poetry by a girl who's afraid of herself //

The Unknown

You ever get that feeling where it's like you're drowning in every single emotion all at once? Like all of it is overwhelming you and you struggle to gasp for air so you give in and let it crush you because you just can't do it anymore?
Me too.
It's a feeling I call the unknown.
Why? Because you don't know exactly what emotion (s) you're feeling. Because you can't tell if you are feeling happy, excited, or even scared, because it feels like all of that in one. Like there's the good unknown. Then there's the bad one. I guess you could say I have more experience with the bad rather than the good. The good unknown is you're so uncontrollably happy that you aren't just happy it's a bunch of different ones too. Like gleeful, joyous, flustered, and even curious.
The bad unknown is feeling all these shitty emotions at once. Such as anxiety, fear, hurt, anger, sadness, and sometimes you might even feel like death. And it's not just one single emotion at a time, it's the whole bucket full. So you sit there at school, or at home, or somewhere completely random, and you wonder why can't you be like other people. Those who feel the right things at the right times, those who feel no absolute bad emotion. And as you sit and wonder.. You start to think its stupid to sit there and try to wonder what it'll be like to feel what those people feel, because you'll never find that. Because somewhere on the road to greatness, you got lost and found yourself lost in the unknown. You got lost and now you're sure there's no way out. So while you sit there and you wonder and you fight with yourself about this lost road you've accidentally taken, you stop thinking. Everything becomes clear. You didn't accidentally take that road, you purposely took it. Why? Why would someone purposely stop feeling? Because you realize you aren't like those people who can deal with the burden of emotions. You grew so goddamn tired of that heavy burden on your shoulders you took that driving wheel and you steered it to the road you're currently on. Because you're done. You have gotten so sick of feeling that you'd rather feel nothing than anything at all, and the only thing you're left with is feeling absolute emptiness. You don't have to deal with the burden anymore. You don't have to deal with that unknown feeling of emotions you were being drowned and struggling to breath with, you don't have to feel like feeling emotions is a job you wish you could quit. Because it's gone. You took that road and there's no going back. And you like that sound of that, you like the sound of not having to deal with the nights where you just wonder what it would be like to not feel, because you don't have to wonder anymore. So you get up and you leave your head and you stop fighting yourself, and you get in that car and you get back on the road of feeling emptiness, you get back on the road that'll take you where you don't know.. Some might even call it the unknown.