Silent

Chapter 6

I felt weird. I had been taking my anti- depressants for a few days now, and it was almost like I couldn't feel anything. I wasn't happy. I wasn't sad. I was just numb. I thought feeling empty was bad, but being numb was entirely different. I decided not to say anything to Dr. King about it. I might just need more time to adjust.

I turned over in my bed and was surprised to see Luke there. I had forgotten he had crawled into my bed after having a nightmare last night. He should've just went to Beau. I'm no help. I can barely handle my own problems right now. It wasn't often Luke chose to be this close to me, and I savored the contact. It was a form of comfort even if Luke didn't realize that's what he was doing. I snuggled down under my blankets and was about to close my eyes again when Luke's own eyes popped open.

"Jai?" Luke groggily murmured as he took in his surroundings. "Oh. Sorry for disturbing you last night."

I nodded my head in response before hugging my twin. I knew he was just going to push me off like usual, but I really needed someone. I was right. Luke slowly extricated himself from my grip and moved to the edge of my bed. My twin really did hate me. Before I could stop myself, I felt hot tears start to rush down my face. I should've felt weak and pathetic because I knew I couldn't cry in front of Luke, but I only felt numb. The numbness made me cry harder. I dug a hand into my thigh to try to get a flash of pain and it worked. My tears started to slow down and I was able to make eye con tact with Luke.

"Jai, what just happened?" Luke looked petrified. His eyes were wide and they shone with his own unshed tears. "I'm sorry for whatever it was I did. You don't have to talk to anyone else, but will you at least talk to me."

I thought about it. Luke was my twin brother. Although we haven't exactly been close in years, he was still the person I trusted the most. I nodded my head. I refused to talk to Beau, but I could at least talk to Luke a little bit.

"Okay." I whispered, before coughing.  My voice was strained since I haven't exactly been using it that much.

"What's going on with you?" Luke asked. I brought my knees up to my chest as I sat up.

"Nothing, I just realized a few things." I sighed. Luke wouldn't understand. He would just hate me more than he already does now.

"You've been upset and refusing to talk for a week now, Jai. It has to be something." Luke reasoned. I buried my face in my knees. I didn't want to disappoint him. I was a mistake, and he was nearly perfect. My family probably would have been better off without. Maybe our dad would have stayed if I wasn't around.

"I- it's nothing, Luke. Can't I just not talk if I don't want to talk?" I asked gruffly.

"If you don't want to talk that's fine. However, if it's for extended periods of time that is not fine at all. Let me in, Jai. I care-" I cut Luke off right there.

"No you don't. You haven't cared in a long time." I bit out, chuckling darkly.

"You said something like that the other day, too." Luke sighed, "I don't know where you got that from, but it's not true at all."

"Whatever. Can we stop talking now. I'm done." I tried, causing Luke to huff in annoyance.

"Sure. How about we talk about the nightmare I had?" Luke suggested.

"Or we could just not talk at all." I suggested back. Luke rolled his eyes at me.

"I had a dream that you killed yourself..." Luke trailed off. My breathe caught in my throat. I can't say that the thought hasn't ever crossed my mind. I even had a whole box prepared to off myself with if it ever came down to that.

"That's crazy! Why would you ever even think about something like that?" I chuckled. Luke looked at me with sad eyes before doing the unexpected.

He hugged me.

"I'm sorry." Luke breathed, "Growing up, when things had started to get bad, I was never there for you. I was never exactly understanding about your depression. Then, you collapsed at school and I-I just freaked and pushed you away."

"Luke, stop."

"No! I wasn't there for you when I should have been! It's my fault you got so bad, but I was angry at you. You stopped eating and sleeping. You didn't even try to let me in. You were just going to let yourself waste away and leave me. Just like you're doing now!"

"Don't be ridiculous. I'm fine." I laughed, hugging my twin tighter. I wasn't really fine, but he didn't need to worry about me.

"Don't lie to me, Jai. You're not fine. I can feel how thin you're getting again. When's the last time you even ate a proper meal?"

"I j-just haven't been hungry lately." I needed to get him off my trail. He didn't need to worry. I had pills for that now.

"There's more to it than that and we both know that!" Luke argued. I clammed up again, refusing to talk. I was numb right now, but that didn't mean I had to make Luke suffer.