Now this might seem cute, romantic even? A typical teenage thing...but the thing is...I've never been so serious about someone.
You know when you have a crush and it eventually goes away?
Well hell, this isn't the case.
It all started years ago (JK), when I met this crush. I actually met them quite randomly. I'm not even sure how it happened. But somehow I ended up being stupid as I always am. And I don't mean stupid as in to insult myself, I mean the crazy, funny, weirdo freaking stupid. I don't quite know how to describe it because I was just being myself. So, after that I really got to know them. and...it's weird because I don't think I've ever tried this hard to get to know someone. And, when I say that, I don't want you to think that this crush didn't like me as a friend, I mean I had never really put in so much effort to get someone to notice me like that. It was just...a pull....a connection that I had never felt before. Even before I liked this person, I thought I liked someone before them, but they don't even compare to them at all. And the crazy part is...there is no significance to my crush. They are quite average like me. And, now that think about it this sounds quite childlike, but it's so damn real. I have cried over this person. I have thought about them constantly. I have been around them so much it just seemed...natural...like it was meant to be.... But then...I figured out they were in a relationship....and it was a huge slap in the face. Why? It was...apparently going around that I liked this person and they asked me...my best friend convinced me to confess even though I was scared to...and now they know. The crazy thing is...they told me they liked me too... and that feels like a huge slap in the face... And I've tried on countless occasions to just forget about this person, to forget I ever confessed even though I never confess to anyone I have a crush on or like, to forget I have feelings for them, to forget that they torture my thoughts every. single. day. As I'm sure you can tell, I can't forget. And I've thought that maybe I'm just scared to be...alone...lonely...but I have family and good friends...so why would I need someone just to make me feel alright?
So... I have a crush. A crush that has developed into I feel is more close to love than just a simple crush. And this is probably just a normal teenage drama romance story whatever that is. But I guess, since I've experienced it...it...it's different.
I think they're so beautiful, stupid, crazy, and unique. They just seem so different from every other person I've tried to build or be in a relationship with. I guess it's cause I can't be in a relationship with this person. i hate that i like them like this. Cause every day...a piece of me hurts. Cause this person is still in my life, but I can't do anything to make them look at me any different because I have already been rejected. But for some reason, I hold on to the little moments. When they carried me on their back, or we just sat talking or even hung out in silence while a movie played in the background. It all seemed so real to me, when it was insignificant to them.
Maybe it is just me being hopelessly..romantic. But I really like this person. I wish...I wish... that i could just see if it would ever go anywhere...but maybe I'm the reason why I am hurting like this. Maybe I'm just a bad person, maybe I seem like I use people that like me and lead them on, maybe I just am afraid to be broken like this. Maybe I am afraid of relationships, feelings, and commitment. But I've never wanted to just be around someone for the hell of it. I have never wanted to be with a person like this because I'm afraid to show feelings because it might lead to me being how I am right now.
So yeah, I might actually love someone. But I'm sure you can see even from a Romeo and Juliet perspective, love isn't always fair. But for some reason, I believe that it can be. I still have so much hope for myself, and that alone gets me though the day. I thought one simple crush... *laughs* was going to crush me. But the thing is, I might cry every single day about this same person, but... there are billions of people on this planet. Why am I crying over one who doesn't even know I am crying about them? I'm laughing because it's crazy that I just now realized there are billions of people in the world, and because I feel like this one person is right for me, I'm stalling everything I have felt for anyone else for them.
But y'all... honestly I'm seventeen.
...
Why am I even worried about this?
There aren't enough contacts or eye glasses for me to see how bright my future is going to be or how happy I'm going to be accomplishing everything to get there.
Like. y'all I'm shedding tears. ACTUAL TEARS. For someone who doesn't even know I'm this serious about them.
#Dying
So moral of the story, you live on an planet with billions of people and one of those people on this planet might just be your actual significant other...so don't cry if one thing...one relationship doesn't work. Because in every room you step in, you might just get to know that one real person who is unlike any other you have ever met. Maybe someone just like you or just opposite of you. But the point is, they are here. They are on this planet. You have hope for a happier future. You cannot let little things destroy you like this little crush was kinda killing me. Let yourself be you. Don't try to be different. WHOEVER YOU LOVE, don't change, don't try to be like anyone else, as generic as that sounds, it's what I tried to do. And clearly it didn't work. LOVE WHOEVER YOU WANT TO LOVE. BE THE PERSON YOU KNOW YOU WANT AND BELIEVE YOU SHOULD BE. BELIEVE IN YOURSELF. LOVE YOURSELF. DON'T LET YOUR THOUGHTS BE SWAYED OR CHANGED BY PEOPLE OR THINGS YOU SEE ON THE INTERNET. BE YOURSELF. NOT BECAUSE I SAID SO...BECAUSE YOU ARE AMAZING. AND I WANT TO GET TO KNOW YOU NOT ANYONE ELSE.
So yeah, I have a crush. I think I might be falling for them, and I know I might not have a chance. But I have to open my eyes. This isn't my last chance to fall in love or even think about it. Like I said, there are billions of people in the world. I'd be dumb to stop trying to find just one thing I've dreamed about as a little girl.
Never stop dreaming. Never stop believing. Never stop loving.
-A lightskin
