Silent

Chapter 17

The entire time I was in the hospital, I felt completely empty. Fans and haters alike had taken the opportunity to show their support and tell me to try again. But, I couldn't dwell on that. I didn't know how to trust anyone anymore.

When I told Luke about the truth behind Olivia and Dr. King, he was outraged. He thought I should report Dr. King, but honestly I didn't want to think about them any longer. Olivia had finished destroying me when I was already broken enough as it was.

No one understood, though. They thought that I should be happy, but I couldn't do that. I was so broken this time that I once again became silent. This time, however, it wasn't on purpose. I couldn't find the will to talk.

"Jai," Luke walked into my room about a week after I got home from the hospital. "Why aren't you dressed? You have an appointment in 20 minutes. We needed to leave 5 minutes ago."

"Dunno..." I shrugged and continued to lay on my bed. Luke sighed and walked over to my bed to sit next to me.

"Tell me what's going on in that brain of yours." Luke said softly, stroking through my hair.

"Nothing." I could tell that I was upsetting Luke with my attitude, but I just felt so broken.

"Jai, you know you can tell me anything right?" Luke asked softly. I thought about it and decided that he was wrong. There were plenty of things I couldn't tell him. "Don't make that face. It's true."

"I want to die." I started clearly. "I want to die, and you don't want to hear about it. So no, I can't tell you anything."

"Jai," Luke sighed. "I hate that you want that. I only want you to be happy."

"Bring me a knife and I will be happy."

"Just...get up so we can at least get to your appointment sometime today." Luke looked away as he said this, most likely fighting the tears that were threatening to fall. I hated to treat him like this, but I just didn't care. I was beyond done at this point.
~
"So Jai, what do you want to talk about first." My new therapist, Sonya, asked. I glanced at Luke but he was simply staring at his shoes. Apparently, my ER doctor thought it would be a good idea for Luke to be present during my therapy sessions with my new therapist because of the emotional trauma Dr. King left behind.

"I dunno." I rolled my eyes. Psychiatrists were smart. They made you think that they were going to help you, but really they didn't. The longer you're mentally ill, the more money they make. I made the mistake of trusting a psychiatrist once, but I was not going to do that again.

"Jai, please at least try." Luke spoke up from beside me. He still didn't make eye contact with me.

"Okay, you want me to talk. Why can't you let me die? What's so wrong with wanting to end my misery?" I raised my voice. Luke clenched his fists and squeezed his eyes shut painfully, but otherwise didn't react.

"Jai, Luke just wants what's best for you. He doesn't want you to suffer. He wants to find an alternative to where you can live and be happy at the same time." Sonya spoke up, giving me a tiny smile.

"Well, I don't want that." I huffed angrily.

"Moving along," Sonya continued, "Luke, is there anything you'd like to say to Jai?"

"Actually there is." Luke admitted, surprising me. "I'm angry with you."

"This is an anger-free zone!" Sonya interrupted.

"Sorry, but I can't control how I feel." I said sarcastically, rolling my eyes.

"I'm not angry because you're sad or because you want to die." Luke finally made eye contact with me. "I'm angry because you tried to leave me."

My breathe caught in my throat at that. Whatever sassy comeback I was going to make died instantly. I didn't view it as me leaving him. He was my twin brother and I loved him. Honestly, he didn't have anything to do with my attempt. He just happened to be there at the time.

"What happened to Luke and Jai? We're supposed to be together forever, right?" Luke asked vulnerably.

"Luke..." I couldn't find the words to say to him. Nothing I could say would fix us at this point. I had given up on myself, and in doing so, I had let my brother down.

"I think that's enough for today." Sonya commented, signaling that our hour was up. Luke and I shakily stood up. Neither of us knew what to say to the other in response.

"Thanks." Luke murmured as we left the room. Beau was waiting in the waiting room for us, but as we got closer, we noticed he was sleeping. Not in the mood, Luke walked over to him and shook him awake.

"Done already?" Beau yawned.

"Yeah." Luke and I replied at the same time. Beau blinked at us for a moment before shaking his head.

"Lets go then." He said awkwardly. I felt so bad. I was making everything so awkward for my brothers. None of us had ever been this awkward around the other in a long time. I followed slowly behind my brothers as they shared hushed whispers that were most likely about me. I could only think one thing the entire ride home: next time I'll make sure nobody can save me.