poetry by a girl who's afraid of herself //

Step one of moving on.

i'm laying in bed and it's all hitting me as i lay here in the dark; it's hitting me that what we had is gone. what you felt for me if ever, is gone. i'm fucking laying here and i can feel my heart breaking piece by fucking piece. why. why did i fucking do this to myself AGAIN. i gave pieces to someone who wasn't even whole. you took them and you kept taking them and you left me with nothing. i have no more pieces to give you or to anyone; even myself. i really thought the second time would work out way better. you said you could see it happening but that was just fucking bullshit. you led me on, hurt my feelings and kept feeding me lies and giving me hope and that's the worse thing you could've ever done; to give me hope. i gave you everything when i myself had nothing. was that not enough? did my pieces not satisfy you? were they just not up to your standards? i have my answer now that you told me to stop caring and to stop loving you. this is gonna be hard for me considering i love you and i'm a caring person. i can't be like you; someone who cares so little and hurts so much; someone who says one thing and means another; someone who loves half heartedly. i just can't be you. and i want to turn it off dear god i want to turn off how i feel about you so you can be happy and that i can stop being sad. but if i push it away i'm not dealing with it and it needs to be dealt with otherwise i'll be happy for a bit and then be sad for a while. so now i have to go through the process of not loving everything about you; the way your smile brightens my day; the way your giggle echoes in the room; the way your hazel eyes stared into mine; the way my breath would catch when you said you loved me; the way it felt when you touched me. i have to teach myself to not love that anymore. and that right there? that's the last piece to fall.