But I'm Not Me

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This song is called Zombie by the band Miser and it is the song that inspired Josh as a character. I suggest listening to this as you read, it's amazing.

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'I forgot how strange it was to have a beating heart.' Devin commented as I ran my fingers across my neck and back, trying to make sure there wasn't anymore vomit on my being. 'I mean...I can eat things now. I can touch people and feel how warm they are...before, I couldn't feel. I could just touch, you know? But now I'm alive again...' Devin was casually sitting behind me, unfazed by my lack of clothing.
'Yeah...will Chris let you stay here, though? What about that whole "murdered souls" thing you told me when we met?'
'Well...you're already dead so I can't exactly do anything now. The other souls I collected had moved on already. I'm completely free...I could...I could leave. I could go out into the world and meet people...I can get drunk, have sex, get a hangover...I'm...I'm just like everyone else again.'
'I'm pretty sure everyone else can die, Devi.' I sassed, reaching forward and turning the shower off. It was nice to see him so happy. I didn't waste time, instead drying myself off quickly and beginning to slip on a crop top and undies.
'So what do you living girls do for fun around here?'
'Worst pickup line ever, Devi.' I snickered, bending over to drag my stockings over my legs. I could hear his breathing hitch slightly as I dragged the thin fabric up my bum and slipped on some cheap shorts Chris "bought" for me. 'Are you watching me dress?'
'Well...yeah. I mean, it's like seeing a man screaming in the street. You're gonna stare, no matter what anyone says. You're pretty, I have to look.'
'I'd snap your neck if I could.'
'I can just do it myself. I'm a corpse.' Before I could reply, I heard a gentle knock against the wooden wall, followed by Josh's gentle voice.
'Hey, could I speak to (Y/n) for a second?' Devin eyed him from his spot before getting up and waving goodbye to me. I quickly slipped a loose black shirt on and followed Devin out of the showers, meeting Josh in the doorway. 'Hey, uh-'
'What do you want?' I snapped, crossing my arms.
'I just...can I still apologise? Is it too late?'
'It's never too late for an apology...and I...guess I owe you one too.' I sighed and, instead of speaking, I pressed forward and buried my face in his chest. I could feel his heart spazzing in his chest, but I thought nothing of it until I heard him growl and snicker at me.
'Some apology. What about you- fucking shut up!' He shoved me away from him and immediately tangled his fingers in his hair, screaming. 'Not now! Go away! Not now! Oh fine, you're no fun. You better turn soon or I'll fuck he- fine! Fine! Just leave her out of this!' He seemed to calm down after that, his trembling subsiding slowly. 'S-Sorry...sorry I get weird sometimes...I-I have to...to go but...I'm sorry.'
'I'm...sorry too?'

I gasped, clawing at my bed sheets, begging my body not to do this now. I could feel my nails growing, my skin stretching across my flesh. My heart was screaming from inside my chest as my mind split in two. I couldn't let my humanity go, not when my animalistic side was desperate for (Y/n). 'C-Chris!' I screamed, my knees clashing against the floor of my tent. My class dug themselves into my chest but it was no use. My body hair grew, tearing my pores painfully. I heard a deep sigh from in front of me, followed by a hand against my forehead. My eyes wandered up, noticing Chris standing in front of me with his usual Victorian attire.
'I can't. Not this time.' He had an evil grin against his lips, a familiar expression that became scarce once (Y/n) arrived.
'B-But I can't- n-not today! I-It hurts!'
'Get used to it. Don't keep depending on me to save you. You're a dog, act like it.'
'W-Why?'
'I have someone to take care of. I need to make sure she is safe and that means stripping myself of unnecessary time-wasting.' He had always been a monster. For a while, I was beginning to believe (Y/n) was actually changing Chris but instead he was channeling his tendencies. He was taking his worst angers out on himself and the rest of us. He didn't deserve (Y/n). I would've loved to find her before he did and save her. 'I'm her perfect man, don't hold animosity against me because she made me. She wants me this way.'
'Y-You- J-Just-'
'If you want to be a normal wolf, take up my offer but for-'
'F-Fine! Fine! Just do it!' I screamed, beginning to feel my teeth stretching my gums. Chris had asked me a long time ago if I wanted to be a werewolf, but I never thought about it until the moments where my body began to change. I usually had the mind of a dog, my body keeping the same but that was after I battled myself to stay human. Chris told me I could do the whole "every full moon" thing as long as I promised to take care of his errands that involved mercy. Chris was cold.
He was the definition of a demon.
'Not right now. (Y/n) needs me.' He informed me, beginning to exit my tent.
'M-Monster!'

So hungry.
I wandered through the forest which surrounded Chris' circus. The dying autumn leaves howled above me, reminding me of a human scream. My stomach screamed at me for blood.
'La, la, la, la, la!' I listened carefully, my legs taking me down the path that led me to the city. 'La, la, la!' I felt an evil grin creep across my red lips as I quietly bolted towards the noise. My breathing hitched at the sight of a tiny girl wandering the streets alone, blonde hair tied in piggy-tails. Her rosy red cheeks made me drool.
'(Y/n), don't.' My bare toes curled against the grass before I turned around, gazing at Ricky. He was dressed a lot more sexually than usual. Instead of his usual white shirt with black jeans, he wore a crimson-violet dress shirt that was almost completely unbuttoned. He kept his jeans, but knowing him he'd burn a town just to wear them. 'The police are following her in case of sexual predators. Feed from me.' He took my hand, digging his nails into my flesh so that I couldn't escape his grasp.
'Mm...mnh...' I tried to stop my childish noises, but I just wanted food. As though reading my mind, Ricky paused and let out a deep sigh before plopping himself down in front of an old oak tree. He slipped the neck of his shirt down his shoulder, revealing his creamy white skin tone.
'Go. Take what you need, even if it kills me...' I kneeled in front of him, gripping his shoulders and forcing his back against the tree. I arched my back and leaned forward, sliding my tongue over his candy-tasting skin. I moaned at his warmth before sinking my teeth into his neck and letting his blood creep into my mouth. He inadvertently moaned at the feeling, arousal and relief evident. I couldn't focus on the taste of his blood when he was coming undone right beneath me. I lapped away at his blood before suddenly, I was knocked away from Ricky.
'My turn! Gonna play with her! Daddy's chew toy!' I gazed discombobulatedly at the humanoid creature which was covered with hair, it's tongue hanging from between its lips and it's panting loud enough to wake up the city. 'Missed your frightened gaze!' I recognised that voice, but I refused to speak. The creature was gazing into my eyes with an undeniable insanity that couldn't be ignored. He leaned forward, tongue grazing over my chest. If he was who I thought he was, than I had no problem with him using me. No amount of violation would make me stop loving Chris, there was almost no point in fighting.
'Josh, einfrieren.' Ricky sighed from behind me, catching his attention. I knew it was Josh, the smell of wet dog was unmistakable. 'Lass sie sein.' I recognised the German words, but couldn't make sense of them.
'Aber ich liebe sie...' Josh replied, a frown spreading across his lips.
'Das machen wir alle.' At that moment, Josh was kicked off of me at full force by a shadow that dropped from the trees. Ricky paused after speaking, only to witness Chris at his most defensive.
'(Y/n), we are leaving right now.'

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