Silent

Chapter 4

After I had laid in bed for a few hours, I got out of bed and made my way to find Luke. Although, he didn't care about me, I still needed his comfort.

I walked to his room and knocked lightly on the door before letting myself inside. Looking around I noticed he wasn't there. That's strange. Luke practically lived in his room.

I sighed to myself and debated on whether I wanted to go downstairs or not. I might just murder Beau if given the chance to. He was such a jerk sometimes, even on a good day. But what he said to me earlier was too much, even for him. I decided I needed my twin, even if no one actually needed me. As I made my was down to the kitchen, I couldn't help but want to run back up to my room and burrow into my bed.

"Did some little princess decide to finally stop sulking?" I heard Beau's teasing voice before I saw him. My hands started to shake. I wanted so badly just to punch him in the face, but I didn't. I had done enough damage for one day.

"What's going on?" Luke asked, walking into the room. I was so happy to see my twin. I really needed him right now. I immediately ran and hugged him, burying my face into his shoulder.

"Such a diva..." Beau murmured from behind me, causing me to hold onto Luke tighter.

"Get off!" Luke barked, shoving me harshly off of him. I should have expected him to do that, but for some reason I didn't. Luke would hug Beau easily off camera, but I didn't get that luxury. Sometimes, I truly believed my twin brother hated me.

I backed away from both of them. I felt so miserable in that moment. I felt like life wasn't worth living, and that there was nothing that could possibly change that. I let tears slide down my face, not even caring that Beau and Luke were standing right there.

Beau started laughing, of course.

"Baby Brooks going to cry now?" He whined in a patronizing tone. I really, really wanted to punch him now. "Wow, and I thought those tweets were bad enough. My names Jai Brooks and I think I'm a worthless human being!" Beau mocked. I looked over at Luke. He was fighting to keep a smirk off of his face.

They really didn't care. They hadn't even noticed I wasn't talking. I took off running to my room and locked myself in my bathroom. I was about to do something I hadn't done in a long time.

I was going to cut.

No one ever knew I cut myself. They thought I was just more reserved. I had, though. My thighs are completely covered in faded scars that will never go away completely. That's why I always wore longer shorts or pants in videos while everyone else stripped down to their boxers.

I opened the linen closet and took out something I never thought I would look inside ever again. It was my special box. I created it when things were still bad. At that point in time, I never expected things to actually get any better. I found a black box of my Mum's that she had previously used to store jewelry during trips, but never really used anymore. Inside I stored several blades I had broken out of razors, a lighter, and a bottle of my old antidepressants. I never expected to actually use them. It was more like a last resort type of thing.

I took out one of the sharp blades and lowered my sweatpants. I stared hard at all of the thin, white scars that stood out to me, but were really only noticeable if you were looking at them.  They were absolutely disgusting, and I hated that I was about to create even more scars to join them. I needed it, though.

I lowered blade until the cool, silver metal was pressed against my warm, milky skin. It had been a while since I had last done it, so I was a little hesitant. I was able to find the courage I needed, and I pressed down hard and slid the blade across my thigh. Within no time at all, blood was seeping out of the freshly made wound.

I had missed it. Badly.

I made several more cuts on my thighs, before finally stopping. I went back to my linen closet and hid my box again. I also retrieved a towel and soaked it in warm water. Sitting down on the edge of the tub, I cleaned myself up.

I was ashamed of myself, but I really needed it. I didn't realize how badly I had needed it until I had actually done it. What did I learn from the entire thing?

I needed to be put back on anti-depressants for the time being. It's kind of twisted if you really think about it, to enjoy cutting into your own flesh.

Sighing, I pulled up my sweatpants and walked back into my room. I almost shrieked in surprise to find Luke on my bed. My heart started to beat heavily in fear. Luke could of found out at any moment what I was doing in the bathroom.

"Hey." Luke said as he looked up at me. "I saw your tweets."

I shrugged my shoulders at him. I could almost see the vein in his head start to jump.

"Jai. Do you even realize what are fans are going to think about those tweets? You need to start thinking before you do stuff like that." Luke scolded me. At first, I thought he was going to comfort me. I was so wrong about that. I pulled up Beau's tweets that caused me to post my tweets and showed them to Luke.

"This is why you tweeted those things?" Luke asked.

I nodded my head.

"It's Beau, Jai." Luke scoffed, "Thats just how he is. All of our fans know that. You should have been smart about it."

"Get out." I spoke quietly. I meant to say it louder, but my voice was a little rough from disuse.

"What?" Luke froze. He looked like a deer caught in headlights.

"I said get out!" I spoke a little louder and with a lot more venom in my tone. Luke stared at me before nodding and leaving my room.

I flopped down on my bed. Luke had some nerve telling me off for something Beau did. It made me even sadder, just thinking about it. I decided that because of that sadness and what I did in the bathroom, I needed to get help. I needed to be put on anti-depressants again. I pulled out my phone and googled the number for my old psychiatrist.

"Hello, this is Jai Brooks. I was a patient of Dr. King's a few years back, and I was needing to schedule an appointment with her again."