerous situations for themselves or others', but that's about it.

Some talk to themselves or their imaginary companions, but that's no difference to people in the real world who are constantly on their phones.
Only that these people are insane, of course, but that was to be expected, and that it's actually prohibited to label anyone as crazy because 'sickness isn't insanity'. Whatever.
I don't care.

Sure, they all look strange with their starved or obese, scarred or addicted, exhausted or pale bodies, but I've looked weird all my life with my makeup and outfits.

My mask of cooperation and optimism perfectly protects me and makes them believe I've acknowledged my issues and want to actively change while in reality, I can't wait to get out and back on track at home.

The great silver lining is the message I receive after painfully and secretly purging my dinner when nobody is around: I can spend my second night in one of the regular rooms without any surveillance.

My excitement about that quickly fades when I hear that I need to share a room with another patient, but when the staff sees how much the thought of sleeping in a room with a stranger frightens me, they agree it might be better if I roomed with someone I know and get along with to support my recovery instead of sabotaging it, and the one person that immediately comes to my mind is Kellin.

He actually already shares with Steven which is why they're so close, but Steven doesn't mind to sleep elsewhere for the two nights I have left before finally leaving, and after a short discussion, my shrink Warner agrees because I need familiarity and comfort in order to make my first progresses.
That's ridiculous, but I agree with everything because I can't possibly sleep right next to some weirdo I don't know.

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When the lights are turned off and Kellin and I are both lying in our beds, I regret that I declined the offer to borrow clothes from the hospital or have them contact someone so they could bring me some stuff.

It's extremely cold not to wear pants because I can't wear skinny jeans to bed, and it's extremely disgusting to wear the same clothes for thirty hours, but being the idiot that I am, I was too conceited to wear the shabby sweatpants they have here and couldn't get over myself and ask someone to come to this place, so now I need to deal with it.

"Andy?" Kellin's voice asks in the dark.
"You sleeping?"
"Nah," I quietly reply staring at the ceiling I can't see. Fucking roller shutters.
"Neither am I."
"Obviously."
He snickers.
"Can I ask you something?"
"Sure," I answer, curious what he wants to know.
"Why do you do it?"
"Why do I do what?" I frown at the lack of precision in his question.
"Throw up food."
I swallow hard and already feel my palms getting sweaty even though I'm in a bed at night and nobody can see me.

"Sorry," Kellin says after a few seconds of silence.
"I shouldn't have asked. It's none of my business."
"No, it's... fine, I guess. I just... didn't expect it," I whisper.
"So..." he awkwardly says, "Are you going to tell me?"
"Well," I start, "It's just... People who have never done it don't understand what it feels like."
"Puking?"
I almost laugh. "Starving. At the beginning, it's hardcore, but when you've done it for a while and your body has begun to adapt to it, it makes you feel good," I quietly tell him.
"But how? I mean, it has to hurt," Kellin counters, obviously lacking to understand what I'm talking about. Nobody understands it.

"Physically it does, but... It makes you feel so proud, so strong. Like you have enough discipline to do anything. When you feel this void in your stomach for long enough, you start to feel adrenaline instead of hunger."
When Kellin doesn't say anything, I add: "It doesn't make any sense, I know."
"But it makes sense to you," Kellin notes and I appreciate his kindness so much.
"Is the purging like that too?" he wants to know.
"That's more like an emergency solution," I attempt to explain.
"When I can't stay strong or have to eat."

"Can't you just take a break from the starvation in those situations?" Kellin wonders and I joylessly smile at his thought.
"That's not how it works. There's no gray zone. It's all or nothing, black or white."
Kellin sighs from the bed next to me.
"I could never do that."
"You don't have to."
We're silent for a little while until I truthfully tell him: "Thanks for being so nice. You don't understand me, but you listen and try anyways. And don't judge me."
Just like Zoe. No. That's not true. She's to fucking blame for me being here in the first place.
"Nobody else does that."
"That's a shame," Kellin says with compassion in his silent voice.
"Yeah."

Tonight, I even manage to fall asleep, but it's a restless sleep that makes me feel even more tired in the morning.

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Mötley Crüe - Starry Eyes