Silent

Chapter 11

Olivia ended up leaving about an hour later. We had a long conversation, but no more arguments. I can definitely say we learned a lot more about each other. She left only with the promise that I didn't do anything else that was 'stupid'.

I was really tempted to and that scared me. I decided that I needed someone to comfort me and I knew that Luke was definitely not an option. My Mum would just be disappointed in me before blowing off my problems as something that was minor. But, them there was Beau. We hadn't really been getting along lately, but I knew I could always go to him in the past. I just hoped that that was still the case.

I walked out into the hallway and walked down to Beau's door. I raised my hand to knock, but hesitated. Could I really trust Beau? He's said nothing but awful things to me these last few months. I started pacing back and forth in front of his door and brought my hands up to stressfully tug on my hair. I didn't know what to do. Beau was always full of surprises. He could very well tell me to grown up and leave him alone. I don't know what I'd do if that happened.

"Jai?" I heard Beau's confused voice ask. I turned to see his door open with his staring at me.

"H-Hey B-Beau." I stuttered out, before dropping my hands back down to my sides. He raised an eyebrow at me. He looked kind of freaked out.

"Jai, do you need something or are you just pacing in front of my door for no reason?"

"Well I..." I trailed off. I don't know what to say to him. Anything I could possibly say would just irritate him. He already hated me enough, I didn't need him to hate me more. I brought my fists up to hit my forehead in frustration. I was about to TALK to him. That was the exact thing I told myself I wasn't going to do. I couldn't talk to him without causing him pain.

"You what?" Beau questioned. I shook my head wordlessly at him. I turned away from him so that he couldn't see the tears that were about to pour out. I was just a burden that no one needed.

"Nothing." I mumbled and walked away. That was a bad idea to begin with. Beau would just laugh at me if I told him I was feeling suicidal. He didn't care. No one did. I was probably going to end up killing myself at this rate.

I needed Luke.

I needed my twin brother.

I couldn't call him, though. He didn't care anymore. He didn't care, and now I just really needed him.

Instead of going back to my room, I let myself into Luke's room. I threw myself on his bed, wrinkling his nearly made bed in the process. I took a shaky breathe before the tears started to flow.

I didn't know what to do anymore. I didn't want to live. I just wanted to end it all. It's what I deserved, and to be honest, everyone would be much happier without me in their lives to ruin everything.

I slowly drifted to sleep in the midst of my tears...
-
I woke up to someone harshly shaking me. I was confused. Why was there someone in my room? Then, I remembered I wasn't in my room. I was in Luke's room. That was bad. I forced my eyes open to see Luke's angry face staring back at me. His eyes were bloodshot and it was obvious that I had made him cry. I hated myself 1000x more just for that.

"Sorry, Luke. I didn't mean to fall asleep. I'll leave now." I stood up and refused to make eye contact with my twin brother.

"Jai. Just stay for a minute." Luke groaned. I was confused. Why did he want me to stay?

I looked at him questioningly.

"You know I love you, right?" He asked. I kept my head down. I didn't think he loved me. In fact, I thought the opposite. "You don't, do you?"

"You don't have to pretend, Luke. I'm fine." I faked a smile at him, causing him to frown.

"I'm not pretending!" Luke sighed. "If this is about me leaving earlier, then I'm sorry. I just didn't know how to deal with you at the moment."

"That's why I didn't want to tell you. I knew you would just react like this."

"Jai, I'm trying." Luke sounded hurt. "This isn't exactly easy for me."

"You're so right, Luke." I said sarcastically. "I mean what do I have to complain about?"

"Jai I didn't mean that and you know it. Stop being so...." he trailed off.

"Selfish?" I supplied. "Go ahead, Luke. Just say it already. It's not like you don't say it every other day already."

"Well, maybe it's because you are selfish. Ever thought about that?" Luke snapped. "I mean really, Jai, you could at least stop focusing on yourself for one day!"

"Sorry, would you rather I just disappear. Maybe that would be perfect for you. No more having to be embarrassed by your pathetic excuse for a twin!" I yelled back, matching his anger.

"I don't know what to say anymore." Luke whispered. I stared at him in disbelief. I couldn't deal with this anymore. I was so done with this conversation. It was obvious I wasn't wanted here.

"Boys, what's going on?" Both of our heads turned at the same time to see our Mum standing by the door, yawning. She had a frown on her face at the sight of Luke and I fighting.

"Nothing." Luke shouted at the same time I shouted, "Luke's being a judgmental idiot."

Our mum blinked twice before sighing.

"Do either of you two want to elaborate?" She demanded.

"Luke's mad at me because he found out I'm back on antidepressants." I sighed.

"That's because you didn't tell me. What kind of brother does that?"

"Luke stop it!" Mum intervened. "Jai, I told you tell your brothers. This wouldn't have happened if you had just listened to me."

"Wait, Mum knew, but I didn't!" Luke sounded even angrier.

"I told you. Mum found out about it without my approval." I forced out before rushing out of the room.

I'm so done.