i'm a cheerleader.

thirty eight

-CJ's p.o.v.-

The first month after Rebecca had passed dragged on for what seemed like years. Kids at school wouldn't stop giving me their condolences. They were all empty, but I appreciated the effort. I tried to keep up with school work, but it felt like most of my time was spent at her grave. I would go there and talk to her everyday. I would tell her about my day, and how everything at home was. She never said anything back, but it felt like I could feel her looking down on me with a smile. That was the only thing that kept me going. The darkest place in the city was full of colour in my eyes, because it was where my love was laid to rest. After the first month was over, it seemed to blow over to everyone. Everyone went on with their normal lives and it felt like I couldn't. I got angry when I saw people living their lives. How could they live with a smile on their face while she was dead? I couldn't wrap my mind around it. But as the months passed I was slowly able to come to terms with her death. I saw a therapist, and that kinda helped. And as time passed I slowly started coming to visit her less and less. At the end of senior year I was seeing her every other day. When the 6 month mark hit, I was only visiting her once a week. Then one year passed and I was seeing her twice a month. Then by the 1.5 year mark I was seeing her every other month. Then I went off to a four year university and only visited when I was home. I was slowly able to move on and in my senior year of college started to see a nice girl in my economics class named Stacy. We both graduated and continued to see each other after that, and a few months after graduation moved in together. I came home after we moved in together so she could meet my parents and so I could see Rebecca. Stacy said she would stay back with my mum whilst I went out to run some errands, so I took the opportunity to go have some time with Rebecca. I went and got a small bouquet of flowers and drove to the cemetery. When I arrived, I walked to her grave and sat down in front of it, flowers still in my hand. Her tombstone was bare. No flowers or gifts. It was a change, when I was home I always made sure she had gifts and flowers as if she was still there and able to accept them. I didn't like thinking about the fact that she would never be able to accept those gifts. I sat down in front of her stone and sat in silence for a moment before speaking.

"Hey, it's been a while. Sorry I stopped coming by as often. I got accepted to NYU!" I said with a smile. "I got these for you." I said and I set down the flowers in front of the small stone. I let out a sigh and continued. "Whilst at college I told our story. I was part of a GSA kind of thing and our story helped a lot of people. I spoke to parents and students alike and it was a very moving story. It was really hard to talk about at first, but it got easier when I saw all the good it was doing." I said. "I met a girl. Her name is Stacy. You would like her. She's so sweet and caring. We have been dating about a year or so. I think she is the woman I am going to marry. She makes me really happy." I said as a few tears escaped my eyes. "I've missed talking to you, college is one of the most stressful things I've ever done, it would have been nice to have you around. But my life would be so different if you were still here. I would have married you. We would have gotten a place and I would have never gone to NYU. But I also would have a life with you, so I guess I would have had a great life either way." I said and smiled. "I still have the ring you proposed with." I confessed. "It's one of my most prized possessions. I'll never let go of it." I said and was silent for a moment. "It was nice visiting you." I said as I put my hand on her tomb stone. "I love you" I said in a small voice before getting up and walking to my car. That was the last time I visited Rebecca's grave. Shortly after, Stacy proposed and in a few years we were married up in New York with two kids. Rebecca and Chase. I had gotten a job as a therapist for LGBT+ youth, and Stacy was the main breadwinner with her job as a pediatric dentist. We hardly ever went home and when we did it was just to see my parents. But I never did forget Rebecca. She will forever be a part of my life and my story. And she made me into a stronger person for that.