Silent

Chapter 20

"How long do I have left before you try to leave me again?" Luke asked brokenly. I couldn't respond. I was too shocked to. With everything going on I had forgotten that I even had my special box. "Say something, Jai!"

"I don't know." I couldn't make eye contact with him. Luke was just so angry and I didn't want him to start hating me again.

"Jai, I thought we agreed to you trying to get better!" Luke scolded.

"I am trying!" I argued. Luke looked at me with disbelief.

"Oh yeah, then what exactly is this?" He asked, gesturing to my special box. It was opened so the pill bottles and blades were taunting me. I kept my eyes glued to the contents as I answered him.

"It's my last resort. My go-to option in case things get to the point where I can't possibly go on any longer."

"Jai," Luke's anger seemed to dissipate. "You shouldn't need a last resort! So many people love you. Why can't you see that?"

"Because I don't deserve that love, Luke!" I couldn't help but yell. "I'm a mistake. I shouldn't have even been born..."

A harsh slap struck my face as I trailed off. Holding my cheek, I looked up to see Luke holding his hand up with tears in his eyes.

"Don't you dare." He whispered. "We may be twins, but you're still my little brother no matter what. I couldn't possibly imagine a life without you in it. Don't take that for granted."

"Luke, I'm sorry." I whispered, not wanting him to be mad at me. Luke chuckled humorlessly at my words.

"You're always apologizing, but you just end up doing the same things again and again. If you thought I was suffocating before, then you're really going to hate me now, Jai!" Luke promised. I gulped nervously. I've been suppressing the urge to cut for days now, so this was definitely not helping. I scratched at my wrists as I felt the familiar burn on my arms, telling me I needed to cut.

"I'm trying, Luke. I am. I forgot I had that. You need to believe me!" I started to scratch at my wrist harder, but Luke shot his hand out to stop me. His frown deepened and he raised an eyebrow at me.

"Let me ask you this, Jai. How badly do you really want to die?" Luke asked, causing me to choke on air. I couldn't answer that question. Luke just didn't realize how hard it was for me to want to live.

"So much that I don't know if it's even worth getting better." I admitted quietly. Luke's grip on my arm tightened as he yanked my sleeve up. I had to look away as all of my scars were put on display. They were disgusting, and I couldn't even look at them. I didn't want Luke to see them, but I knew there was no stopping him.

"How long have you self-harmed?" Luke asked genuinely curious.i bit my lip even harder at that question. I was 100% sure that Luke would hate my answer.

"Since we were 12 or 13. It's not really a big deal, Luke." I tried to brush it off like it wasn't a big deal, but the look on Luke's face told me that was impossible. His eyes were wide as he absorbed this newfound information.

"All this time and you couldn't come to me..." Luke murmured, clearly upset that I had kept this secret from him for so long.

"I didn't want to be a burden."

"You aren't a burden, Jai. You know I'd do anything for you." Luke's eyes were teary, and I regretted my next words before they even came out of my mouth.

"It started around the time we started to drift apart. It wasn't exactly easy to talk to you..."

"What? You mean the same time you were starving yourself?"

"I wasn't starving myself." I defended. "I was just too sad to eat. I was too sad to do anything. Don't blame yourself for that, Luke. I made my own decisions and they had nothing to do with you."

"I still feel like I should have been there."

"Don't. The past is the past. We can't change that."

~

Luke was serious about suffocating me. I didn't get a moment to myself until he fell asleep later that night, and even then I had to sleep in the same room as him. I was able to slip away, though, when he did fall asleep.

I made my way into my bathroom and curled up on the floor, appreciating the feeling of being alone. I tipped my head against the wall and let out a shaky breathe. I couldn't do this any longer. I needed to cut and take away some of the pain I was feeling inside.

My hands were shaking as I reached inside the cabinet and retrieved the blade I had hidden there. I rolled up my long sleeves and held my breathe as I pressed the blade against my wrist and put pressure against it. I drug the blade across my arm and immediately felt some of the tension fade. I had needed this so bad. More than I even knew. I repeated this process several times until I felt like I had enough.

After I was finished, I glanced up and caught my reflection in the mirror. Somewhere along the way, I had started to cry. My face was splotchy and tear-stained as a few tears continued to trail down my face. This was me now. I was broken beyond repair and I had let down the people I cared about. I was right. I didn't deserve either of my brothers. I was just a mistake that continued to ruin their lives.