Silent

Chapter 10

I stared down at my bleeding wrist longingly. I wanted so much to just finish the job. I didn't want to be here anymore. Luke hated me now. Beau's hated me for awhile now. Daniel doesn't even talk to me anymore. That was already a lot to deal with, but now I had to deal with the fact that I made a promise to someone that I probably couldn't keep.

I just wanted to die.

That thought scared me. I hadn't truly been suicidal in a very long time, but now it was happening again and I didn't know if I could handle that. I needed to tell someone what I was feeling, but I literally had no one to tell. No one would care if I died. Luke was proof of that. He walked out on me after I had finally told him the truth. Olivia definitely wasn't getting what she wanted now.

Olivia.

She didn't really care about anything that happened to me. She simply just wanted to meet Luke. In order to do that, she technically needed me to be alive. Maybe I could tell her.

I decided to call her.

"Hello?" I heard her voice say. I remained silent. I don't know if I should burden her like this. She went to therapy just like I did. "Jai?"

"O-O-Olivia..." I stuttered.

"Jai?" Came her mumbled reply. "What's up. Am I getting to meet Luke already?!"

"No. I'm sorry. I-I shouldn't of called you." I apologized, taking a shaky breath.

"Jai." Olivia sounded serious. "Are you okay? You're scaring me right now."

"I don't know."

"I don't know how to help you if you don't tell me." Olivia stated. Those words triggered something in me. Those words were said by Dr. King when I first started going to therapy. I ignored the nostalgia. It was probably just a coincidence.

"Can you come over?" I begged.

"Of course. Where do you live?" She asked.

-

"Okay I'm here." Olivia spoke through the phone. She had refused the idea of me hanging up and waiting for her. I immediately pressed he end call button and rushed downstairs to pull her inside.

"Come on." I hurriedly pulled her by her hand up the stairs and into my room.

"Ok I'm here now, what's the matter?" Olivia asked, frustrated at my strange behavior.

"Sorry." I dropped her hand. "I just...I didn't know who else to call. I just can't be alone right now."

"Did you do something stupid?" Her hazel green eyes seemed to stare into my soul. I was forced to look away. I fell back onto my bed and covered my face with my hands.

"I don't know anymore." I admitted. I felt the bed dip down next to me. Olivia grabbed one of my arms in her small hands and gently rolled up the sleeve. I heard her gasp quietly at what she found.

"Oh Jai. I never would have taken you for a self-harmer." She admitted quietly.

"No one knows but Dr. King."

"And now me...is that why you called me?" I shook my head at her question. That honestly wasn't the reason.

"I want to die right now." I decided to be blunt. Olivia's eyes widened.

"No. You don't need to be telling me that. You need to tell your family, your friends, or anyone else that loves you. Not me. Not the girl you practically just met." She collapsed next to me and stressfully ran a hand through her ash brown hair.

"Your hair is pretty..." I murmured without thinking. She sat up straight.

"Do you like me? Because let me tell you one thing. That can't happen. I'm in love with your brother. Not you."

"Olivia...I....no..." I didn't know what to say. I don't think I like her. She's just really easy to talk to.

"Save it Jai." She snapped. "What exactly was this, anyway? Were you faking, so I would give you attention or something?"

"No, I would never!" I shouted. "Sorry, I wasted your time. I just really needed to tell someone and I thought you were the person most likely to not care."

"Not care? Are you planning to do it soon or something?" Olivia asked slowly.

"Who knows. I might do it as soon as you leave." I was angry and couldn't control what I was saying. "I had no right to tell you something like that and for that I'm sorry. You can let yourself out now."

"Why so you can slit your wrists some more or do you have a gun hidden somewhere you're going to use to end it all?" Olivia seethed, obviously angry with me.

"Doesn't matter. Just leave." I ground out.

"No. I haven't met Luke yet." I don't know why, but it was like a punch to my stomach. I had just told her I was thinking about committing suicide, but she still only wanted to meet Luke. She wanted the better twin because I wasn't good enough. Just like everyone else.

"Luke's not going to be home anytime soon. He stormed out after he found out I was on antidepressants." It was as simple as that. My twin hated me because I couldn't be happy without meds. "He basically hates me right now, too."

"Jai that's ridiculous. Luke's the nicest person in the world. You obviously ran him off." She scoffed. I couldn't believe it. How could I be stupid enough to treat her like a friend. She was just using me to get to my twin brother. I knew that, but I still made this mistake.

"You can leave or you can stay there, but if you aren't leaving then I am." I stood up from my bed and headed into my bathroom, closing the door behind me.

I glanced up into the mirror in front of me. The sight I saw was absolutely disgusting. I was disgusted by myself. No one cared and I didn't know how to deal with that. I slid down onto the floor and retrieved my blade from where it was hiding.

Rolling up my sleeve, I pressed the blade harshly into my wrist and dragged it across. I did this over and over until I couldn't feel anything anymore. I slowly became dizzier and dizzier, so I stopped. I had never cut this deep before.

I liked it.

I pulled some gauze out and wrapped it tightly around my bleeding wrist. I sighed. I was still broken, but I felt slightly better. That was actually a pro of Olivia not caring about me. She didn't care, so she wouldn't make me stop like other people might.

"Jai?" Olivia asked, biting her lip nervously as I stepped out of the bathroom. "You have...blood...on your shirt."

I looked down and noticed a spot on my shirt stained with blood. That wasn't good.

"I figured you would have been gone by now." I said as I took my shirt off and slung it into the corner of my room. I noticed Olivia's eyes travel down my chest before lingering on my abs for a moment. She had obviously been checking me out even though she thought I was disgusting.

"Um. No. I'm waiting for Luke." She mumbled, forcing her eyes away. They landed on my gauze-covered wrist. "Did you...did you cut while I was in here?"

"Thought you would be gone." I shrugged. Her eyes became sad.

"Jai, I'm sorry. I didn't mean what I said. I want to be your friend. I just can't let you rely on me as a crutch. I can't do something like that. I can't help you." Her eyes sparkled with unshed tears.

"I don't want you to fix me. I love cutting." Olivia gave me a weird look when I said this. "I just wanted someone I didn't have to lie to."