i hired a hitman on myself // joshler [✓]

XXXV

[ THANK YOU FOR 10K VIEWS YOU GUYS ARE AMAZING :)
OKAY AND (3/2/17) BRENDONS BACKFLIP AND DANCING WAS EVERYTHING FUCKING TAKE ME BACK PLEASE -frisk]

it was the morning of, and i woke up to the sound of muffled talking coming from outside my room. it seemed as if i almost forgot what today has in store, but then i remembered we had "business to take care of."

a cold and empty feeling sunk into the pit of stomach, causing a heavy weight holding me down in
a pit of worry and fear. at first i wasn't too worried after seeing everyone else's reaction to it.

but after talking to dallon last night, it was clear that we weren't playing a simple game anymore, we were playing with life and death. he was obviously scared, but why didn't tyler and the others seem concerned?

as these thoughts raced through my mind, i walked out of my room to see everyone but dallon standing around in a circle like shape, talking and eating breakfast.

i walked over and was immediately greeted by tyler, "g'morning jishwa." he smiled, hearing his voice plus being able to see him genuinely smile melted away the cold and empty feeling, replacing it with the warm and fuzzy butterflies in my stomach.

"g'morning ty," i shared the same smile. jenna, sarah, and brendon exchanged their good morning wishes to me, too. they offered me breakfast, but i wasn't too hungry. so i just decided to grab a red bull from the kitchens fridge.

i went back to hear the conversation shift into the game plan of what was going to happen today,
"... so are we gonna split up when we get there?" i heard sarah question the others, in which jenna then responded.

"yeah, so it would probably be you, bren, and dallon trying to look for the control room, while josh, tyler, and i handle raz in the meantime." jenna explained, in which the other three exchanged hums of agreement.

"hey," i casually jump into the conversation, "where is dallon, anyway?" i wonder, everyone shrugged except for brendon, who looked rather upset after i asked.

"pretty sure he's still in his room," jenna concluded, "d'ya wanna go wake him up? she then asked me, "we're leaving soon."

before i was able to, brendon quickly spoke up, "i'll go get him." he assured, walking away from the group. that's when sarah pulled jenna aside for whatever reason, which then left me alone with tyler.

again.

he half smiled, "so how d'ya sleep?" i shrugged, taking another sip of my red bull, "fine, i guess." there was obvious discretion in my answer as i didn't sound fine.

"what's wrong?" he was clearly concerned. i wasn't sure what to tell him. what happened with dallon wasn't really his business, or mine to be fair, but it still didn't feel right to tell him. so, i decided to bring the other thing that was bothering me.

"are you worried?" i asked him, "like aren't you worried that you're gonna die?" i then reiterated it further. his face fell, in which he proceeded to scratch the back of the neck.

"part of me does." he admitted, but it was clear he wanted to say something else but stopped himself and proceeded to stare down at the ground.

"what about the other part?" i wondered, he sighed, "the other part hopes i die," he sounded ashamed of himself, for whatever reason i still don't know. but hearing that from me but a weird taste in my mouth.

he took a long pause before continuing the truth, "i've done a lot of bad, josh," he heavily sighed, "if i died, it  wouldn't be a bad thing..." he trailed off, his voice filling with sadness.

i didn't know if i should speak, let alone what i would say. i remember what he told me back on the car, about him being forced into this against his will. was this why he doesn't feel the need to live anymore?

"you didn't want to do it," was the only thing i could think of in the moment, "you can't blame yourself for what you did, because it wasn't you doing it."

he shook his head, "if only you knew what i d--"

before he could continue, brendon and dallon came out from dallons room in which the jenna was calling for everyone to be ready to go.

tyler didn't even bother trying to continue the conversation, trying his best to avoid it, actually, as he made a quick excuse that he had to get ready to leave.

i sighed, feeling defeated that i was never going to decode him. there was just a lot i didn't know, but i wanted to. i just hoped that when this was all over with, i could have some time with tyler that was a lot longer than the other times we had spent together. i wanted to know what made him who he is, and i wanted to know it, soon, too.

before it was too late.